spontaneous blah.

33 weeks and coming to terms.

2012-01-19T14:27:00.001-06:00

i had this epiphany the other day
one that kind of rushed in
and knocked me on my ass
following which i quickly got up
and started making a hundred different lists.

i'm pregnant.

and not only am i pregnant
but little bit is going to be here
quite possibly
in the next 6-8 weeks.

and not only did that get me thinking
about all of the things still left undone
like a lack of clothes in drawers
and misplaced baby furniture
and missing bottles and car seats

but it also turned my mind on to the idea
that we are not to be a trio for very much longer.
soon
very soon
we will be four.

and it has me thinking about all of the opportunities
i need to grab a hold of now
while we are still just three...

but more to come on that.

current gestation: 33 weeks and about a day.
weight gain to date: as of this morning, 32 pounds. i have rediscovered some form of pre-pregnancy energy and have rekindled my romance with my treadmill. i'm averaging anywhere between a mile and a half to two miles at a time. bug has taken up the task of walking/running with me which drives me even more. i also think that the appearance of snow and necessity to shovel has assisted my workout regimen. my 'success' story came the other day when a student asked me, 'you know how some women get fat when they get pregnant?'...(pause.) me: 'yes...' student: 'how come you didn't?' bless you child.
complaints: i'm not going to lie...there are a few. my abdomen muscles have completely been replaced by infant toosh which means rolling over in bed and getting up off the couch are feats in themselves. i am missing my pre-pregnant body; my pre-pregnant clothes; my pre-pregnant yoga; my pre-pregnant coffee; my pre-pregnant energy levels. i am truly at a point where i'm ready to be done. and yes, i know it will all be worth it. and yes, i will miss the internal flutters. but i won't miss the enormity of it. as i said when i was pregnant with bug; i don't get pregnant because i love being pregnant. i get pregnant because i love being 'mama'. i'm ready for sprout to arrive so we can get to know her and her us. i'm ready for sprout to arrive so i can return to rocking both her and my bug. i'm ready for sprout to arrive so i can sleep on my back again. i'm ready to meet our girl. i'm ready to hold her and breathe her in.
non-complaints: the sudden burst of energy that came from nowhere has been welcome. i have desperately missed my treadmill and am glad to have found it again. i have also missed having the energy to come home and play outside with my bug, so having the boost to pack it up and head outside for an afternoon of snow fun has been great for the both of us. oz has also benefitted from my new found energy and has enjoyed several lengthy walks and some much needed fresh air. i only wish it were still light when my guy got home so we could all enjoy it together. all in good time.
activities: as mentioned, much time on the treadmill. dancing in the basement with bug while daddy plays the drums. sidewalk chalk when the weather is warm. shoveling and snow angels when temperatures dip back down. walks on the trail with my active girl and enthusiastic mutt. late night crocheting accompanied by reruns of 'big bang theory'.
cravings: diet root beer. that and i'm back to being hungry all of the time. perhaps we are on the verge of another growth spurt. at least its good food; the new year brought with it better eating habits (and thus, better food on hand in our home) so that when i do eat, it's not the sugar cookies of christmas past. i still manage to sneak a few M&Ms from my mother's desk drawer, though...

thanks to my guy for being an amazing photographer.

all photos courtesy of my guy.

31 weeks...apparently.

2012-01-04T10:57:00.000-06:00

i had a doctor's appointment last week.
after listening to bean's heartbeat
the doctor
(not my normal doctor)
took a measurement of my abdomen
(something i hadn't had done)
and reported
'yep, you're right at 30 weeks.'

okay...
shit...
wait...
30?
as in 3-0?
not 28 or 29?

panic
officially set in.

and while a week (or two) may not seem like a big deal
it had
and has
me
completely rethinking everything about work
the nursery
the cleanliness of our home
baby clothes
diapers...

ah
the nesting
has officially begun.

so with that...

current gestation: 31 weeks.
weight gain to date: surprisingly, i'm right at 31 pounds. surprising given the amount of food consumed at funerals pre-holiday and goodies consumed during the holidays. we have since gone into holiday detox at our house which has included a lot of vegetables, fruit and lean protein. and truthfully, we all feel better for it. there is nothing like the pride i feel from hearing my sweet girl request bananas for a snack and carrots and hummus for lunch. meatless meals are slowly reentering our world along with sugar free snacking. even in my additional 31 pounds, i feel less sluggish.
complaints:i miss bending over (comfortably). i miss giving my girl piggy back rides. i miss yoga (back bends, in particular). i have officially popped to the point of discomfort in what used to be normal, everyday actions. i am also missing my energy and my drive. i have very much wanted to run for the last couple of weeks, but the thought of it alone wears me out. i'm ready to reclaim my body and meet my bean.
non-complaints: the daily jazzercise going on inside my abdomen. i love love love feeling our girl rolling around and doing handstands on my pelvis. it is, by far (and as i've mentioned before) my favorite part of being pregnant.
activities: i'm making a lot of afghans these days...therefore my fingers are getting a great workout...
cravings: none. just normal, regular food. i find i am eating smaller meals more often, as baby girl is slowly taking over cavity within and beneath my rib cage, but the food itself has been healthy, something i think both bean and i have been missing over the last month.

another lame attempt at a self-portrait in the bathroom mirror at 30 weeks. hoping for some fun maternity pictures soon...

go well.

santa baby...2011.

2011-12-18T20:10:00.001-06:00

2008.

2009.

2010.

2011.

it goes so fast...

but it is more fun with every passing year.

is heaven in that box?

2011-12-17T22:24:00.002-06:00

there's more to this
more that i haven't had a chance
or the words
to sit down
and put in order.

and i will
because i want to
for me
for bug.

but for now
the words we chose
my sister and i
for my pappy
on the day we said 'good-bye'...

We have spent a great deal of timethis week explaining to three year old Charlie Jo, one of Jim’sgreat-granddaughters, that Pappy is now in heaven. Up until yesterday she seemed to grasp this pretty well, butupon seeing Pappy laid out in his casket, she got a bewildered look on her faceand whispered to her mother, Amy, “Mommy…is heaven in that box?” And in some ways, she was so very rightbecause Pappy was a little piece of heaven in our lives, a blessing beyondwords in the lives of his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren.

To try and condense the last 31years of Pappy being a Pappy is an impossible task. The memories and lessons he left us with are innumerable;memories of dancing in the kitchen without music, running through the paint storestealing dozens upon dozens of paint swatches, making runs to the local DQ forhot fudge sundaes, cheering on the Panthers as they dribbled down the court,creating headpieces out of meaningless newspaper articles, watching Pappydemonstrate his talent of riding a bicycle backwards down the street andtopping it off with walks to the frog pond and evenings spent catchinglightening bugs. The lessons hetaught us are even greater; lessons like how to hoe a garden, the proper way topaint a room, the best method to use when refinishing furniture, how to engageanyone in a conversation about anything (including the brick wall), tricks forcompleting your math homework without a calculator, how to operate a 3-shiftChevy panel truck (up a hill…without cursing) and which plastic cups make thebest tools for tracing circles. Inrecent years, we have had the unspeakable joy of watching as our daughters,Charlie Jo and Ella Mary, have created new memories with our old Pappy, fromcoloring at the kitchen table to snuggling on the couch.

More importantly, Pappy taught ushow to hug with purpose, how to honor our country, how to treat those peoplethat come into our lives and most of all, how to love our families, a legacy wewill not only remember but will instill in our own children and grandchildren.

So yes, Charlie Jo, in so many waysheaven is in that box with your Pappy. But it is also in your heart and in the hearts of those he loved forthat is where he will always be along with the memories and lessons he left uswith. Pappy always ended a visitwith, “Glad you got to see me!” Soare we, Pappy. Thank you for allof it. We are SO glad we got tosee you.

go well.

pocketed conversations.

2011-12-08T21:13:00.001-06:00

my pappy
is in the midst of making a journey
from this world
to the next.

my heart aches.

and soon i will process it all
but right now
my grief
my guilt
my denial
my relief
my shock
my absolute devistation
all mix like watercolors on a page
and i am not ready to sort through them.

we wait.
we pray.
we cry.
we wait.

and as we move through this veil
of devistation
and anticipation
i have had to have some very honest
conversations
with my bug
to prepare her
and me
for the loss of a man
that she has come to love
and adore.

and i don't want to forget them
these pocketed conversations
because it is through her eyes
that i am able to process my grief
at his loss
and my joy
in his life.

* * *

i was home with my bug
on the day following his stroke
helping her to nurse a fever.
we had talked about pappy being sick.
we had made him a card.

and then my phone rang.

after the call to say
that the damage was beyond
what any of us imagined
i sunk to the floor of the bathroom
and sobbed into my hands.

my bug peeked around the corner
quietly
clad in a t-shirt and mardi gras beads
and touched my shoulder.

mama, are you sick?
no, baby, i'm not sick.
well, i am.
yes baby, i know.
i'm sick and so is pappy.
yes, bug, pappy is very sick.
do you want my throw up bucket?
no, baby.
wait here. i will go get you a toy.

i listened to her pad down the hallway
while i wiped my tears.
and as quickly as she left
she reappeared
with more beads in hand.

here, mama. i brought you this. it will make you feel better.
yes, baby, it will.
see? (touching my cheek). i will always take good care of you.

* * *

last night
my mother called
and asked if we wanted
to say our good-byes.

bug has wanted desperately
to talk to her pappy on the phone
certain that this would make him feel better.
and so
before the phone rang
from 300 miles away
i pulled my sweet girl onto my lap
with tears in my eyes
and explained i had something very serious
to discuss with her.

bug, do you want to talk to pappy on the phone?
oh, yes!
okay. but i need to tell you. when you talk to pappy this time, he is not going to talk back.
because he is sick, right?
yes baby, very sick. but he will hear your voice.
and that will make him better, right?
it will make him happy, baby, but pappy is not going to get better.
but i want him to.
i know baby, i do too. but i think pappy is ready to go to heaven.
to live with sammy?
yes, to live with sammy.
in heaven?
yes, baby.
and in my heart?
yes baby, always in your heart.
okay, mama.
so do you understand?
yes. i will talk to pappy on the phone but he will not talk back but it will make him happy.

god love this child.

* * *

tonight though.
tonight was hard.
because the waiting has started.
the machines are all gone
and now we just wait for the time
when he will go to be with my nanny
the love of his life
his eternal buddy.
we wait.
we wait.

and after a day of waiting
i sat in the rocking chair with my girl
who looked up at me with sleepy eyes
and said

mama
i want to pray.

and so we did.
we prayed for sleep
our souls to keep
and for pappy to be held
in god's strong arms.

and after our 'amens'
she looked at me and said

mommy
where is heaven?
well, heaven is far, far away.
in the clouds?
yes, way up in the clouds.
and in my tummy?
well, in your heart, yes.

she paused and absorbed this and then said
mommy
is heaven on the street?
no, baby. you can't drive to heaven. it's too far away.
but i want to go to heaven with pappy.
oh baby, it's not time for us to go. we have to stay here and wait for a long time before we go to heaven.

and with that
her bottom lip began to quiver
and her eyes well up with tears
and she buried her head into the nook of my arm
and cried at the realization of it all.

but i want to go with pappy.
oh baby, don't be sad. he will always be in your heart.
always?
always.

* * *

in so many ways
my little girl
is helping me process it all.

as we've moved through these last few days
trying to prepare her
and ourselves
for what is coming
the last verse
to this song
keeps running through my head
and i only hope
that i can help her
and me
say good-bye.

26 weeks and decking the halls.

2011-12-01T10:46:00.001-06:00

i love christmas.

i love everything about this time of year...
the feeling of anticipation
the twinkling lights
the smell of snow
the baking of cookies
the endless art opportunities
the prime crocheting weather
the music
the way the inside of our church glows every sunday morning
i love it all.

but since becoming a parent
my love for the holidays
has only amplified
because
i love
watching my bug cradle the baby Jesus from her nativity
and whispering 'i love you baby Jesus'
ever so softly.
i love
how excited she gets when the doorbell rings
thinking that perhaps santa has decided to pay her
a special visit
(we're still working on the concept of time leading up to the actual holiday).
i love
watching her run through the toy stores picking out things to put on her list
none of which are pink or named 'barbie'
but rather include things like a 'jumpoline' and robots.
i love
rolling out cookie dough
watching her pick out shapes
and 'sprinkle' each one with handfuls of sugar
and then turn to me and say, 'mom, i so love baking cookies with you.'
i love
passing underneath the mistletoe
and then hear yell after me,
'mom! you forgot to give me a kiss!'
and hurry back to steal quick pecks
under the greenery.
i love
watching her expression
as we light our chirstmas tree
each and every time
to claps and squeals of glee
as she screams,
'oh my goodness! it is SO beautiful!'

and then i begin to think to next year...
and how each year has brought more and more excitement
and magic to the season
and next year
we get to multiply that by two;
two times the twinkling eyes
two times the sprinkling of cookies
two times the number of presents under the tree
two times the kisses under the mistletoe...
and i cannot wait.

when the magic of the season has come
and gone
we will be down to 10 weeks left
in this journey...
slight panic is setting in
but the crib is in place
there are diapers on standby
and we have lots of love to give...
we'll be ready.

daddy and bug piecing together bean's bed.

a job well done!

and yes
she has a name
at long last.

and no
we're not telling.

i do so love
good anticipation.

go well.

24 weeks...i think.

