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mommy. wife. teacher. yogini. writer. coffee drinker. aunt. crocheter. reader. dog lover. scattered. methodical. rational. irrational. paranoid. annoyed. lost. found. content. searching. peaceful. i am constantly in search of my story. the one i have never happened. the one i've lived i cannot write.

29 December 2009

approaching the new year: skein one.

i find new year resolutions to be meaningless
yet i find myself year after year committing to a menagerie of goals
and then trying to piece them all together.
as we approach a new decade
(i was born in '80, so for me it is truly a new decade)
and i face the ominous '30'
i dig into my knitting bag of spontaneous blah
(i knit...this metaphor works for me)
and hope to piece together a more complete me
made from all the random skeins i find in there.

i love this.

taken from body+soul, december 2009.
page 52

'silence is golden'
by alyssa giacobbe

ever since i was a child, i've preferred silence to speech, carefully chosen words to banter. i wasn't lazy, or even particularly shy. i just didn't feel the need to speak unless i had something to say.

but being quiet isn't tolerated in our society. it's perceived, at turns, as curious, off-putting, rude; the speechless person as cold, boring, dumb. people don't get it. and so i learned early on that in order to forge relationships-- and forge ahead in my career -- i'd have to learn the art of chitchat. (even though, to me, it usually feels like the art of filling space.) so in general, i chatter along with the best of them, striking up conversations in supermarket lines, at the vet, even in the library. this is what people do, i tell myself, thought it makes me feel frazzled and tired.

i couldn't have said it better myself.
i don't know how many times i've been perceived as the 'bitchy' one because of what i don't say
i don't know how many times i've sent friends and co-workers away scratching their heads because they think they've done something wrong
i don't know how many times i've heard my poor husband say, 'are you all right? you're so quiet...'

what is it about being quiet that we (as a society) deem wrong?
why do we feel mindless chatter is necessary to building and maintaining relationships?
why is it necessary to kick a horse over and over again when it is so obviously dead?

i am a quiet person by nature
much like the author
and find chitchat a waste of breath

i find myself engaging in it day after day
and for what?
i gain nothing from it.
in fact
i usually come away from it feeling like more of my soul has been hacked away at by the mundane.
maybe that's a bit dramatic
but that's exactly what the chatter does: it opens a door for the dramatic.

as i steer towards a new year
i am going to make a more conscious effort to be quiet
and listen to me
the world around me
and the people that are closest to me.
i refuse to let the chatter
drown out my life.

what skeins are you pulling from your bag this year?

go well.

1 comment:

Cam Yuen said...

My mother told me that we are born with two ears and only one mouth. But beyond this, I've always been more of a listener and observer. The anti-social label was once insulting...maybe high school...but now I just embrace it...thanks for sharing your personal goals.

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