om shanti.

as a follow up to yesterday's post on tapas
a quick reflection of my yogic experience last night.
bear in mind that walked into the studio
a little apprehensive
a little anxious
and (i won't lie)
still a little pissed
after my failure to to achieve handstand independently;
after my failure to tap into and use my tapas.

* * *

the day was beautiful.
the sun was out.
the sky was blue.
i walked in
unrolled my mat
and mentally prepared for warriors
chaturangas
and wheel poses.

after many warm up down dogs
and plank poses
we came to a seated position and prepared for practice.
and that was when our instructor began talking
about the fast pace of life
the 'instant-ness' that we have become accustomed to;
instant oatmeal
instant coffee
drive-through windows
microwaves
debit cards
the constant motion we find ourselves in
day after day.

and so
she kidnapped our practice
and introduced us to
yoga nidra.

yoga nidra
or 'yogic sleep'
is part meditation
part relaxation
and altogether blissful.

we began by setting an intention
a seed which we could plant deep in the chakras
and nurture during the nidra
the difference between this intention
and others i have set in the past
is that it is set in the present
and it is set in a positive frame of mind;
instead of saying
'i will be at peace'
or
'i will not be restless'
you frame your intention in the present:
'i am at peace.'
(this was not my intention...i'm keeping that one squandered away in the dirt of my soul for the time being).

the nidra itself is very much like riding a soft wave
between wakefulness and dream;
the whole practice is meant to be one of consciousness
and as i drifted between awareness and
some place else
i became a quiet observer of my dream-like thoughts
and what they meant for me.

* * *

so why do i share this?

what i learned from the yoga nidra
was that we do in fact need to slow down
every so often
and pull those moments of peace into our chaos.
even today
as i quietly cursed the guy that pulled out in front of me
i paused
i reflected
and i thought
stop.
ride the wave.
let this ripple in the day carry you somewhere else.

i don't know where my peace will carry me.
but i'm fairly certain it will take me farther than my chaos.

go well.

tapas.

as an active yogini
one of the actions i've come to embrace
during my practices
is the act of setting an intention.

what does this mean to me...
it means finding something
someone
some aspect
to focus my energy on during my yoga practice.
in some ways
it's like physically praying.

last week during my yoga class
my instructor talked a lot about
tapas
and encouraged us to make that our intention for the duration of the practice
eventually leading to one of these...

in laymen's terms
tapas refers to that
fire in your belly
that passion that drives you
to go further
dig deeper
push harder.

my instructor reminded us of this through three rounds of sun salutations
three rounds of core work
and three rounds of inversions.

my tapas
must have been on hiatus that day
because all i could muster was this.

and there i was
facing a wall
(both literally and figuratively)
putting all my strength into planting myself on the floor
rooting my energy through the palms of my hands
and pulling my navel into my spine
but absent of my tapas.

i wasn't going anywhere.

with beads of sweat littering my forehead
and a defeated spirit
i watched as one after another
my fellow yogis and yoginis
floated into handstand
effortlessly.

my defeat was evident
as my instructor came over and gently coaxed me up the wall.

dammit.
where is my fucking passion?
where is my fucking tapas?

* * *

and so
with my tapas MIA
and my soul in knots over my perceived failure
my yoga mat went untouched this week.

i was pissed.

* * *

so today
(one full week later)
i woke up anticipating yoga class
and wondering what it would bring
(or not bring)
and i came across this via facebook
and baron baptiste:

"how amazing you've been in the past holds no power.  

what are you up to in your future?  

THAT holds energy!"

as i reflect on this
even now
i think back to our accident
and how that changed me
internally and externally

and how
at that time
everyone commented on how strong i was
how strong we were
and how that drove me to do the things the doctors said i may never do again

that challenge
became my tapas.
but...

"how amazing you've been in the past holds no power..."


with all of that behind me
behind us
i don't know how or from where to derive my energy
my drive
my tapas.

leaving me with the second part...

"...what are you up to in your future?"

i want to be up to this.

and so much more.
i can't find my tapas in a moment
especially after the last one has left such a void
but at least i know now
that it all begins with unrolling my mat
and finding the energy in what i want
whatever that may be.

go well.

the year of asanas: foot in mouth pose.

last year i approached the new year in terms of skeins
(a skein, in this instance, referring to loosely wound balls of yarn)
i felt i had so many random bits buried within me
that i needed to pull out
and create something whole
(no matter the color or weight)
i worked on it
on all of it
and had some successes
but there were definitely missed stitches as well.

this year
as i head full force into what lies ahead
i have decided to approach 2011 in terms of asanas
(asanas, in this instance, referring to yoga poses).

i decided to use the term
because of something my yoga teacher had challenged us with
a couple of months ago;
she asked us to come up with a goal pose
a pose we wanted to achieve at some point
and to make that our own intention for our practices
both in and out of the studio.

you see
a new year to me is not about resolutions;
that would require resolve
something i rarely have.

however
a new year inevitably brings with it
hope
ambition
determination
a chance to embrace change
and each of these attributes i find in my yoga practice.

so this year
i'm speaking in asanas.

foot in mouth pose or shutupasana.

who takes you seriously when you look like this?

we are all capable of this pose

in fact many if not all of us have practiced this pose on more than one occasion.

you may be familiar with the effects it has on you mentally 

rather than physically (although depending on your depth in the pose

you may have more physical side effects than some).

this is a pose i have found myself on more than one occasion

in the last month

in the last year

times when i have let my mouth

get ahead of my brain

and then at the end of the day

laid in bed

wide awake

stewing over what i had said

what i should have said

and when i should have just shut the hell up.

so my intention

for the new year

is to come out of this pose

to stop talking before i even begin

and instead listen

learn

observe

and then give myself plenty of time to form a response.