2011-11-13T14:32:00.001-06:00

i feel very guilty
that i have done such a piss poor job
of documenting
baby girl's journey
and hope to make up for it.

this pregnancy seems to be going so much more quickly
than it did with my bug;
maybe it's the business of the season
or just the three-year old distraction i come home to every night
but whatever the case
it is moving quickly
and a wee bit of anxiousness has started to set in
knowing that when the holidays are behind us
we will only have about two months
to be a trio.

current gestation: 24 weeks (well...23 weeks and about 5 days).
weight gain to date: um...too much according to my doctor at our last appointment. the lack of physical activity in recent weeks and reintroduction of meat has apparently done more 'harm' than i realized. i've gained about 20 pounds to date, and while that may not seem like much, they recommend only 14-16 at this point in the pregnancy. so, i threw out the halloween candy and am saving up my guilty pleasures for the holiday baking season. several people were appalled that my doctor would even say anything about an extra five pounds, but in a way i'm glad she did. it has helped me to be more mindful of what i am (and am not) putting into my body and ultimately, feeding baby girl. she also reminded me that physical activity is crucial (something i've always known). my energy level is so low, though, that the idea of going to the grocery store is exhausting!
complaints:nothing major, just little gripes. things like pubescent acne, heartburn and more recently, sciatica (oh, the joy!) however, it could be so much worse. i can manage the little things. it's just going to take a lot of zantac and concealer!
non-complaints: the kicking has started and is strong! i had forgotten how much i enjoy the pitter pat of little feet at the base of my belly.
activities: one of these days i'll crawl back onto the treadmill. for now, i'm finding more joy in spending my evenings curled on the couch in front of the fireplace with my hooks and yarn. that and gearing up for the holidays with our bug.
cravings: on the threshold of the third trimester, i'm beginning to feel a bit more first trimester-ish and nothing sounds good, with the exception of tomato bisque soup more recently. so that's what i'm eating...a lot of soup and tea. i suppose that will help with the weight gain issue!

and did i mention...
a girl?!?

pitter pats.

it has been fun thinking about how this sweet girl
is so different than her big sister was at this stage
and i wonder how it will effect her personality
in the long run.

for example
charlie would pound out the rhythm to music
in my belly
and to this day
loves to make music
sing
play the piano
create drumsets
anything that beats out a rhythm.

this baby girl is more quiet
and prefers to dance around
while i sit quietly on the couch
stitching away with my mounds of yarn.

time will tell
but for now
i enjoy the quiet company.

go well.

19...ish.

2011-10-12T12:06:00.002-05:00

i realized
recently
that i had not done much
in the way of blogging
journaling
throughout this journey.

i went back in time
to see when i had started musing
on my journey
with my best good girl
and came across my 18-week post
which was full of cynicism
and irritation.

at nearly 19 weeks into this new journey
i find i am not nearly as cynical this time around
or as negative
or as frustrated with the whole process
of growing a baby.

maybe it's the years of yoga
that have filled my cup for the last three years
or the steel beam that may have nearly taken my leg
but gave me a lifetime's worth of gratefulness
or maybe it's just because this time
i have learned and know and am journeying down a path
i have hiked in my past.

regardless.
i am glad
that i can approach this new journey
with more smiles and sighs and shrugs
than not.

that said.

at 19 weeks
i am round
and growing still.

i very much feel pregnant all over
or at least look like i am pregnant all over;
fortunately
despite how large i feel
i also feel great
i feel steady
i feel 'normal' (most days)
which has made it much easier to do things like
go for walks
and hikes
color pictures on the floor
and carry one sleepy little girl back to bed.

current gestation: 19 weeks.
weight gain to date: i'm not keeping track this time. they weigh me at the doctor and i try not to look. i have learned so much about how to take care of my body since my bug was born and i just continue to try and implement those practices into my pregnant life. i don't exercise as much as i did with my last pregnancy (or as much as i want to), but i am definitely not NOT active. i find with a toddler running around this time, i get plenty of activity in every day!
complaints:only recently i have begun to experience round-ligament pain. it hurts, but i'm taking it as a good sign that things are growing just as they should.
non-complaints: as i was with bug, i am blessed with great pregnancies. i'm trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind this time around.
activities:roaming the hallways of a middle school in heels day to day, managing a three-year old at the grocery store, laundry, dishes, running the vacuum and trying to get in some yarn time now and again! i am hoping to move the treadmill from the office to the living room in the basement so that i can get back into the swing of walking daily again. trying to walk at 9:00 at night is not going to happen at this stage of the pregnancy, but if i could walk at 5:00 while my sweet girl unwinds from her day, it might just be doable. i've also been trying to sneak in some yoga when i can. it's not always easy and i am desperately missing my yoga kula.
cravings: mostly sweets. having a birthday last weekend didn't help...i have managed to consume most of the leftover birthday cake on my own. i've been drinking a lot of chocolate almond milk and eating a lot of oatmeal...occasionally sprinkled with chocolate chips. however, i have also been eating tons of carrots and recently had a hankering for vegetable soup. nothing doesn't not sound good, so i'm able to eat like a regular person again. i still haven't converted back to my vegetarian ways, but i'm not discounting the idea after the baby comes.

i'm starting to feel the bean moving more and more now
and we are very excited to find out if it is a girl
or boy bean
in the next couple of weeks
get your bets in now
and stay tuned.

go well.

sammy.

2011-09-09T10:37:00.001-05:00

i debated on the 'when' of writing this.
is it appropriate to compose a eulogy
of sorts
before the passing has occurred?

but the thing is
this has loomed over me
over our family
for the past several days.
it has consumed us
and dictated so many of our actions
and the only way for me to process it
completely
is to go where i always go
when i need to think:
my words.

* * *

ten years ago.
my new husband
having never had pets as a child
was ready to take a big step
in the way of making a family.

he had done all the legwork;
found a litter of pups
via an employee
in a town
two towns away.
half golden lab
half golden retriever
and free.
neither of us able to get away from work and school obligations
we put his employee in charge of picking our pup.
'tell her to pick a quiet one,' i had said.

i remember meeting the young woman at the gas station
under the stars
to welcome home
sight unseen
our new baby girl.

sammy.

we had chosen the name
because it seemed to us a name fitting enough for a girl pup
but gruff enough to allow her to romp around and get dirty.

she spent the first night hiding behind the toilet in our duplex
terrified to come out and play
and i remember sitting for hours in that small bathroom
cooing at her
and enjoying the fluff that comes with a new pup.

* * *

she didn't stay quiet long.
she quickly found her voice
and her energy
and loved
loved
loved
being outside.
going for walks.
riding in the car to visit dad at work.
chasing our cats.
barking at the sorority girls next door.
swimming in ponds and streams.
trekking through prairie grass.
chewing holes in the carpet.
tearing up linoleum.
and biting my ass when i did the dishes.
(needless to say, there were many arguments during her toddlerhood).

* * *

it was when we moved home to iowa
that we saw a change occur in sammy.
i remember driving the four hours
from illinois
to iowa
in the dead of winter
with sammy in the backseat
of my chevy prism
sandwiched between the door and trash bags full of clothes
her head hanging over the seat
panting down my neck
so excited for what lay ahead.
with illinois
and puppyhood
behind us
we drove into a fresh start
and into some of the best years
of our lives with sammy.

* * *

when i think back
to all of the wonderful
fond
joyous
and silly memories we have made
there is so much i don't want to forget
and so much i hope charlie will remember
about her buddy.

sammy
loves being outside
but especially
in the pool
the sprinkler
or the snow.
i always knew i was in trouble anytime one of these elements
existed just out our back door
because it meant
i would have to physically drag her
back inside...
if i could even catch her.

i will treasure the way she always stayed close.

i think it came from having been kenneled in her youth;

once we started allowing her to sleep beside our bed

she was always closeby.

after the accident

she would lay at the foot of my chair

or next to my bed

or just outside the door

and would lift her head from time to time

to make sure i was still there.

after charlie was born

and grew a little older

i would sometimes find her curled into a ball beside charlie's bed.

she is a loyal dog.

a good dog.

a dog to be trusted.

a dog to be loved.

she loves peanut butter

and hamburger

and cleaning plates after meals

she loves hanging around charlie's chair

(and has since charlie was old enough for solid food)

waiting for something to fall in her favor.

she loves tennis balls

and prefers them to rawhide bones most days.

in her youth

before there was oz

she especially loved cleaning out

and subsequently destroying

the remains in the peanut butter jars

and i'm fairly certain we lost a fair amount of tupperware

to her teething habits.

she loves to play catch

although she never quite mastered the terms

'drop it'.

she can sit.

shake.

lay down.

sit pretty.

and dance.

before her hips became so bad a few years ago

she was especially good with the cha-cha.

she loves riding in the car

and any other excuse to put on her leash and go.

even now

she bounds into the backseat all on her own.

she tolerated my love for dylan

and dave

and the way i sang at the top of my lungs while washing dishes

with her underfoot.

she barks

incessantly at times

but she would never hurt a soul.

she is amazing with charlie

and has forever secured her place in the heart of her child.

* * *

after digesting the news yesterday
that we are at the threshold of the end
i turned to her in the backseat of the car
tears running down my nose
and took her soft
silky ears in my hands and whispered

'it's okay girl.
you can go.
we will understand.
we won't be mad.
you're my good dog.
it's okay.'

i watched as my guy
sat under our tree with her
watching the horizon fade
whispering to her
as his own tears fell on her fur.

i cried as we sat with our girl
and tried to explain as best we could
that sammy would not get better
but sicker
and that all we could do now
was give her lots of love
and kisses
and pets
so that she could take them to heaven with her when she goes.

'but i want her to get better,'
she protested
'i don't want her to live in heaven's house.
i want her to live in our house.
i don't want just one dog
i want two!'

and we all sat on her polka-dotted sheets
and cried
while sammy girl lay outside the door waiting for us.

* * *

and now we wait.
and we savor each and every moment we have with her.
and despite her ailing body
we cherish the fact that she still pulls herself up to sleep at the foot of the bed
or get a scratch behind the ears.

we've said our good-byes.
we've made our peace.
we've let her know it's okay.

but God
how i will miss her.

how my heart will continue to break
how i will long for the click-clack of her paws on the floor when i arrive home
or her chin on my lap as i try to read
or finding her propped up on the counter licking up leftovers
or the way she would nearly jump in the bathtub whenever i tried to soak.

how my guy will miss her
his first dog
who he watched tear through swampy pastures
and chase after squirrels
who was always up for a game of catch
or rough housing
and who loved him no matter how many times she was scolded.

how oz will miss his companion
the one he ran with
played with
tormented
grew up with
looked after.

how my girl will miss her buddy
who played tag with her
and let her try to put ponytails in her hair
and gave her kisses
just after she'd been cleaned in the bath
who shared pool time with her
and worked puzzles on the floor with her.

go well
my sweet sammy girl
we will love you forever.

* * *

note

before i had a chance to publish this
our sammy girl decided it was time.
she woke this morning at 6:30
next to charlie's bed
and started to pant.
i scooped her up
with no argument
and laid her on her bed next to ours.
she looked at me with scared, sad eyes
but we
my guy
and i
sat with her on the floor and assured her
there was nothing to be scared of
and that all was well
and that we loved her beyond words.
her breathing slowed
and she rested her head between her paws.

at 7:00
our sammy girl heaved a big sigh
rolled over
and closed her eyes for the last time.
it was quiet
it was peaceful
it was on her terms.
and while i am devastated
i am also thankful.
thankful for the time we had
thankful for the years she gave us
thankful that our daughter (and we) knew the love of a dog so good
thankful that we were all with her
thankful.

sammy girl. november 2001 - september 9, 2011.

farewell old friend.
you will be missed and loved always.

all my mental notes.

2011-08-26T22:10:00.000-05:00

i have nine weeks of mental notes to record...now that it's official and all...

i was about three weeks pregnant when we found out.
i had taken two at-home pregnancy tests;
one turned up
what both bill and i were fairly certain
was a positive.
the other was...well...
inconclusive.
so on july 3rd
we ventured to the urgent care
toddler in tow
for confirmation.

i wasn't exactly 'late'
as i had been with charlie when i suspected i was growing life.
but there were little things
that were just...
off.

for example
walking through o'hare at 6:00 in the morning
while the vendors were making fresh pretzels
and wanting to throw up at the smell
of the fresh dough.
then there was the jet lag
post-maui
that never went away.

besides the daily three hour naps i was squeezing in
i felt pretty good
until about week six
(same as it was with bean's big sister).
that's when the first trimester hangover started;
the constant queasiness
bloatedness
sleepiness
nothing-sounds-good
but i'm so hungry
ickiness that comes with the surge of progesterone
coursing through my body.

i was thankful for my afternoon naps with my bug.
i lived for them daily.
i was devastated by the heat
(which was perhaps the biggest surprise
as i had not anticipated it to affect me at such an early stage).
my activity slowed.
backbends got hard.
running was torture.

one week pregnant in maui.

in week seven
i felt my body began to shift.

yep...i did the whole 'take-your-picture-in-your-bathroom-mirror' thing. it's lame and vain and i don't care.

and i remember thinking it
so strange
since i was only about six weeks along with charlie
before i had any inclination i was with child.
and now
at seven weeks
i was already feeling pregnant
physically
in so many ways.

this was also the point in the pregnancy
when i gave up being an herbivore.
i remember making BLTs for bill and charlie
and thinking
'damn.
i really want that bacon.'
so i thought
'what's one meal?'
the next night
it was cold meat sandwiches.
then grilled chicken.
then an admission of
'i'm not going to fight this anymore.
i.
want.
meat.'
so i ate meat.
and instantly
i started feeling better.
the queasiness subsided more quickly.
and the only conclusion i have come to
is that this kid was desperate for protein.

i never did experience morning sickness;
in fact, i was at my peak in the mornings.
i could stomach good, healthy food
and had about an hour window with which to clean the house
throw in laundry
play with charlie...
anything that required energy.
after about 10:00 a.m.
i was worthless
and it only got worse as the days went on.

and so
from about week six
until right around last week
this was my life.

however, the second trimester switch
seems to be flicking
and i have felt a return in energy
and appetite
and am slowly resuming my 'normal' life
complete with full days of work
painting with charlie
stomaching vegetables (and other herbavore-ish meals)
pounding out two (plus) miles on the treadmill
and sleeping more soundly.

we have fielded many questions since revealing the bean;
yes, we're excited.
yes, it was a little unexpected
(we were ready to try for months...apparently once really is all it takes)
yes, we will find out the gender
yes, charlie is thrilled
(she informed me just this evening that she will teach the baby how to do a sommersault)
yes, our families are elated
yes, we have names
(well, i have names...i think my guy's okay with them)
but my favorite question
was the one that came from a very small 8th grade boy today during math:

boy: you're havin' a baby, aren'tcha?

yes, yes i am.

twelve weeks.

it's time.

2011-08-17T18:23:00.000-05:00

it's time.
time to tell.
time to grow.
time to face the fact that my jeans don't fit anymore.

you may remember a post.
it wasn't that long ago
and yet so much has changed since then.

so let's go back.

i remember the conversation that occurred vividly.
maybe i earmarked it in my mind
because subconsciously i knew it was the beginning
of the journey.

it was late
and we were going over the adoption paperwork.
we had made the decision to adopt from korea
and were very giddy about it.
in our minds, we would be bringing home our baby in spring.
but as we worked through paperwork
and conversations with agency employees
we came to find out that the waiting list had grown
and the chances we would bring home a 'baby' were dwindling.
our 'baby' would be closer to two.
we would be bringing him to a strange land
from the only home he'd known for two years.
i panicked.
i cried.
and the tug on my heart to pull away
wrought me with guilt.

so what do you want to do?
my guy asked calmly.

i don't know.

do you want to get pregnant?

and after a long pause
and many sniffles
i said

maybe.

