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mommy. wife. teacher. yogini. writer. coffee drinker. aunt. crocheter. reader. dog lover. scattered. methodical. rational. irrational. paranoid. annoyed. lost. found. content. searching. peaceful. i am constantly in search of my story. the one i have never happened. the one i've lived i cannot write.

28 December 2007


again, i cannot sing the praises of elizabeth gilbert's book, "eat, pray, love" loud or long enough. it has been some time since a living author made me think and question my inner self the way she has in just the last few days.

the basis of the book is a chronicling of a year that ms. gilbert spends traveling the world (italy, india and indonesia, to be precise.) in each of these countries, she discovers something about herself. i am currently traveling with her through italy in her pursuit of pleasure.

one of the questions she poses to herself before her journey begins is simple and yet extremely profound:

what do you want?

as i read this, i posed the question to myself and was shocked when i came to the conclusion...

i have no fucking clue.

so often in my life, i spend more of my time determining what i don't want.

i don't want to become one of those women.
i don't want to be a round peg in a round hole.
i don't want to conform to what society expects of me.
i don't want to buy into 21st century advertising.
i don't want my life to be controlled by my credit score and how much i possess.
i don't want blonde hair.
i don't want fake boobs.
i don't want
i don't want
i don't want...

what i do want is to know what i want.

however, i believe i have let the 'don't wants' clutter my mind and dictate my actions so much so that now i have to dig my way to my desires.

so i suppose it is time to clear the clutter.
clearing clutter usually means having to sacrifice things.
i remember my mother forcing my sister and i to go through our menagerie of stuffed animals and weed out those that we no longer played with. this was never an easy task for me, for i had a fondness for each and everyone, despite the fact that over half were buried in large rubbermaid bins in the basement.
i have always struggled with sacrificing objects, food, people, time, money, vices in order to pave the way for a fresh start. yet i find that i have, once again, let my menagerie identify me and hide that which i really want.

i know that i want to know what i want.
so clear the clutter i will.
so begins the sacrifice...

"One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love, and to long life." - Alexander A. Bogomeoletz
go well.

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