"I am burdened with what the Buddhists call the 'monkey mind' -- the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl." ~Elizabeth Gilbert

what asanas are you working on this year?

go well.

number 25 results in numbers 2, 21 and 24.

life keeps reminding me of these.
this one has been especially noticeable as of late:

25. i am easily prone to distraction, procrastination and overstimulation.

recently, a string of choices has left me with
little to no time for myself.
my choices.
choices like working out into bedtime
and spending waking hours playing with my girl
and taking weekend trips
or making weekend plans.

some of these have been necessary...
some less necessary.
regardless of the necessity
though
it has left me searching for

2. create moments of connection within yourself

while loading groceries into the car
during the 90 second drive from daycare to school
and moments like these
in my darkened classroom.

this is not nearly enough time for a girl
who suffers
from number 25.

in fact
it typically leads to a lack of

21. it is essential to find something positive in each person you encounter 

and

24. i am a better version of myself when i get to be alone with myself for awhile.

so.
last night in yoga
our intention for the evening
was goals.

now
my teacher intended for this to be a time
for us to set yogic goals for ourselves;
a pose we have yet to master
(crane, king pigeon, independent handstands)
or something else related to yoga
(practicing without pain)

and while i do have one many poses
i want very desperately to master
my 'goal'
went beyond asanas.

my goal
is to be
a better yogi
internally.
my goal
is to radiate
optimism and positivity
my goal
is to live a life
by example
and radiate
enthusiasm
happiness
and openness.

but number 25 results in a lack of numbers 2, 21 and 24.

so.
i guess i have to start small
and say
that my goal
is to eliminate
the distraction
the procrastination
and the overstimulation
that come with
number 25
so that i can practice
number 2
number 21
number 24.

and then
maybe i'll float into bakasana
and ultimately
tittibhasana.

go well.

number 8.

in my previous post
i discussed 30 of my life lessons
as a way of stepping into
my 30th year.

one of the lessons though
that i feel very strongly about
was number
8.

yoga heals.

i have spoken about yoga
in previous posts
but as i was going through photos recently
i realized just how much
yoga has impacted my life
especially since the accident.

but let's go back
for a moment
if you'll bear with me
so that i can take you
to the root of this passion
and the beginning of this lesson.

* * *

i was not a 'sporty' kid.
i was a band geek.
i was a show choir freak.
i was a national honor society kid.

'physical' was a noun
not a verb.
i made sure that i loaded up on classes
so that i could opt out of PE my
sophomore
junior
and senior year.

when i entered college
my lack of physical activity
led to the freshman 15...20...25.
i smoked.
i drank.
i ate a lot of peanut butter straight from the jar
and a 'healthy meal' usually came from subway
or the campus salad bar (complete with chik-fil-a).
the most activity i got
was the time i spent walking from my dorm or car
to class.

* * *

i remember my discovery of yoga.
i was up early one day
cramming in a last minute paper
while chain smoking my marlboros
and channel surfing
when i stumbled upon
steve ross' inhale
bob marley playing the background
everyone smiling
moving
sweating
and i thought to myself
'i could totally do this'.

and so it became a part of my morning routine
to rise
light some candles
and yoga it up
with steve and company.

and so it was
at that point
that yoga
grabbed hold of my soul.

* * *

four years later
after becoming tired of practicing my yoga
in front of the television
i decided to search for a studio
to enrich my experience.

there was a part of me
that worried i had been doing it
all wrong
all these years.

i stumbled upon fusion
local
hip
open to all levels

and so i stepped out of my box
and into a studio
where marsha
took my love of yoga
and blew it up into a passion.

* * *

fast forward.
34 weeks pregnant.
broken.
practicing recliner style yoga
with one leg.
i remember being so afraid
that this was the end of my yogic journey.

* * *

in august 2008
six months post-accident
four months postpartum
a flier from my mother
led me to OHM
and to nancy
and to my mat.

as i looked at pictures of that time
i am remembering just how difficult it was...

my knees no longer bent
and standing up was a battle
i remember taking that picture
of my punkin
on the pumpkin
and afterward
having to hand her to bill
so that i could brace myself
and pull myself upright
with my arms.

in yoga class
i could not perform simple poses
that had once come so easily.
i still maintained a great deal of flexibility
but i became frustrated with my body's
inability to cooperate.

but
i
did
not
stop.

* * *

two years
and many yoga classes
later
i have found my inner yogi once again
and embraced her like a long-lost friend

i have balance.
i have energy.
i have improved perspective.
i have improved mobility.

i can bend my knees.
i can stand on one foot.

 i can put my right leg behind my head.
i can find peace in poses
that once caused discomfort.

i can bend low to the ground
with my girl
and raise myself up
on two legs
without anything
or anyone to hold onto.

yoga has taught me
more about me
than i ever realized could be learned
in the space created
during savasana

yoga heals.

and not just physically
but mentally
and spiritually.

* * *

so thank you
steve ross
john friend
marsha nieland
and
nancy bright
for being my teachers
my gurus
for truly your teachings brought me out of
the darkness of ignorance
into the light of knowledge.

my yogic journey
is a never ending
constantly evolving
trek
and i am so thankful
i get to experience it.

namaste
and
go well.