* * *

the next day we received a phone call.
we were told that based on medical history
and korea's adoption policies
if we did choose to adopt
we would need to wait four more years.

well.
that answers that question.

* * *

so here we are.
11 weeks into this new journey of life.
and while i'm battling the perpetual first trimester 'hangover'
i'm incredibly excited
to be growing new life again.

logisitics:

current gestation: ~ 11 weeks.
weight gain to date: five-ish pounds (some days i'm up...some days i'm down. my appetite has not been cooperating well.)
complaints: heartburn and a full bladder (along with all the other 'joys' that come in your first trimester that i won't go into).
non-complaints: i very much enjoyed my naps this summer. being back at school is exhausting at times, but i was able to get through the majority of the first trimester during vacation which translated into floating on a raft in the pool and sleeping...a lot.
activities: i continued my yoga practice until about four weeks ago. my energy level is way down, so i haven't been on my treadmill as often as i would like. i'm hopeful that the second trimester switch will flip and i'll get back to the gym regularly in the next two weeks. swimming over the summer was extremely theraputic and i'm anxious to get into the lap pool.
cravings: meat. yep. i said it. i have decided to forego my vegetarian diet for the remainder of the pregnancy. around week six, the word tofu alone sent my stomach turning. i will say this...baby was thrilled with my decision to ingest meat back into my diet when i polished off that tenderloin at the fair last weekend.
baby-related news: the nesting has already begun. stay tuned for more on that.

my bug is extremely excited about the prospect of being a big sister
although she did inform me the other day
that she believes i have five babies in my belly.

dear god, i hope not.

so there you have it.
now you know why you haven't seen much of me
here or anywhere
for the last three months.

i'm growing life.
our family is growing.
it's time.

go well.

love and maui'age.

2011-07-12T23:06:00.000-05:00

i recently got married.
again.
but in many ways
for the first time...

* * *

my guy actually proposed to me
while we were still in high school.
i was eighteen and folding clothes for a living
he was fresh out of boot camp and slinging cell phones across the way.

i remember the night he proposed to me...

he took me to a footbridge located
(in of all places)
the cemetery.
he had blindfolded me
and driven me all over town
in a [successful] effort to
get me lost.
once we arrived
he took me by the hand
led me to the bridge
and sat me down.

i remember him taking off my blindfold.
i remember the headlights of the nissan making the small ring shine.
i remember him on his knee.
i remember him shaking.
i remember saying 'yes'.

the first white dress i ever wore with him.

and so it was that while most girls my age
were rushing sororities
i was flipping through "Bride" magazine
trying to figure out how to get married.

looking back
i should have worried more about how to be married.

circa 2001.

ten years have passed since our carefully planned ceremony
with the flowers
the dress
the guests
the tuxes
the DJ
the meal
the cake
the family
the church

* * * *

after ten years
we've learned a lot about ourselves
as individuals
as a couple
as friends
as parents
as partners.

we are simple
both of us
we spend our date nights at barnes and noble
we hold hands as we follow our kid around the block
we call each other to the window when the sunset is particularly beautiful
we bang our heads to old journey songs
we can't wait to see each other at the end of the day
we encourage each other's passions
we savor each other's smiles

the last ten years have tested our vows
but we have held tight
for better
for worse
and it only seemed right
that we revisit those vows
that were drowned out by the flowers
the music
the candles
the dress
the guests
the hall
the centerpieces
and this time...

...this time they were ours
for us
and not even the waves
could drown them out.

he is my aloha.
he is my love.
and i can't wait to see what the next ten will bring.

E ka Haku, e kokua mai ia maua e ho'omana'o i ka

manawa a maua i launa mua ai,

a me ke aloha i komo i loko o maua.

E ola mau kela aloha

i na kau a kau.

Ke nonoi ha'aha'a nei maua i na hua'olelo'olu'olu

i piha i ke aloha

a no na pu'uwai makaukau mau e noi i ka huikala

a e huikala aku.

E ka Haku, ke waiho nei maua i ko maua male 'ana i loko

o kou lima.

'Amene.

go well.

33 days...

2011-05-18T13:08:00.000-05:00

my brain is on baby overload.

with our impending decision upon us

a majority of my 'free' time

has been eaten up by

adoption blogs

adoption agency options

pregnancy yoga

and to figure out how this new soul

will fit.

so i've made myself a promise.

no more obsessing about babies

until after my

much needed

much anticipated

ten year anniversary vacation

to the tropics.

you may well remember this post

where i sorted through my wish list of items.

since then

i'm happy to announce

that i have nearly completed the list

(and perhaps added a thing or two to it.)

so let's recap...

in my suitcase will go...

my almond butter

and my honey peanut butter

and my chocolate hazelnut butter.

thank you justin

whoever you are.

my 'wedding' dress.

coming to me from thailand.

cannot wait for it to arrive.

my spanking new

ultra cool

super fresh

vibrams.

my right leg is still adjusting to the whole 'minimalist' thing

but ultimately i think it will do me a world of good.

i've taken them for a few test runs

and do like them.

my guy wears his every day

and swears he'll never own another pair of shoes.

my yoga toesox.

watch out maui.

you're about to meet my downdog.

my fabulous

light

super soft

be.ology wraps.

quite possibly my most favorite thing to wear

right now.

i also took advantage of

a local boutique's going out of business sale

and squandered away a couple of kick-ass OHM studio shirts

as well as a rockin' jade necklace

that i think will look awesome

against my fresh sun~~burn~~tan.

now all that's left

is a good hat

some good books

good yarn

a few hooks

some new shorts (that fit)

and as many tank tops as i can shove into my bag.

i'm all set.

let's go.

go well.

growing.

2011-05-17T10:44:00.000-05:00

remember this post?

as is my M.O.
my indecision has gotten the better of me
us
once again
(and again...
my poor guy.)
and it would seem
we are on the brink
of exploring the idea
of allowing our family to grow.

how that will happen
should happen
is still not clear.

we have [very seriously] considered this...

and more recently considered this...

(this is charlie. it's an old picture. she's changed her hair since then.)

what i can say is this.
a notion
has fluttered into my life
and quietly landed on my heart.

what i am asking
of you
old friends
new friends
faceless friends
who have stumbled here
is that you pray
or lift it up
or just send a happy thought into the universe
whatever your method may be
that [soon]
my heart
our hearts
will know how to grow
from three
to four.

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you as you are to them." ~Desmond Tutu

go well.

om shanti.

2011-04-12T09:51:00.001-05:00

as a follow up to yesterday's post on tapas
a quick reflection of my yogic experience last night.
bear in mind that walked into the studio
a little apprehensive
a little anxious
and (i won't lie)
still a little pissed
after my failure to to achieve handstand independently;
after my failure to tap into and use my tapas.

* * *

the day was beautiful.
the sun was out.
the sky was blue.
i walked in
unrolled my mat
and mentally prepared for warriors
chaturangas
and wheel poses.

after many warm up down dogs
and plank poses
we came to a seated position and prepared for practice.
and that was when our instructor began talking
about the fast pace of life
the 'instant-ness' that we have become accustomed to;
instant oatmeal
instant coffee
drive-through windows
microwaves
debit cards
the constant motion we find ourselves in
day after day.

and so
she kidnapped our practice
and introduced us to
yoga nidra.

yoga nidra
or 'yogic sleep'
is part meditation
part relaxation
and altogether blissful.

we began by setting an intention
a seed which we could plant deep in the chakras
and nurture during the nidra
the difference between this intention
and others i have set in the past
is that it is set in the present
and it is set in a positive frame of mind;
instead of saying
'i will be at peace'
or
'i will not be restless'
you frame your intention in the present:
'i am at peace.'
(this was not my intention...i'm keeping that one squandered away in the dirt of my soul for the time being).

the nidra itself is very much like riding a soft wave
between wakefulness and dream;
the whole practice is meant to be one of consciousness
and as i drifted between awareness and
some place else
i became a quiet observer of my dream-like thoughts
and what they meant for me.

* * *

so why do i share this?

what i learned from the yoga nidra
was that we do in fact need to slow down
every so often
and pull those moments of peace into our chaos.
even today
as i quietly cursed the guy that pulled out in front of me
i paused
i reflected
and i thought
stop.
ride the wave.
let this ripple in the day carry you somewhere else.

i don't know where my peace will carry me.
but i'm fairly certain it will take me farther than my chaos.

go well.

tapas.

2011-04-11T11:01:00.001-05:00

as an active yogini
one of the actions i've come to embrace
during my practices
is the act of setting an intention.

what does this mean to me...
it means finding something
someone
some aspect
to focus my energy on during my yoga practice.
in some ways
it's like physically praying.

last week during my yoga class
my instructor talked a lot about
tapas
and encouraged us to make that our intention for the duration of the practice
eventually leading to one of these...

in laymen's terms
tapas refers to that
fire in your belly
that passion that drives you
to go further
dig deeper
push harder.

my instructor reminded us of this through three rounds of sun salutations
three rounds of core work
and three rounds of inversions.

my tapas
must have been on hiatus that day
because all i could muster was this.

and there i was
facing a wall
(both literally and figuratively)
putting all my strength into planting myself on the floor
rooting my energy through the palms of my hands
and pulling my navel into my spine
but absent of my tapas.

i wasn't going anywhere.

with beads of sweat littering my forehead
and a defeated spirit
i watched as one after another
my fellow yogis and yoginis
floated into handstand
effortlessly.

my defeat was evident
as my instructor came over and gently coaxed me up the wall.

dammit.
where is my fucking passion?
where is my fucking tapas?

* * *

and so
with my tapas MIA
and my soul in knots over my perceived failure
my yoga mat went untouched this week.

i was pissed.

* * *

so today
(one full week later)
i woke up anticipating yoga class
and wondering what it would bring
(or not bring)
and i came across this via facebook
and baron baptiste:

"how amazing you've been in the past holds no power.

what are you up to in your future?

THAT holds energy!"

as i reflect on this
even now
i think back to our accident
and how that changed me
internally and externally

and how
at that time
everyone commented on how strong i was
how strong we were
and how that drove me to do the things the doctors said i may never do again

that challenge
became my tapas.
but...

"how amazing you've been in the past holds no power..."

with all of that behind me
behind us
i don't know how or from where to derive my energy
my drive
my tapas.

leaving me with the second part...

"...what are you up to in your future?"

i want to be up to this.

and so much more.
i can't find my tapas in a moment
especially after the last one has left such a void
but at least i know now
that it all begins with unrolling my mat
and finding the energy in what i want
whatever that may be.

go well.

three years.

2011-03-23T11:14:00.000-05:00

at this moment
three years ago today
an emt and a doctor
were setting my right leg for the first time.

at this moment
three years ago today
i whimpered
and wondered where my guy was.

at this moment
three years ago today
i took comfort
in the small pitter pats inside my abdomen.

each year is a little easier than the last.
each year brings a steadier gait.
each year i cry a little less.
each year i perseverate a little less.
each year i am all the more thankful.

* * *

three years ago today
my body
my outlook
my life
changed in ways
i had never anticipated.
i was given
a tragic gift
one that i now wear with pride on my right leg
one that rests in the palms of my guy's hands
one that resides in the smile of my girl.

i cherish this gift
every
single
day
but especially today.

three years ago today.

today.

go well.

adventures in veggie-ism.

2011-03-20T22:07:00.001-05:00

i am a newly converted vegetarian.

for about six weeks now
i have been a practicing vegetarianism.
this was something i had always been interested in
and not completely opposed to
but i rationalized that it was not possible.
i mean
really...
an iowa girl
living in the heartland
surrounded by meat lovers
(one of which happens to be my husband)
and society shoving animals on me from every direction.

vegetarianism was surely not in the cards for me.

so it was a surprise
when after a week of meatless meals
i came to the realization that i could
be a practicing vegetarian
that i really didn't miss it
at all.

i stumbled into all of this
kind of by accident.
i had signed up for weight watchers*
over a year ago
and while it has kept me in check
i'm no 'success' story.
frustrated
i began looking for alternatives in my diet.

it started small...
tofu tuesdays after yoga.
veggie soup and salad in place of ham sandwiches.
boca burgers on hamburger night.

and before long
i was stalking foodie blogs
with veggie recipes
(this one is my current favorite...)

six weeks later...

here i sit.
a converted vegetarian.
and living with a carnivorous guy
it has proven tricky
but we're making it work
with only a slight increase to our grocery bills
and a lot of creativity at supper time.

and while there's a lot more to it
than just eating lettuce
that at some point i look forward to getting into
i gotta say...

i love it.

go well.

*weight watchers does not promote vegetarianism; this is a lifestyle that worked well for me and fit into my WW plan.

restless.

2011-02-21T14:20:00.000-06:00

as was mentioned
we are not getting enough time in the fresh air
and as a result
i am slipping into the winter duldrums
on days such as these
i find myself longing for my bed
where i may hibernate until spring
able to ignore
my job
my responsibilities
my laundry.

however
the sunshine graced us
though briefly
last week
and we were able to let the wind blow our hair
run free on the trail
and even partake in a little outdoor yoga.

'oh mr. sun
sun
mr. golden sun
shine your light on me.'

go well.

wish list.

2011-02-17T12:29:00.000-06:00

i am a planner.
this is not something i recognized in myself until my adult years
and especially into my parenthood years.
i want to be spontaneous in my actions
i want to be frivolous
i want to be off the wall
but
i am a planner.
and i'm learning to embrace that.

so it shouldn't surprise me
(or my husband
or anyone else who knows me well)
to discover that i am already planning my summer vacation;
i've already determined what is going in my carry-on luggage.
more recently i've been giving thought
to what i ~~need~~ want to get prior to our departure for the islands.
so in case you're looking for gift ideas
(because i'm sure so many of you have been giving lots of thought
to what kind of random gift you can get for a random girl at a random time)
here are a few things to consider:

justin's almond butter packs

don't let the packaging fool you;
this is crack in the form of a nut butter
and is my most favorite thing to eat right now.
i especially love that they come in these little packs
that fit so nicely in the front pocket of my purse.
and they go on everything;
oats
bananas
apples
my finger
oh yes. these bad boys are coming to the islands with me.
and i may even splurge and get the chocolate hazelnut and chocolate almond to go with the maple.

toesox

my yoga studio just started selling these
and i'm thinking it is the perfect solution
for yoga on the go
(because i have no intention
of carrying my mat with me across the ocean
despite my love of yoga.)
and if i get the sox
i will need the gloves...

vibram five fingers.

i have been dying to try these since our first trip to the islands

since then

i've seen blogs littered with them

and i'd love to give them a shot.

in my mind

this is the ultimate fix for me

a barefoot girl at heart

with a desire to see the world

perfect.

white dress.

this will mark our tenth anniversary together

and so

we decided we should do

what we should have done ten years ago

and get married (again) on the beach

for us

not for anyone else.

and i want a white dress.

a long one.

with a plunging neck line

and a plunging back

made of something soft

that blows in the wind

and looks spectacular against the water.

hats, headbands and scarves.

at one point

i had thought it best to grow my hair out for hawaii

so that when i exited the big pond

i could toss my locks around and let them dry in the tropical breeze.

three weeks ago

after spending a mere two minutes on my hair

the thought of growing it out seemed silly

so i got it cut

and started hunting for floppy hats

headbands

and headwraps

to keep it from resembling that of a pubescent boy

when it dries in the pacific sun.

an extra large thermal tote.

one thing we learned from our last trip

was that we spent a lot of time on the road

and combing beaches

and there are not a lot of places to stop and grab a bite

(although thank goodness for the starbucks

located on the east side of oahu).

since one of the first things we plan to do

upon arriving on the island is head to whole foods

and stock up for the week

i intend to bring with us an extra large thermal tote

to pack each day and toss in the jeep.

new clothes.

because going on vacation is always a good reason to shop.
and quite frankly
i'm utterly bored with everything i own.
perhaps its the change in seasons
perhaps its a change in taste
but whatever the reason
i know i need something different
something 'me'
and i'm not picky;
consignment will do.

what would you take to the tropics?

what would be on your 'wish list'?

go out and get it.
and go well.

a recent study on ears and the outdoors.

2011-02-16T09:53:00.000-06:00

recently
i have been very dismayed with the fact
that my girl
has a hearing problem.

well
at least that was what i told myself
because surely my kid doesn't have a listening problem.

we have entered the phase i feared
(and have been in complete denial about):

the infamous 'two's'.

last week
upon picking charlie up for school
her teachers informed me that charlie had recently
been struggling with listening and following directions.
we agreed that this was not a matter of comprehending what was said to her;
the kid has incredible receptive language skills.
it must be peer pressure.
charlie is one of the oldest kids in her class
so this must surely be a case of 'following the crowd'.

but i knew it wasn't.
she had begun to demonstrate the same behaviors at home;
the inattentiveness to conversation
the onset of profound deafness when we called her name
(and called it again...and again...and again)
and even the defiance she demonstrated when we told her to do something
("come on, bug. pick up the wrapper. pick up the wrapper. PICK UP THE GODFORSAKEN WRAPPER.")

last night i decided to take a trip down memory lane
to a time when my child responded to me and her daddy
to a time when 'a-ha' moments were abundant
to a time when it seemed her little brain was absorbing everything
to a time when i didn't feel my right eye twitching at the mere thought of going to the grocery store with her.

and what i quickly came to realize in looking through all of the images
was that in the last two months
we have had way to much of this:

and not enough of this:

with spring in the air

and the snow disappearing

it is time for us to turn off the tube

and tune in outside

(and hopefully find our listening ears in the process).

i'm already fantasizing about backyard pool parties...

go well.

brain vacation.

2011-02-08T10:29:00.001-06:00

we all need them
a break from reality.
they come in many forms;

a trip to the bookstore
a quiet moment hidden in the aisles between skeins of yarn
a jog on the trail with the music blasting in your ears
a trip to hawaii
a nap

but sometimes
these breaks in reality aren't easy to take
and sometimes we have to create our own
brain vacations
just to get through the day.

and that is exactly what i'm doing.

sometimes
lots of times
when complete breaks from reality are hard to come by
i like to make lists;
to do lists
grocery lists
wish lists
activity lists
it's a quirk, i admit
but it works for me.

and today
i'm making my
'to take on my real vacation' list.

here's what i've come up with so far...
(bear in mind, the flight to oahu is an all day event.)

in my carry on, i will bring:

- my kindle complete with a library of books i've been waiting to read. including:

(p.s. - while it may be a sin, i have fallen in love with my kindle. it goes everywhere with me.)

- yarn will be essential; perhaps to work on a baby blanket for bethany or some other fun, light project.

- and since i'm bringing yarn, i will have to bring my hooks.
- my iPod, loaded with music to set the mood for our trip west; mraz, iz, dave, jack, bob and ziggy. and perhaps a few podcasts to get me through the trip.
- my phone. because it will just be there.
- pictures of my girl (because i will miss her desperately and worry about her all week).

- a sweater (because airplanes make me cold).
- our canon D10 because we are big dorks and like to take pictures from the airplane windows.
- gum (for all that ear popping).
- something to eat!

oh sigh.
i do so love a good brain vacation.

how do you take mental breaks?

"No matter how much pressure you feel at work, if you could find ways to relax for at least five minutes every hour, you'd be more productive." ~ Dr. Joyce Brothers

go well.

obsession OR what do you do to pass the time...

2011-02-01T10:04:00.001-06:00

"SNOW-PACALYPSE!"

as everyone is gearing up for the storm of the century
i am preoccupying myself with thoughts of sandy beaches far away.

(don't get me wrong
i rolled into my local grocery store along with all the other crazies last night
and stocked up on all the essentials:
almond butter
eggs
bread
baileys...)

but what has really been on my mind as of late
are the tropics.

this year
marks 'ten' for us

and we have sworn that we will venture to the pacific once again
(when you don't take a honeymoon immediately following your wedding
you can justify just about any vacation from there on out.)

and with our taxes wrapping up
and all of our penny pinching paying off
i keep thinking about this...

up up up.

first moments on the shore.

wish i was there...

peace.

it has gotten to the point

that i can close my eyes on the treadmill

and feel the blue sky surround me.

that i am making mental lists about

what will go in my carry on.

that i have mapped our trip from the airport

to whole foods

to the moana

to the beach

to the bed

where will we crash

and wait for early dawn

and set out.

i can taste the fresh bananas at the starbucks around the corner.

i can feel the pavement of the walkway along waikiki under my foot.

i can see the swells carrying surfers to the sand.

i can feel the wind in my hair as we drive without the top on

under the canopy of trees overhead.

i can feel my calves pull as i climb the stairs to the top of diamond head.

and so

i pound my treadmill in anticipation

i make mental notes of shoes i want to take with me hiking

i put together my reading list

i stockpile yarn for the plane

and i wait for the pacific sun

to pull me west again.

how are you staying warm this winter?

go well.

unseen scars.

2011-01-25T11:16:00.000-06:00

when people talk about having severe anxiety

it is sometimes very difficult to fully comprehend

unless you have experienced it.

i have had many students who suffer from anxiety

family members who suffer from anxiety

and some of the closest people in my life

have battled anxiety at one time or another.

the thing about anxiety that i never fully comprehended

was the mind's inability to stop.

with anxiety

the mind tends to wander into very dark areas

and no matter how much you scream

'stop! enough!'

the mind goes there anyway.

in my life

i have always been able to stop my mind from wandering to dark corners

to shake my brain free of any approaching dread

and say to myself, 'enough; stop thinking that way. it's just silly.'

last week

was a different story.

as often as i say that i am fine
i carry the events of march 23, 2008 very close.
in these cold months
old man winter likes to wreak havoc on my leg
and remind me that i am not the same
as i once was.

and sometimes
when i'm alone
i go back to the moments that made up that day
i bury myself deep within it
i allow the hopelessness of it all to overcome me
i have a good cry
and then i turn back toward the light.

the events of that day left a scar
not only on my right leg
but on my perception as well.

anxiety grips my chest when the snow starts to fall.
anxiety plucks my nerves when i go around a bend.
anxiety tugs at my hair when the rear fender swerves to make a turn.
and last week
anxiety stacked up all of its ammunition and took aim for my heart.

my in-laws
charlie's grandma and grandpa
had requested her company in going to visit her aunt and uncle away at school.
normally
i would welcome a day to myself
but this was different.

the factors began to add up in my mind:
bitter cold
light snow
unpredictable conditions
that road
that god-forsaken wall.

and so it was when we lost control of that truck

that i lost control of my mind.

i was convinced that 'that wall' had it out for me.

i was convinced that 'that wall' had it out for my girl.

i was convinced it would take the one thing that means more to me than anything else.

i was prepared to receive the same phone call my own mother had received.

i was prepared to jump in my car and head north.

i was prepared for the phone calls i would need to make.

and then my mind went darker

to places i can't even bear mention

to a life without my girl.

but i knew
if i let my fears debilitate me
and my girl
i was setting us all up for a world full of restrictions and hold backs
a way of life i would never wish to impose on my girl or my guy.

and so
she went
and i watched as she blew me kisses over her grandma's shoulder
and i watched as they drove down the road
and i leaned on the front door and cried.

and i spent the hours awaiting word
and i spent the hours playing with my yarn
and i spent the hours sleeping
just trying to pass the time.

***

that night
when she came running through the front door
i scooped her up and cherished the weight of her body
and relished in the giggles that came from her mouth
and thanked God quietly for bringing her back to me.

***

i do not know if my mind will ever recover
i know that my leg will never be the same again
and will forever carry a scar.
but scars sometimes fade
and i am hopeful that with time and exercises such as these
perhaps my mental scar will fade too.

"Courage is fear that has said it's prayers." ~Dorothy Bernard

go well.

the year of asanas: makingtimeformeasana.

2011-01-14T10:55:00.000-06:00

i am a self-admitted martyr.
i ~~enjoy~~ choose to take on lots of responsibilities
usually all at once
and then ~~wonder why~~
i blow up
i lose my temper
i bitch and moan
i allow negative energy to fill the empty spaces
and i explode.

i'm not always a fun person to be around under these conditions.
i think taking all of this on gives me a false sense of importance.
but it also prevents me from being the best
teacher
mom
wife
daughter
sister
self
that i know i am capable of.

the thing is
i wrestle with an extreme amount of guilt
when i DON'T take on more
students
household duties
volunteer activities
art projects
and so ultimately
i sacrifice my 'me' time to make room for 'everyone else's' time.

new rule...

the letting go pose or makingtimeformeasana.

i have a few passions;

yarn
yoga
coffee
good books

and then i have a few things that i enjoy but never get time to enjoy;

scrapbooking
baths
extra yoga classes
massages
painting my toenails
painting my house
~~flipping through~~ reading my periodicals

and this year
by golly
i'm going to stop filling the spaces with mundane and start filling them with passion
i'm going to turn the other eye on the laundry some saturday
i'm going to forego the treadmill in favor of bubbles
i'm going to drink more wine because i like the way it tastes
(and not because i need it to put me out for the night)
i'm going to demand more adult dinners with my guy
i'm going to let my kid watch a movie on a saturday afternoon and not feel guilty about it so i can scrapbook
i'm going to buy the expensive coffee and not fret over the extra $2
i'm going to kiss my girl and my guy good-bye and take a SECOND yoga class some week
i'm going to crochet the hell out of some yarn
i'm going to paint my toenails just because and not because i have parent teacher conferences

i'm going to do a better job of making time for that girl i remember
and i'm going to do it without feeling bad.

"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions." ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

go well.

the year of asanas: grudgemasterasana.

2011-01-07T09:22:00.001-06:00

my previous asanas have been, for the most part, things i need to improve on in this new year.

but this one is going to be the hardest pose to master

because it requires using muscles i haven't used in a very very long time.

the forgiveness pose or grudgemasterasana.

one of my biggest, self-admitted faults is that i am a true master of holding grudges.

it matters not who has wronged me;

i hold on to the strands of resentment

anger

sadness

betrayal

that comes with having been done wrong

i hold onto those strands until they are threadbare

and then i take what is left and shove them in my pocket.

this has introduced a lot of negative energy into my world over the years

has caused me to say things and do things

that completely go against all that i believe and believe should be

and only leaves me feeling tangled

this is going to be an asana years in the making.

but i recognize that it is something i need to work on

to get better at

because forgiveness is the ultimate

gift

and i have

(on more than one occasion)

sought it out for myself.

i cannot expect to be forgiven for my misgivings and faults

if i do not grant that same grace to others.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." ~ Gandhi

go well.

walking.

2011-01-06T11:52:00.000-06:00

i needed to post this so i wouldn't forget...

If we walk only to arrive somewhere else, we sacrifice the walking itself. Then there’s no life during the time of walking. That is a loss… It’s a matter of training only. There are so many wonders of life available to us right now.

- Thich Nhat Hanh

the year of asanas: the cramped fingers pose.

2011-01-06T09:17:00.000-06:00

yesterday, while scanning various facebook updates
i came across one of my friends who had posted the following:

Pay it Forward 2011:
I promise to send something handmade to the people who leave a comment here. They must, in turn, post this and send something they make to people who comment on their status. The rules are that it must be handmade by you and it must be sent to your people sometime in 2011. I'll contact you for an address.

love this.
so
like anyone in search of their creative muse
i commented
and reposted.

and then
i decided to take it a step further...

the cramped fingers pose or looseendsasana.

here

in my corner of the wires

i am paying it forward

and promising that

if you leave me a comment

and a way to contact you

i will

this year

make you something with my own two hands.

it will probably involve yarn...

be you an old friend

a new friend

an estranged friend

or complete stranger

i vow that i will put the same amount of time

attention

love

and prayer

into each item i produce.

the key is

you must

in your own way

do the same to pay it forward;

post this to twitter

facebook

your blog

make a batch of cookies for the widow down the way.

hand draw a card for the co-worker that's had a shit week.

knit booties for that baby that's nearly here.

throw together a basket of items to help get your boss through the week

(be sure to include m&m's!)

no matter how you do it

do it.

cramp your fingers.

go well.

You must give some time to your fellow men. Even if it's a little thing, do something for others - something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it. ~Albert Schweitzer

the year of asanas: tighteningyourbeltasana.

2011-01-04T12:39:00.000-06:00

this year
as i head full force into what lies ahead
i have decided to approach 2011 in terms of asanas
(asanas, in this instance, referring to yoga poses).

the discipline pose or tighteningyourbeltasana.

i have

in the past

talked about my struggles with weight -

hell, i even started a blog to document all my challenges with weight

(you'll notice an obvious lack of posting on that blog...)

as i began to think about the coming year

and all i hope to achieve in it

weight

and weight loss

were an obvious

and recurring

goal

ambition

whatever.

but the more i thought about it

the more i realized that my goal is not necessarily to lose weight

my goal

is to be more disciplined in all areas of my life.

i am a victim of society, the media

and my own lack of discipline.

okay

mostly just my own lack of discipline.

i eat

when i'm not hungry.

i buy

when i need nothing.

i cave

every time i see that starbucks siren.

and as a result...

i fight with body image

usually following several desserts

i struggle with chest pains

every time my account dips below a certain balance

and i combat the hopelessness that consumes me

when i think ahead to my future

physically

financially.

i'm tightening my belt

not only financially but

i hope

physically as well

and i'm doing this for two reasons...

...because i can't wait to get back here...

...and my girl. because i don't want her grappling with the same insecurities i do.

so i vow...

the next time i'm at the store

i stick to my list.

“People had more than they needed, people didn’t know what was precious and what wasn’t, people threw away things they kill each other for now.” ~ Eli from "The Book of Eli"

go well.

the year of asanas: foot in mouth pose.

2011-01-04T09:40:00.001-06:00

last year i approached the new year in terms of skeins
(a skein, in this instance, referring to loosely wound balls of yarn)
i felt i had so many random bits buried within me
that i needed to pull out
and create something whole
(no matter the color or weight)
i worked on it
on all of it
and had some successes
but there were definitely missed stitches as well.

this year
as i head full force into what lies ahead
i have decided to approach 2011 in terms of asanas
(asanas, in this instance, referring to yoga poses).

i decided to use the term
because of something my yoga teacher had challenged us with
a couple of months ago;
she asked us to come up with a goal pose
a pose we wanted to achieve at some point
and to make that our own intention for our practices
both in and out of the studio.

you see
a new year to me is not about resolutions;
that would require resolve
something i rarely have.

however
a new year inevitably brings with it
hope
ambition
determination
a chance to embrace change
and each of these attributes i find in my yoga practice.

so this year
i'm speaking in asanas.

foot in mouth pose or shutupasana.

who takes you seriously when you look like this?

we are all capable of this pose

in fact many if not all of us have practiced this pose on more than one occasion.

you may be familiar with the effects it has on you mentally

rather than physically (although depending on your depth in the pose

you may have more physical side effects than some).

this is a pose i have found myself on more than one occasion

in the last month

in the last year

times when i have let my mouth

get ahead of my brain

and then at the end of the day

laid in bed

wide awake

stewing over what i had said

what i should have said

and when i should have just shut the hell up.

so my intention

for the new year

is to come out of this pose

to stop talking before i even begin

and instead listen

learn

observe

and then give myself plenty of time to form a response.

"I am burdened with what the Buddhists call the 'monkey mind' -- the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl." ~Elizabeth Gilbert

what asanas are you working on this year?

go well.

the winds of change...

2010-12-17T13:25:00.000-06:00

the winds of change are blowing.
recently, i considered moving from blogger
to wordpress
or perhaps typepad
(they have prettier templates).
but i just couldn't bring myself to do it;
i have developed an emotional attachment to
this
particular site and
this
particular address.

i guess in some ways
this is my home
amidst the wires.
my place of residence.
where i come to hang my hat.

the blog has morphed over the years
from random thoughts
to baby updates
back to random thoughts
and bits of writing.

i think i've tried to make this specific
to my brain waves
and my writing
but really
i want this to be specific to me
and to all of the things that make me
me.

so keep an eye out...
the winds of change are blowing.

go well.

weekends of thanks.

2010-11-23T12:48:00.001-06:00

i have had much to be thankful for
since last thursday
including...

popcorn
fireplaces
date night
late-night wal-mart runs
christmas shopping (nearly done!)
mock vintage t-shirts
crochet hooks
fun with cameras

watching my girl in the toy store
two day work weeks
cool whip.

go well.

strings of thankfulness.

2010-11-18T12:18:00.001-06:00

i am thankful for yarn.

here's why.

after receiving word
from my dear friend yesterday
that she would be starting a new adventure
and leaving the cornfields behind
i began to think about the ties
that brought us together
and have kept us tethered to the ground
in times of frustration;
those tethers
are made up
of yarn.

this got me thinking
about how my affair with yarn
began.

years
and
years
ago...

my great-aunt liz
who is always a riot to be around
came to visit us out west
and brought with her
crochet hooks
and yarn.

and i was
no pun intended
hooked.

i made several simple bookmarks
and could barely turn a chain
but i enjoyed the activity
and asked for my own hooks
and yarn
which my parents obliged me with.

and then
like kids do
i lost interest.

it wasn't until a few years ago
that i rekindled my relationship
with yarn.

i had decided to pick up crocheting again
as a means of trying to quit
smoking.
at the time
i wasn't very successful
but did manage to turn out several scarves
that year.

following christmas that year
my interest waned again
and the bag of yarn was tucked into a closet
along with a plethora of hooks.

it wasn't until the fall
of 2007
that i rediscovered my stash
purposefully
this time with more of a drive to quit smoking
and with a final project in mind:
my first blanket
a baby blanket
for my best girl.

i remember picking a shade of green
that reminded me of a color i had seen
in the yoga studio where i took classes
and i set to work
busying my hands each night
with the ~~daunting~~ task
of creating something for my girl.

but as first trimester sleepiness set in
the yarn got tucked under the couch
and eventually back in the closet
and then found its way into a box
that was moved to my parents' house
as we prepared to sell our own.

and then...

it was a pain i remember well

and even though time was blurred

by drugs

and sleep

i remember being restless

and stuck.

about a week after the accident

after returning home with my parents

and after several nights of waking up

and watching the clock

waiting for the second hand to reach the three

so i could take another percocet

my mom

ventured to their basement

to dig through our boxes

and find my yarn.

and my love for yarn

was blown up entirely

as it saved me from the pain.

last year

i decided i wanted to take on

with yarn

and i asked my dear friend

to show me the way

of the knitting needles.

and i made my second blanket

for sweet ella mary.

so why

you may ask

am i thankful for yarn today?

because today i am remembering how it has tied me to a dear friend.

because today i am remembering how it pulled me out of bad habits.

because today i am remembering how it saved me from the pain.

because today i started a new scarf...and a new blanket...for my girl.

because today i have hope that someday i will make more than scarves and baby blankets.

because today i am hopeful that i will one day be able to share it with my girl.

today

i am thankful for yarn.

go well.

six days of thanks.

2010-11-17T11:30:00.001-06:00

it's not that i haven't had thing
for which to be thankful.
i've just been too ~~lazy~~ busy
to brand them on the wires.

i am and have been thankful for...

flannel sheets
homemade vegetable soup
my mom's bran muffins
vintage doorknobs
$13 at goodwill
boots
adorable hats

peppermint mochas
a lack of exercise (just a break...so nice)
bags of trash (meaning less clutter in my kitchen)

i must say
that i am not thankful for phoenix
but am thankful for my dear friend
meg
whom i will miss very much
and who has brought such enlightenment
to my life.
i wish you well
but am so sad that you will be leaving.

go well.

oh dear...and thanks.

2010-11-11T10:43:00.001-06:00

it is november 11th.
i am behind.

on tuesday, i was thankful for...

my girl.
her smile.
the way she makes my life so much better.
and yoga.
and handstands.
and 'sons of anarchy'.

on wednesday, i was thankful for...

my husband
who woke me up
from sleeping
on my girl's floor
so that i could run.
for 5:00 a.m. runs.
for sleep masks.

today
i am thankful for
carmen
dayton
and dalton
who are no longer
the little kids
i remember
but instead
adults who i can poke fun at
and loving uncles and an aunt.
happy birthday.

and for our veterans
who never get enough credit
and deserve more than one day
of recognition.

and three day weekends.

go well.

and today...

2010-11-08T22:11:00.001-06:00

...i am thankful for

mobility
blonde curls
granola crisps
dyson vacuums
wagging tails.

backed up thanks.

2010-11-08T10:19:00.001-06:00

i didn't post this weekend.
i didn't post because i was busy
being a mom
being a wife
taking a nap
and just enjoying my home.

but here it is...

friday, i was thankful for:

final testing days
peanut butter M&Ms
mini crab cakes
soy chai
my bed.

saturday, i was thankful for:

hot glue guns
sewing machine gurus
post-nap snuggles
frozen pizza on the floor
our first official family movie night
the fact that i can still cry over kids' movies.

sunday, i was thankful for:

long naps in front of the fire
opening the windows in november
a child's imagination
apples, sausage and maple syrup
a man that loves being a daddy

go well.

thanks again.

2010-11-04T20:37:00.001-05:00

today i am thankful for...

etsy.
spontaneous starbucks.
haircuts
people who know how to restore old trunks AND use the internet.
clearance items.
homemade applesauce.

go well.

rants and thanks.

2010-11-03T12:48:00.002-05:00

it all started on etsy
which led me here

which in turn led me here

and here

and then spurred this e-mail to my husband:

I have come to a conclusion.

Whilst the cherubs are testing (diligently, I might add), I have had a great deal of time to "thumb" through websites.

It all started on Etsy, while I was looking for an apron for Charlie.

Then I clicked on a link...

then another...

and this was the conclusion I came to.

I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO DO ALL OF THE THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!

(mind you his response was that i should

perhaps

consider cutting down the amount of time i spend in the grocery store

which i know probably holds merit

and rationale)

i am a closet crafter
i love to make things
from trash
scrap paper
ribbon remnants
and anything else i can get my hands on.

i subscribe to a plethora
of crafty blogs
and ooh and aah over the finished products
of all the 'martha' moms
and their kids
and i try
really really hard
to make time for those things in our days
like last weekend
when we did this:

we had so much fun making these

and i cannot wait to get them put up

around our house

barren of any sign of autumn

at present.

my love for crafting

has been put on the back burner

(you can refer to this post

for more on that)

and while i would love

nothing more

than for my house to look

like this...

it just doesn't seem to work out that way.

but enough of that.

in all honesty

the above actually spurs

what is to follow

because...

i am thankful

for creative people

who share that creativity

in the same wires i have come to know well

because they inspire me

they make me think

they make me look at the world

my world

differently

and make me want

to make

create

brighten

enlighten

my home

my child's mind

my world.

today
i am also thankful
for pumpkin chili
a cleared schedule
warm drinks (pumpkin soy chai)
and ambition.

go well.

thanks 2.

2010-11-02T12:44:00.001-05:00

in an effort to continue the count
today i am thankful for...

coffee
my teammate's supply of m&m's
slippers that act as shoes (aka: winter flip-flops)

yoga
IBuprofen
the moana webcam (although it is important to note that they are five hours behind which means at 9:40 a.m. here, it is still quite dark there...)
the pitiful tears in the morning that, while heartbreaking, let me know that i am loved.

go well.

many thanks.

2010-11-01T08:55:00.007-05:00

today
while scanning facebook
i noticed that several of my contacts
had began to use their status update
as a place in which to post those things
for which they were thankful for
as a means of
'counting down'
to thanksgiving.

and i thought
huh;
what a good idea.

but rather than use my status updates
i decided to share with the world
(or whomever ventures here)
via my little corner in the wires.

so
i am thankful for...

snooze buttons
sweaters
maple almond butter and pumpkin spice soy milk...in my oats
giggles that seem to come from the tips of your hair straight out through your toes
sesame street...in the grocery store
the sweaty guy in my basement who makes me laugh even when i want to quit
the same guy (less sweaty) who spends the night on a floor so i can sleep in a bed
piles of leaves.

go well.

number 25 results in numbers 2, 21 and 24.

2010-10-27T12:16:00.002-05:00

life keeps reminding me of these.
this one has been especially noticeable as of late:

25. i am easily prone to distraction, procrastination and overstimulation.

recently, a string of choices has left me with
little to no time for myself.
my choices.
choices like working out into bedtime
and spending waking hours playing with my girl
and taking weekend trips
or making weekend plans.

some of these have been necessary...
some less necessary.
regardless of the necessity
though
it has left me searching for

2. create moments of connection within yourself

while loading groceries into the car
during the 90 second drive from daycare to school
and moments like these
in my darkened classroom.

this is not nearly enough time for a girl
who suffers
from number 25.

in fact
it typically leads to a lack of

21. it is essential to find something positive in each person you encounter

and

24. i am a better version of myself when i get to be alone with myself for awhile.

so.
last night in yoga
our intention for the evening
was goals.

now
my teacher intended for this to be a time
for us to set yogic goals for ourselves;
a pose we have yet to master
(crane, king pigeon, independent handstands)
or something else related to yoga
(practicing without pain)

and while i do have ~~one~~ many poses
i want very desperately to master
my 'goal'
went beyond asanas.

my goal
is to be
a better yogi
internally.
my goal
is to radiate
optimism and positivity
my goal
is to live a life
by example
and radiate
enthusiasm
happiness
and openness.

but number 25 results in a lack of numbers 2, 21 and 24.

so.
i guess i have to start small
and say
that my goal
is to eliminate
the distraction
the procrastination
and the overstimulation
that come with
number 25
so that i can practice
number 2
number 21
number 24.

and then
maybe i'll float into bakasana
and ultimately
tittibhasana.

go well.

number 8.

2010-10-14T12:41:00.002-05:00

in my previous post
i discussed 30 of my life lessons
as a way of stepping into
my 30th year.

one of the lessons though
that i feel very strongly about
was number
8.

yoga heals.

i have spoken about yoga
in previous posts
but as i was going through photos recently
i realized just how much
yoga has impacted my life
especially since the accident.

but let's go back
for a moment
if you'll bear with me
so that i can take you
to the root of this passion
and the beginning of this lesson.

* * *

i was not a 'sporty' kid.
i was a band geek.
i was a show choir freak.
i was a national honor society kid.

'physical' was a noun
not a verb.
i made sure that i loaded up on classes
so that i could opt out of PE my
sophomore
junior
and senior year.

when i entered college
my lack of physical activity
led to the freshman 15...20...25.
i smoked.
i drank.
i ate a lot of peanut butter straight from the jar
and a 'healthy meal' usually came from subway
or the campus salad bar (complete with chik-fil-a).
the most activity i got
was the time i spent walking from my dorm or car
to class.

* * *

i remember my discovery of yoga.
i was up early one day
cramming in a last minute paper
while chain smoking my marlboros
and channel surfing
when i stumbled upon
steve ross' inhale
bob marley playing the background
everyone smiling
moving
sweating
and i thought to myself
'i could totally do this'.

and so it became a part of my morning routine
to rise
light some candles
and yoga it up
with steve and company.

and so it was
at that point
that yoga
grabbed hold of my soul.

* * *

four years later
after becoming tired of practicing my yoga
in front of the television
i decided to search for a studio
to enrich my experience.

there was a part of me
that worried i had been doing it
all wrong
all these years.

i stumbled upon fusion
local
hip
open to all levels

and so i stepped out of my box
and into a studio
where marsha
took my love of yoga
and blew it up into a passion.

* * *

fast forward.
34 weeks pregnant.
broken.
practicing recliner style yoga
with one leg.
i remember being so afraid
that this was the end of my yogic journey.

* * *

in august 2008
six months post-accident
four months postpartum
a flier from my mother
led me to OHM
and to nancy
and to my mat.

as i looked at pictures of that time
i am remembering just how difficult it was...

my knees no longer bent
and standing up was a battle
i remember taking that picture
of my punkin
on the pumpkin
and afterward
having to hand her to bill
so that i could brace myself
and pull myself upright
with my arms.

in yoga class
i could not perform simple poses
that had once come so easily.
i still maintained a great deal of flexibility
but i became frustrated with my body's
inability to cooperate.

but
i
did
not
stop.

* * *

two years
and many yoga classes
later
i have found my inner yogi once again
and embraced her like a long-lost friend

i have balance.
i have energy.
i have improved perspective.
i have improved mobility.

i can bend my knees.
i can stand on one foot.

i can put my right leg behind my head.
i can find peace in poses
that once caused discomfort.

i can bend low to the ground
with my girl
and raise myself up
on two legs
without anything
or anyone to hold onto.

yoga has taught me
more about me
than i ever realized could be learned
in the space created
during savasana

yoga heals.

and not just physically
but mentally
and spiritually.

* * *

so thank you
steve ross
john friend
marsha nieland
and
nancy bright
for being my teachers
my gurus
for truly your teachings brought me out of
the darkness of ignorance
into the light of knowledge.

my yogic journey
is a never ending
constantly evolving
trek
and i am so thankful
i get to experience it.

namaste
and
go well.

30 lessons OR chapter 30 part 2.

2010-10-11T21:42:00.001-05:00

i have marked my 30th year
here.

its a very strange number for me to wear
because so often
i still feel i wear the insecurities
and uncertainties
of 18.

for example.

when i got pregnant
i was fearful i would be 'judged' for being too young
and then realized that i had nearly seven years of marriage under me
and 26 years of life.

or when i get called down to the principal's office...
still makes me feel like i'm wearing 18
and being called in for having missed choir.

and when my guy kisses me
it makes me feel 18 and silly
all over again.

the truth is
there are a lot of truths i have not uncovered
that i thought i would have uncovered
by the time i donned 30.

and the pieces that make me me
are still scattered on the floor
but as i look at the big picture
i realize that the puzzle is more complete now
than it was a year ago
three years ago
twelve years ago...

and so.
i wanted to take this time
and mark my 30th year
with 30 (of the many) lessons
i have learned
some on my own
some with the help of others.

experience your children.
create moments of connection within yourself.
exercise and eat your vegetables...organic ones if possible.
coffee is good for you (and ultimately saves the lives of many students/spouses/children)
create, listen to and dance to music; at least one of these once a day.
make time to hold your love and share quiet conversations in whatever moments you can find.
our bodies are vessels; vessels of strength, health and love. they are also canvases that you can adorn with ink, scars and laugh lines.
yoga heals.
you cannot change people. you can only change the way you respond to them (thanks, mom.)
it is important to never go to bed angry (thanks, dad.)
be creative. draw, paint, scrapbook, knit, write, photograph, move furniture...whatever it is, do it.
live for today; let the road carry you and be willing to abandon your 'plans'.
despite number 12, it is also important to note that there is value to be found in routine and consistency.
giving is far more rewarding and fulfilling than getting.
age happens. and that's okay.
forgive. (i'm still working on this one.)
tofu kinda rocks my world.
embrace animals into your family.
no matter what, nothing is ever that bad (again, thanks dad.)
i am not what happened to me. i am what i choose to become (thank you, jung.)
it is ~~important~~ essential to find something positive in each person you encounter (still working on this one too, in some cases.)
date night is a must. date days are even better. date weeks are off the charts. it is important for your child(ren) to see you and your significant other do things together...without them.
God is good.
i am a better version of myself when i get to be alone with myself for awhile.
i am easily prone to distraction, procrastination and overstimulation.
do not be afraid of how the world perceives you. be you anyway.
it is important to read lots of stuff. magazines, smutty novels, classics, memoirs, stereo directions. read read read.
recycle (both physically and literally. aluminum cans, glass, newspapers, dreams, taste in music, skinny jeans...whatever the case may be.)
never lose a moment to tell someone you love them.
live every day like it is your last.

i realize that the last one is a bit cliche.

but after that moment

two years ago

when we nearly lost it all...

i hang onto each breath i get

each hug that comes from my girl

each kiss from my guy

each giggle shared between family.

i have so much left to learn

but am so thankful for the lessons i can pocket

and hand down.

to another year

full of

kisses

hugs

giggles

down dogs

cups of coffee

cold wet noses

date nights

game nights

sick days

cartoons

balls of yarn

snuggles

experiences

love

and

lessons.

go well.

chapter 30: part 1.

2010-10-05T12:35:00.003-05:00

it was important to me that a tattoo be included somewhere in my 30th chapter...

charlie got some ink while we were there too...

from one of my yoga journals:

"...you embody a luminous lotus flower emerging from muddy water. In yogic lore, the lotus is a metaphor for how past experiences can be used as fertile soil for blooming into a more awakened soul. "

here's to a more awakened soul and visual reminder to always strive for it.

go well.

offense.

2010-09-15T10:51:00.002-05:00

i ~~think~~ know
with 88% assurance
that this offended people
and quite possibly hurt feelings.

and this devastates me
because even though i am a bad friend
i (like to) think i have a good heart.

perhaps
as is often the case with my words
(although i am usually much better with the written word)
that my message was misinterpreted by some.

the 'bad friend' post
came out of many conversations
that have been held
between myself
and other women
about how each of us are
bad friends.

we are bad friends because we don't make daily phone calls to one another
because our phones have been flushed, left at work or simply turned off.
we are bad friends because as much as we would like to make casseroles for momentous occasions
we are too tired (or busy) to make ourselves casseroles.
we are bad friends because as much as we want to check in on one another and share in our joys and griefs and hardships and wins
we are too busy celebrating our own (minor) successes like potty training, sleeping through the night, making it through the day.

ultimately
we are bad friends because at the end of the day
we
my husband
my girl
myself
come first.

it's not that we don't want to be good friends
it's just that our circumstances somehow prevent us from being that
and ~~perhaps~~ indeed
those circumstances are incredibly and unapologetically
selfish.

so i am sorry
for those who took offense
and even more sorry
for feelings i may have had a hand in hurting.
the previous post had absolutely nothing to do with anyone
but me;
this space in the wires is reserved for my own growth
through words
and i have only ever intended it for good.

i sincerely hope that elbert was right:

"Never explain -- your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway."
~ elbert hubbard

so be you a 'good' friend
a new friend
an old friend
a sometimes friend
or one of my beloved 'bad' friends...

go well.

baby, baby.

2010-09-08T22:14:00.001-05:00

lately
babies have been on the radar;
from pregnant neighbors
and co-workers
to inquiring minds
and dreams influenced
by too much bedtime ice cream...

and while i know
i don't owe anyone
an explanation
i still feel the need
to talk about it
and this
is my go-to place
for just such
issues.

***

it is strange
the way our lives change;
eleven years ago
no one was asking me
if i was planning on having a baby
with my new boyfriend
who had lots of tattoos
and a souped up nissan.
in fact
people
(parental people)
were probably more concerned
with me not getting pregnant.

and so were we.
parenthood was not
an adventure we wanted to have.

***

two years later
when i became
that guy's wife
a few people speculated
as to when we would start a family
but more speculated
when we would get divorced;
we were 20 and 21
young by today's standards
and the odds were stacked against us.

i was in college
he was working at a gas station
we barely made the rent
but there was love
and so we decided to start a family.

we got sammy.

and we were very happy
with our family of three.

***

it was near the end
of my college career
when we decided that maybe
a baby
was the next logical step.

and so
in those months
i spent driving to
and from
saint louis
we made the most of our brief weekends
and watched the days slip by
on the calendar
on the wall.
and when graduation
finally came
i felt defeated
and said,
"let's move home."

and that was the end
of the baby talk.

but we did decide
to expand our family
once again.

we got oz.

and we were very happy
with our family of four.

***

and the days
turned into weeks
and months
and years.

my parents had resigned themselves
to being grandparents
of grandpuppies
and we had resigned ourselves
to being the hip
childless couple.

we had freedoms
we knew
we would sacrifice
as parents;
spontaneous roadtrips
random late-night errands
spur of the moment concerts
coffee dates
evenings spent at the gym
coming and going
as we wanted
with no one to worry about
but us.

and when i was asked
"when are you going to have kids?"
my response evolved from
"i don't know," to
"i don't know that i am."

***

i was smoking a cigarette
the moment i realized
i was pregnant.

i was standing in my sister's garage
chatting about my bad mood
and other various
female conundrums
when i began to do the math in my head:

i was two weeks late.

she became giddy at the idea
while i
shrugged it off
lit another cigarette
and tried to decide
where to buy a pregnancy test.

i went home
peed on a stick
that instantly gave me
two pink lines
but decided to go sit on my porch
for a minimum five cigarettes
just for good measure.
and as i sat
and waited
and let the smoke
curl around my brain
i thought about
all those things
i was going to have to sacrifice
all those plans
i was going to have to change.

two pink lines
can turn your world
upside down.

and when bill arrived home
i said,
"i have good news
and i have bad.
which do you want first?"

good.

"the good news is
the students refund check came today.
the bad news is
we aren't going to ireland
next summer."

why?

"because you're going to be a daddy."

and the smile on his face
the glimmer in his eye
made it all okay
and a flood of excitement
washed over me.

and i quit smoking.

***

it's no secret
that pregnancy
was not my thing.

you can read about it
here
and here
and even here.

this made me all the more anxious
to be a mama.

***

two years later
here i am.
the journey through pregnancy
infancy
and now toddlerhood
all documented somewhere amidst the wires.
and despite my loathing of pregnancy
i made it a point to savor it
because going into it
i knew
it would be my only time.

and the infancy...
oh how i savored that time
pocketing each moment in my heart
the smells
the expressions
the smiles
the quiet moments shared while i nursed her
the shape her mouth took on when she slept
the day she sat up for the first time
slept in her own bed for the first time
crawled for the first time
took her first steps
the way she would open her mouth, grab your hair and eat your nose
as if to kiss you
the way she would tuck her left arm behind my back
while we rocked to sleep
the way she looked laying on her daddy's chest
after a warm bath
the way her eyes sparkled when she saw snow for the first time.
i soaked up these moments
because i knew
i would never get them back
and that tomorrow
she would be different
than she was today.

and the toddlerhood...
while trying at times
has been a whirlwind experience
that leaves us exhausted
and smiling
the way she dances
runs
shoves her hands in her pocket and saunters through life
the conversations
and jokes
and giggles we share
the way she barely opens her eyes as she falls asleep and says,
"no big dinosaurs here, mama. we're safe."
or those moments
when she thinks we're not looking
and rocks her baby dolls and says,
"you no feel good? i kiss it make it better. all better? oh, okay!"
the thrill that comes with watching her use the toilet
or open doors by herself
or put a puzzle together
or a key into the ignition of a quad
(don't ask)
and despite the moments of frustration
the relay races through the grocery store
the "go away, mama"'s or "i do it myself, daddy"'s
the times we nearly pull her arm out of its socket as we reach for her just before she runs into the street
the restless nights
the messy house
the lack of energy
i wouldn't trade it
or her
for the world.

not for all of the

spontaneous roadtrips

random late-night errands

spur of the moment concerts

coffee dates

evenings spent at the gym

coming and going

as we wanted
times
that came before her.
because i cannot imagine my life

without this child.

and we are happy
our family of three
plus two
big dogs
and a fish.

***

and so
in response
i don't know if another child
is in the cards for all of us.

there is a part of me that would love for charlie
to experience a sibling
the way i did
and to have that person
to move through life with.

but.

i am honest when i say that
right
now
my heart is not aching for a second child
my womb is not swelling at the idea of carrying another soul
my mind is has not been tempted to even consider it in the last year
my husband is perfectly happy being the daddy of one incredible little girl.

and

right

now

my hip is only reserved for one.

and we are very happy

our little family.

go well.

hiking through the years...

2010-09-07T10:03:00.000-05:00

i love to hike.
i love to be outside.
i love autumn.
i love a combination of all three
(although i guess its not really
hiking
unless you're outside...)
i love that i can still do this.

when i was young
we spent nearly every weekend
at least that i can recall
in the mountains
fishing
climbing
exploring
collecting
and just getting dirty.
i loved it.
they are experiences
that have stuck with me
and that i hope to give
to my best good girl.

we took charlie
on her first hiking excursion
this weekend
and it had me thinking about
the first time
bill and i explored that park
together
just months before
that exuberant soul
began to form
in my womb.

and for two hours
she climbed
she hiked
she jumped over roots
she explored
she fascinated
she wondered.

she's a natural.

then.

now.

then.

now.

then.

now.

then.

now.

then.

now.

then.

now.

then.

now.

i'm always amazed at the direction my life has taken.

go well.

bad friend.

2010-09-01T11:10:00.001-05:00

i am a bad friend.

this is something
i have given a lot of thought to
in the last year
and have pondered over
balls of yarn
and large iced coffees
and diaper exchanges
with some of my other
bad friends.

i used to be a good friend.
there was a time
when i made daily phone calls
and bought thoughtful gifts
and cooked meals
when babies were born
and grandparents died
and worried about all of the problems
of all of the people
in my life
to the point of obsession at times
and i don't remember if that made me happy
because i was too busy being a good friend.

when i got pregnant
i slowly began to morph
into the bad friend.
i blame some of that
on the lethargy that comes
in the first (and last) trimester
of pregnancy.
i slept constantly
and struggled to make toast
let alone phone calls
or meals.

and the thing i discovered?

i didn't miss it.
not one bit.
i worried about me
and my husband
and the growing soul inside me.

after the accident
i was amazed at the outpouring
of kindness we received
the thoughts
the prayers
the meals
the visits
the quirky gifts
that helped me pass time
and neglect pain.

and they weren't from
the good friends
that had littered my past
they were from co-workers
church patrons
and those women
i fondly refer to as
my bad friends.

and i am content with my bad friendships.
these are the women
whom i don't speak to on a daily basis;
in fact
we sometimes go weeks
months
without any communication.

many of these women
have been my bad friends
for a decade
or more
and i am so thankful for them
and for their acceptance of me
as a bad friend.

so to my bad friends
(and you know who you are)

thank you for the thought provoking moments
over balls of yarn
and for letting me make mistakes
and learn from them
and for helping me be
creative
and seeing things
from a new perspective.

thank you for the iced coffees and frappes
and quiet conversations
that only we know
for letting me be me
and sharing you in the process
and always being my go-to girl
and kindred spirt.

thank you for sharing
the chaos of toddlerhood with me
and finding me after all these years
to watch our babies grow
as we did
and share our frustrations
and successes
and yearnings for early bedtimes.

thank you for always being
my favorite bad friend
and only sister
and being so very different
from me
so that i can understand life
a little bit more
and for giving me a niece
that will be a sister
and bad friend
to my best good girl.

thanks to each of you
for allowing me
to just be me
for never expecting anything
for never demanding anything
and for loving me
for the bad friend i am.

go well.

because it clenched my chest.

2010-09-01T10:37:00.000-05:00

i have just recently begun to follow the nienie dialogues.
i'm still getting to know her
but so far i have learned that
she is married.
she has four children.
she is the same age as me.
she was in a plane crash.
she suffered severe burns.
she's one determined chickie.

and as i read this post
i felt connected to her on some levels
and felt broken hearted for her on others
and overall
was just in awe.
and it kind of clenched at my chest
to watch this family grow
to be allowed to watch this family grow.

i'm in constant pursuit
of inspiration
and muses.
nienie
is just that
today.

go well.

trunk love.

2010-08-19T22:08:00.001-05:00

i come

from a line

of refinishers.

let me explain.

my pappy owns a home improvement store

in southern illinois.

my fondest memories of my pappy

include him in paint-stained dockers

and white undershirts

wiping the sweat from his brow

with a white hankie.

the man always has a new shade

tucked underneath his fingernails

and has the gift of turning trash

into beautiful treasure.

my nanny had an eye for trash.

the woman planted the passion of the hunt in me

and nurtured my eye

for the beauty that can lie

in someone else's discarded

'junk'.

the two of them together

produced amazing pieces

that litter our home

my parents' home

my sister's home;

pieces that would have otherwise

been buried under piles of garbage

and dirt

and time

never to be seen again.

one of those pieces

that rests in my (now) office

is an old

camel back

steamer trunk.

i can't recall exactly

when this trunk came into my possession

but it has remained one of my most favorite things

and something

(despite its pink exterior)

that has always found a place

in our home.

my mother

has two of her own trunks

one that sits at the foot of their brass bed

and another that serves as a coffee table in the basement.

my sister

now has in her possession

a trunk that my nanny discovered at a garage sale

years ago

and that my pappy refinished for her

shortly after nanny left us.

needless to say

we have a thing for trunks.

when bill discovered this old piece

at a roadside sale last summer

for eight dollars

i was giddy at the idea

of making this tradition

my own.

it was a disaster

waiting to be rescued.

my pappy

of course

made the whole ordeal sound easy.

get some stripper.

strip the paint.

wipe it down with paint thinner.

paint.

stain.

glaze.

poly.

done.

after the first coat of stripper

i made a phone call.

'pappy?'

'well hey, amy lou!'

'pappy, the painted the wood. the WOOD, pappy.'

'its in the grain, huh?'

'who does that!?'

'you need a brush...get a car detail brush with the tough bristles. then, you just gotta get on there. scrub it good.'

two coats of stripper later

and three detailing brushes destroyed...

as the trunk began to reveal itself

to me

i begin to think of my nanny

and the trunk she had left me

and the love that had been put into it.

and i wanted so much

for this

to make her proud of me.

to smile on me from some moonbeam

and say,

'you done good, sweetheart.'

i began to breathe life into the wood

and brought color to the old

discarded

piece.

and as i brought this piece to life

i thought much

about the life we had lost

when we lost her

and at some point

i thinned the paint with my tears

and mixed them with the stain

and brushed them deep into the grain of the wood

replacing the blue paint

that had once occupied the grooves.

the experience

transformed more than just metal

and wood

it transformed me

it brought me new life

it helped me remember that from which i come

and it made me hope that someday

my best good girl

will too

find the glimmer

in the garbage

of life.

go well.

running out of time.

2010-07-24T14:33:00.000-05:00

summer
for me
has always been about completing projects
that are neglected from august to may
and
hopefully
in the process
learning a little bit more about me
so that when i get back
to the hecticness of life
i have threads to hold onto
to keep me grounded
until summer returns again.

and yet
with a toddler
i'm finding it harder
to find the time
to learn those lessons
and complete those projects
but all in all
here's what i've come up with so far:

i don't write enough (as evidenced by the lack of blogging) but i want to.
i love to kayak.
i crave creative opportunities; from painting a room to painting a canvas, refinishing furniture, creating things out of yarn, yearning to sew, playing with cameras and finding the color in life. i want our home to reflect the creativity that each of us has.
i want to be someone who enjoys running. i'm trying very hard to be that girl.
i adore repurposing objects found for a $1.
i am at peace when everything is in its place. this happens rarely which means peace is sometimes hard to come by.
i need quiet time. at least an hour a day for just me.
i don't spend enough time with my husband.
i miss yoga; i took the summer off because of trips and schedules but am dying to get back to it.
i have to let go of the irrational desire to belong; i do belong and i forget that sometimes. i am a more miserable version of myself when i'm trying to be someone i'm not.
i love open air markets.
i enjoy digging in the dirt and am at times a little sad that i don't have big trees and grandiose gardens. i'll get there eventually.
i enjoy teaching but am not at all prepared to return to it.
the company of a 2-year old is the only company you need.

what lessons are you learning?

go well.

my guy.

2010-06-17T19:29:00.001-05:00

ever since the accident
i have always made a point
of penning letters
for our sweet girl
because it is important to me
that she know.

what i have failed to do
at least with regards
to this corner in the wires
is write to you
and now seemed
as good a time as any
on this father's day
to do
just
that.

with all honesty
when i saw you
standing across the way
over eleven years ago
i didn't see a white dress
or a sold sign
or two big dogs romping through a yard
or wagons
or teacups
or the blonde curls that have taken over our world.

i saw a man
that i was certain
i had no future with
but whom i was hopeful
might share a cigarette with me.

not long after
that first cigarette
there was the flirtatious smile
you would throw my way
long talks in mall parking lots
and soon
a kiss
that would change my world.

and now here we are.

you and i
have learned
more than some
that this thing called 'life'
has more detours in it
than we ever anticipated.

from rich to poor
in sickness and in health
for better for worse
we've moved through them all
sometimes fiercely as one
sometimes pushing the other along
and sometimes dragging one another
along
just to get to the other side
together.

i have always been proud of us.
for we have faced the obstacles
that would send other couples
running in opposite directions
and in a world when marriage is taboo
and divorce is the trend
we have balked at society
and held tightly
to one another
even on the slipperiest of slopes.

and every day i love you more.

as if that weren't enough
you then gave me the one thing
i didn't realize
was the one thing i was missing
the one thing we were missing.

you gave me her.

and there isn't a hallmark card
nearly enough
to express my gratitude for that.
there isn't a gift
worth nearly as much
as the love of our family.

you are
without question
an incredible daddy
and while i'm taking this opportunity
to tell you that
i hope you know
that i
that we
think that every
single
day.
nothing fills my heart with joy
more
than watching her face light up
when you walk into a room
and seeing yours light up
in return.

there are no words
that could ever truly describe
the love
a man has
for his little girl.

thank you for being my guy
and for being her daddy.
we are the two luckiest girls in the world.

happy father's day.

how to parent: by me.

2010-05-26T12:05:00.001-05:00

while reading this post
i found myself empathizing with the author
and since i am always on the hunt
for things to spur
my composition
this seemed as good a time as any
to talk about my parenting style.
it's not right
it's not wrong
it just is
and i have to think that some of what bill and i do
has influenced charlie
and helped her to become
the little rockstar that she is.

'cause she is.
a rockstar.
no joke.
we have
the
coolest
kid
ever.

when charlie was born
i regained purpose.
after the accident
i was left to sit
and whittle the days away
with pain killers
and yarn
and colored pencils.
i couldn't mow the lawn
or dig in my garden
or even run the vacuum.

but then
this sunshine
burst into my life
and everything prior to that point
just melted away
in her beaming presence.
i had purpose.
i had new life.
i had sunshine.
and i did not want to let it go.
so i didn't.
for three months
i was never more than
twenty feet away from my girl.

some might say that i should have taken more time for me.

believe me

i'd had plenty of that

in the weeks leading up to her arrival.

we've made choices that have worked.

we've made choices that

probably

didn't work so well.

we will make choices that will

or won't

work for the rest of our lives.

and chances are

we won't use a book

to tell us which choices to make.

we'll go on gut instinct

common sense

and lots of love.

i won't lie

this has created some anxiety

in the past.

as a mother

i want to make sure my child is

'on track'

for her age.

she didn't start on cereal until she was six months old.

she didn't start forming words until she was closer to ten months old (despite her signing ability).

she didn't walk until she was 13 months old.

she still hasn't made the transition to her 'big girl' bed.

she still gets rocked to sleep every night.

but.

she is healthy. she eats well. she likes tofu. she likes grapes. she loves 'fru nacks'

she talks. a lot. she has full on conversations with us. she read books. she talks to her animals. we always know what she wants...and what she doesn't want.

she runs. fast. she can easily keep up with my slow jog. i can't keep her down these days.

she will sleep in a big girl bed this summer. we just had to find the right one. a big iron frame. i think we'll paint it purple.

she still gets rocked to sleep every night and according to my mother, that's okay because someday she won't want to.

and if my mom says so

that's all the assurance i need.

go well.

wheelie unfair.

2010-05-18T14:15:00.001-05:00

this morning left me feeling all weepy.
we took our eighth grade students
up to the big bad high school
for their annual
'you're almost there'
tour.

as staff members
we dragged our feet behind them
in dread of what the morning held:
organized chaos.
not my forte.

i opted to follow a group of students
one of which was confined to a wheelchair
following a surgery he had last week.

things started off smoothly enough.
we managed to get around to both auditoriums
for sessions ranging from
homework
to sports
to drama club
to lunch.

but as our tour began,
things took a turn.
as an alumnus
i knew where the elevators were located in the building
and our tour
became full of detours
and before long
we had lost our group.
it was me
the kid
and a wheelchair
trying to make it through
the maze of hallways
familiar to me
frightening to him.

i attempted to make the most of the situation
by pointing out the girls' locker room
(a place i should never hear of him stepping foot)
and the media center where i had danced with my future husband
(when it was better known as 'the gym')
but i was struck numb
when we
after several elevators
were unable to access one of the rooms
located on a main level
only accessible via a chair lift
that didn't work when i attended school there.
and we sat at the top of the stairs
waiting for his classmates
because we could not get to where they were.

and as someone that has faced these challenges
my heart broke for him
and for all those
that cannot gain access to those places
they desire to go
desire to be.

my heart ripped in two
when we got back to our own building
and his p.e. teacher looked at me puzzled and stated
'we're going outside, so i'm not sure what you want to do with him.'
as if he were some thing
instead of a person
who would love nothing more
than to just participate
to feel the sunshine on his own face
even if he couldn't run in it.

be cognisant of those around you
who may have physical limitations
do not feel sorry for them
but instead
find a way
to make them a part.

everyone deserves a chance to participate in this life.

best good girl.

2010-04-29T13:39:00.002-05:00

my bug.
my love.
my best good girl.

it's true what they say;
having children is an experience one cannot find words for.
somehow
i turned around for a moment
and in that instant
two years have passed.
everyday i love you more and more
than the day before
and everyday you change
and grow.

when i hold you in my arms in the evenings
and look down at your legs dangling over the arm of the chair
i can't quite place in my mind
when you got so big.
when i look at your beautiful face
peaceful and sleepy
after a day of giggles and squeals
i cannot remember what i did
before you changed my life.

i have moments of anxiety
as a mother
as your mother
that i will never be able to teach you all that i want
show you all that i want
give to you all that i want
but i promise you that i will make the most of every opportunity i am given
and this is one.

as you enter toddlerhood
i think it only fair to share with you
all that you do
and say
that make your daddy's life
and mine
the adventure that it has become
since you entered them.

you are busy. you run. you walk. you rarely let us hold you or carry you. you despise your stroller and make sure i know it. you keep up with me when i jog stiffly through papa's pasture or down the trail. you throw your head back and laugh at the sky as you propel yourself forward through life.
you are in a constant state of chatter. the things you say each and every day amaze me. just the other day, driving down the road you shouted, "mama! daddy! look! purple lilacs!" and sure enough, there by the roadside were rows and rows of purple lilac bushes.
we frequent starbucks together. you get the vanilla milk, i get the vanilla latte. when we pull into the parking lot, you clap and scream 'MILK!!' (this does not thrill your daddy).
in addition to your chatter come a few choice phrases: "go way, mama" and "stop it, daddy." are two we hear more than we would like. however, when you say, "i sorry, mama." or "'scuse me, daddy." you make up for it.
you are a great cousin, we have found. you are so gentle with ella and it is so special to get to watch you kiss her gently on the head and whisper to her as you 'hold' her.
you love to build things and tear them down. you head straight for you building blocks when we get home and shout over your shoulder, "come on, mama. build house." your daddy is far more creative with lego architecture than me and the two of you produce great skyscrapers made of red, blue, yellow and green.
you are quite the little artist. you love to color and paint and i have to keep a stash of paper and colored pencils in my purse at all times...just in case.
you love to sing. most mornings it is what i wake up to. 'old macdonald', 'ABCs', 'twinkle, twinkle' and 'row, row' are just a few of your favorites. i love to lie in bed and listen to the rise and falls in your voice as you serenade your stuffed animals. you also enjoy listening to music and i make sure you have a good supply of it on the tiny iPod (that once was lost and now is yours). you especially love jason mraz (and i was secretly thrilled when you picked up a jimi hendrix CD at the store just last week).
i'm proud to say you've discovered the toilet and how to use it (someday you'll hate me for posting this for all the world to see but i don't care.) you are not consistent, but every time you succeed, there is great applause! you manage to use the facilities at least once a day, sometimes more when given the opportunity. you find flushing to be quite humorous and rewarding.
you love your dogs, despite your constant scolding them. and they love you, if even from a safe distance!
you are such a reader. you enjoy books so very much and thrills me to no end to watch you pull book after book out and ask your daddy or me to read it. you have mastered so many books already and often times will 'read' them to us. it is the one thing i have no problem buying you more of time and time again.
you don't mind getting dirty and i have resolved to buy only tee-shirts and jeans for you from now on.
you are an outdoor kid to be sure. you love being outside in any way you can be; whether out for a jog on the trail or picking up dog poop...it makes no difference to you. i love watching you take in the air and the sun and the grass and the sky. i dread having to pull you away from the playground when i come to retrieve you in the afternoons.
you love chocolate milk.
you are fiercely independent. i like to think you got that from me.
you are fiercely stubborn. pretty sure you got that from your daddy.
you know the difference between a motorcycle, car, airplane and helicopter. we are still working on the fact that not every truck is a 'garbage' truck, though.
you are and always be, the best thing we ever did. you are a gentle soul with a fierce spirit and more than either one of us could have ever dreamed of. i love you to the moon and back, my girl.

complicated simplicity.

2010-04-28T13:37:00.000-05:00

bear with me.
i'm all over the place with this one.

if you've never experienced
a session of anusara yoga
i highly recommend and encourage it.

i love yoga
just about any style of it
but i take from an inspired anusara teacher.
one of the things i love about anusara yoga
is that it establishes an intention for your practice
prior to the down-dogs and pigeons.

last night's intention was
simplicity.
we started off by sharing how we got into yoga.
i originally started my journey with yoga in college
when i stumbled across steve ross' show on television.
i think i got into it for the 'exercise'
(despite the fact that i would light up a cigarette shortly after my practice)
i was never good at the sports-thing
but i found i was good at yoga.
i enjoyed it
and always felt revived following an hour of vinyasas.

it wasn't until we moved home
that i began exploring yoga in a studio setting
and found with it came
a spiritual side to the practice that
had eluded me for nearly five years.

yoga has saved
my sanity
my mobility
my spirit.

yoga
got me through the first seven months
of my pregnancy.

yoga
brought me back from the brink
of catastrophe
and helped me regain my balance.

yoga
has pulled me from the darkness
more than once
and helped me find my center.

have i told you how much i love yoga?

but i digress.

* * *
our new session began last night
and with it came a renewed teacher
full of energy for the practice.

the intention was simplicity.
one of the passages she shared with us dealt with
how to make life
simpler.

what do you omit from your own life
to make it simpler?

is it your work load?
is it your commitments?
is it your social obligations?

the last one was the one that resonated with me.
probably not in the way it was intended in the passage
but it stuck with me regardless:
that word

social.

if you know me at all
then you know this:

i am not a people person.

and i was completely okay with this
until i had a child.
and then
i observed the happy mothers
with their beads
and chanel sunglasses
and lattes
at the park
while their children ran around unminded
and thought
'is my anti-social nature a disservice to my child?'

soon
news of 'get-togethers' and a lack of invite to such gatherings
had me knotted and feeling like the middle school kid
who doesn't have a seat saved for her at the lunch table
pictures of others' play dates
on my preferred social networking site
(and preferred means of socializing)
had me searching my empty rolodex for the names of people with children
the same age as my own.

but here's the thing.
the intention set last night
the intention i set for myself
is one of simplicity.

if

i force myself
to be someone i am not
for the sake of being 'social'
not only is it a disservice to myself
but it is
ultimately
a disservice to my girl.

if simplicity makes us a more complete being
then why do i think that complicating my life
with the idea of being social
would benefit my girl?

so

i'm not going to worry about it any more.
instead
i'm going to be the best
simple
me
i can be
and know that my girl will benefit from that
more than from a mother
that complicates her life
with worrying about how many play dates
she's booked for the month.

what do you need to omit from your life to make it simpler?
go well.

lessons i have learned this week...

2010-04-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

when a child nears the age of two, high chair covers no longer serve a purpose. life is much easier when you strip them off and leave the chair to its natural, naked, plastic state of existence.
one should never check his or her work e-mail before bed. insomnia tends to follow.
one should never check his or her work e-mail following an outstanding evening of yoga. it's amazing how quickly your body binds itself right back up.
the trail outside my house has apparently gotten steeper OR my kid weighs a hundred pounds more than last fall because pushing the jogging stroller up to the park just got a lot harder.
i actually like having plants in my house.
my husband and i make a damn fine team. i'm pretty sure we're the couple to beat. we rock.
when you give your toddler a cookie for the car ride home, make sure the temperature in the car is less than 80* and the cookie is not covered in milk chocolate.
always keep crayons and paper on hand. pen does not come out of yellow leggings without a fight.
i like that curious little monkey and watching little eyes light up when she sees him.
i miss having an 'established' yard.
i miss trees. and honeysuckle and milkweed and all the other summer plants i tended year after year.
i have officially ruined the one pair of jeans that i loved and i just can't make anything else work like those.
i love to knit, but i have a need to crochet.
green beans cannot be replanted once little hands pluck the seedlings.
there is never enough time in my days for all there is i want to do.

what lessons did you learn this week?

edible post.

2010-04-01T09:28:00.001-05:00

i'm obsessed with food.

at any given time

i have multiple obsessions;

yarn

yoga

photo albums

tattoos

books

and food.

these are the things that occupy my mind

at any given moment of the day.

as spring dawns and summer approaches

i find myself frothing

to get to the 'good stuff'

and ultimately to grow it myself.

but more than that,

i have become so incredibly aware

of food

where it comes from

what's in it

and how it affects my body

my husband's body

my child's body.

(re: food inc. here -- scary wonderful).

needless to say

our diets have changed drastically

since the days of yore.

gone are the totino's party pizzas from our freezer

replaced by free-range chicken

and organic peas.

no more hamburger helper in the pantry

it has been taken over by dried herbs

oats and granola.

this will not be my child:

so we eat well.
we make sure there's lots of color to our meals.
and yesterday
i watched my little girl
plant her first green beans.

i can't wait to watch them
and her
grow.

sunshine makes me feel...

2010-03-26T11:07:00.000-05:00

sometimes i really very much want to write

and i really very much can't think

of a damned thing to talk about.

so sometimes i like to do what we make the kids do:

write about a journal topic

this one i liked.

sunshine makes me feel...

sunshine makes me feel like a child.

sunshine makes me long for air

and quiet breezes

and green grass

and long runs

and giggles.

sunshine makes me feel peaceful.

i have spent hours upon hours

and days upon days

perched on decks

patios

porches

with a book

and the sunshine

listening to the birds

letting the wind

the breeze

slide its fingertips over my face

and tussle my hair.

sunshine makes me feel maternal

in the weeks following our accident

and before my sweet girl arrived

my mom

my dad

would wheel me onto their deck

while they tended the pasture

and i would sit with the mutts

lift up my shirt

and expose my swollen belly to the rays

and read to my best good girl.

she loves to be outside even now.

sunshine makes me feel healthy.

the rays pierce my skin

leaving it to prickle and dance

and sending the cells in motion

sending me in motion

i yearn to move forward

and up

and down

and further

and further.

it pulls up the vegetables

it ripens the fruit

it awakens this vessel.

sunshine makes me feel productive.

as the light lifts the earth

it pulls me out

and pushes my hands in the dirt

and the sweat pours from my hair

down my eyes

and into the ground

and from it

come blooms.

sunshine makes me feel alive.

it wipes away the dead of winter

and reveals those

who have been holed up for months.

reveals green

reveals buds

reveals new life

reveals revitalized life.

today.

2010-03-23T08:15:00.001-05:00

i will never stop
being thankful.
thank you husband
for the pictures.

on the eve.

2010-03-22T21:19:00.000-05:00

i think

i thought

that after the first year

after facing it all head on

after recovering

and running

and climbing mountains

and watching my best good girl grow

and just plain living...

after all of that

i guess i just thought

this day would become insignificant.

it hasn't.

i still wear it on my right leg.

i still carry it in my hip

and on the tibia.

and i wear it with pride.

i carry it with pride.

it is what pushes me

through that wall

and onto the horizon

day

after

day.

that

and this.

husband. thank you for picking me up, then and now and always. you told me once, during recovery that it was disappointing when i became more independent because, despite your pride, you felt unneeded. i hope you know how much i will always and forever need you. broken or not.

mom and dad. no matter how many years come and go from then to there...i am who i am because you are who you are. i am strong because you taught me how to be. i only hope i can teach charlie the same.

sister. thank you for bringing joy to this day and a new and wonderful anticipation. i cannot wait to meet her and tell her how amazing her mama is.

sweet girl. i thank the stars and the moon and the trees and god above for you. you make me a better person. i am so thankful and honored and excited to watch this big world unfold at your feet. you were born of strength and love. i hope you will always know that strength and love and share it with everyone you encounter.

tomorrow will come

and go

and be just another blink

on a calendar

but for me

for always

it will be the day

that i became the woman i am.

"At this point, I've got the confidence to know that I'll get through anything in my life given I have the motivation to do it. If it's an act of survival, we've all got a reason to keep living. It may not be pretty, but surviving is grit and determination in its highest form. I learned that I've got the capacity to do a hell of a lot more than I thought I could if I have the proper motivation."

~ Aron Ralston

go well.

satin curls.

2010-03-11T10:34:00.001-06:00

charlie's hair
has always baffled me.
when she entered this world
and made her way through her first year
she was as bald
(if not more so)
than the day she was born.

as her hair filled out
it didn't come thick locks
as i expected

it came in thin strands
that never did what i wanted them to

and now
as she prepares to enter
her two's
i have finally resigned myself
to accept her hair
and love it.

in fact
i would love
nothing more
than for those curls
to tickle my chin
all day long.

growing pains.

2010-03-05T11:00:00.001-06:00

i struggled
with where to post this.
do i post on pitter pats as it is purely charlie
or do i post here has it is purely my own emotions?
needless to say
blah
won out.

i have often thought about the day
when my little girl
will become a big girl
and fly the nest
in favor of kindergarten
high school
college.
and through that process
(of thinking)
i have wondered how it is
that parents blubber all over themselves
when their children
set out on these new paths
in their educations
and lives.

charlie has been in daycare
since she was four months old.
don't get me wrong
that
was hard.
i had had her all to myself
for four months
spending a majority of that time
in a recliner
with her cradled in my nook
for hours and hours
and to have to part ways with her
and become part of a society again
was like ripping the heart
right out of it's place
in my chest.

but after a few days
i adjusted.
i knew she was safe
happy
engaged
and loved.
so leaving her day after day
has gotten easier over the last 18-some months.
i just knew that i wouldn't be one of those parents
when that time in our lives came.

and then
i found out this morning that
my sweet girl
will be graduating to the '2's room'...

...nearly six months before i had thought she would.

you see
charlie will be two in may
but i had not envisioned her transitioning to a new setting
until i returned to school in august.

they explained to me this morning that
she's 'graduating' early because she is 'too advanced' for the tots room.
so i won't lie
i'm over the moon with pride
we think she's a pretty smart cookie;

she knows her numbers
she knows her colors
she knows all of her animals
and what they say
she can sing all the classics (and few song by jason mraz)
she can say her alphabet (starting at 'L')
and she'd rather read her books
than watch t.v.

and while we work with her on these things at home
i know that so much of it is what they do with her at 'school'

she's just an amazing kid
and i'm pretty sure that has more to do with her
and god
than me.

so i'm thrilled.
and yet...
i'm terrified.

she adores her teachers
'tay-cee' (traci) and 'amby' (amber)
and they are so amazing
and love her so very much
and it scares me to death to think
what if her next teachers don't see just how amazing this kid is?
what if they don't find her quirks adorable?
what if they don't give her that extra squeeze
and kiss her hand when she (purposefully) knocks it against the table?
what if they don't sing with her?
what if they don't understand her when she says
'dow-ma' for 'down' and 'bilk' for 'milk'?

and so
when i got back in the car this morning
i couldn't help but blubber
just a little bit.

sometimes we get bored...

2010-03-03T09:54:00.000-06:00

always sunday funday at our house.

life lessons: be nice.

2010-02-24T18:06:00.002-06:00

i've had life lessons on my mind.
the ones i have learned
the ones i want to teach
my sweet girl.

some of this stems from being a teacher.
day after day
i'm exposed to children
who teach me how to be a better parent.
day after day
i'm exposed to adults
who show me how not to parent teach me how to be a better parent.

leaving school yesterday
on my way to retrieve charlie
it occurred to me;
it is so much easier
to be mean
than it is
to be nice.

some things we have been working on
in our daily interactions with our one-year old are
nice hands
nice words
nice feet.

this is reinforced at daycare with her teachers
and friends
nice hands
nice words
nice feet.

obviously, being nice is something we are trying to model.
it's something i also try to model for my students
as i praise them for work completed
encourage them when work is not completed
gently remind them to get out a pencil (for the fifth time in five minutes)
and pat them on the back when they just don't get it.
this may sound all peachy keen
but i assure you;
it.
is.
hard.
when the student who has done nothing all year
continues to do nothing
doesn't have a pencil
and has no idea what you are talking about
it.
is.
hard.
to pull them aside
pat them on the back
and find something good.

when the student who yells down the hallway
about her latest sexcapade
screams at you for looking at her across the room
and refuses to follow directions
it.
is.
hard.
to smile at her
tell her what a fantastic person she is
and hope that she will find her way.

when the smelly kid
is constantly raising his hand
and emitting a blue fog
from the shirt that hasn't been washed in a week
it.
is.
hard.
to find it within yourself to keep going over
lean over the desk
and help with yet another math problem.

the thing is
my job is to work with this population
but i see the looks
from the other students
i watch as they move just a few inches more away
or roll their eyes when the student passes by
or walk right by without even realizing that a person is standing there.

and i remember being that age
and doing those same things.

i have even come to the realization
that even today
i roll my eyes when certain co-workers approach my room
i cringe at the sound of another's voice
i beat my head in frustration when i have to hear
the same complaints
from the same people
and sometimes
i lose track of my filter.

even now
being nice...
it.
is.
hard.

but now
more than ever
it is crucial that i polish this skill
and practice courtesy
and graciousness.

sweet girl
know this:

the things in life that are the hardest to perform
yield results that far exceed the easy things in life.

being nice...
it.
is.
hard.
but if you succeed
you will leave two someones in far better shape
than you found them.

nice hands.
nice words.
nice feet.
to everyone
all of the time.

all my love, sweet girl.
go well.