the year of asanas: makingtimeformeasana.

i am a self-admitted martyr.
i enjoy choose to take on lots of responsibilities
usually all at once
and then wonder why
i blow up
i lose my temper
i bitch and moan
i allow negative energy to fill the empty spaces
and i explode.

i'm not always a fun person to be around under these conditions.
i think taking all of this on gives me a false sense of importance.
but it also prevents me from being the best
teacher
mom
wife
daughter
sister
self
that i know i am capable of.

the thing is
i wrestle with an extreme amount of guilt
when i DON'T take on more
students
household duties
volunteer activities
art projects
and so ultimately
i sacrifice my 'me' time to make room for 'everyone else's' time.

new rule...

the letting go pose or makingtimeformeasana.

i have a few passions;

yarn
yoga
coffee
good books

and then i have a few things that i enjoy but never get time to enjoy;

scrapbooking
baths
extra yoga classes
massages
painting my toenails
painting my house
flipping through reading my periodicals

and this year
by golly
i'm going to stop filling the spaces with mundane and start filling them with passion
i'm going to turn the other eye on the laundry some saturday
i'm going to forego the treadmill in favor of bubbles
i'm going to drink more wine because i like the way it tastes
(and not because i need it to put me out for the night)
i'm going to demand more adult dinners with my guy
i'm going to let my kid watch a movie on a saturday afternoon and not feel guilty about it so i can scrapbook
i'm going to buy the expensive coffee and not fret over the extra $2
i'm going to kiss my girl and my guy good-bye and take a SECOND yoga class some week
i'm going to crochet the hell out of some yarn
i'm going to paint my toenails just because and not because i have parent teacher conferences

i'm going to do a better job of making time for that girl i remember
and i'm going to do it without feeling bad.

"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions." ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

go well.

the year of asanas: grudgemasterasana.

my previous asanas have been, for the most part, things i need to improve on in this new year.

but this one is going to be the hardest pose to master 

because it requires using muscles i haven't used in a very very long time.

the forgiveness pose or grudgemasterasana.

one of my biggest, self-admitted faults is that i am a true master of holding grudges.

it matters not who has wronged me;

i hold on to the strands of resentment

anger

sadness

betrayal

that comes with having been done wrong

i hold onto those strands until they are threadbare

and then i take what is left and shove them in my pocket.

this has introduced a lot of negative energy into my world over the years

has caused me to say things and do things 

that completely go against all that i believe and believe should be

and only leaves me feeling tangled

this is going to be an asana years in the making.

but i recognize that it is something i need to work on

to get better at

because forgiveness is the ultimate

gift

and i have 

(on more than one occasion)

sought it out for myself. 

i cannot expect to be forgiven for my misgivings and faults

if i do not grant that same grace to others.

"The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." ~ Gandhi

go well.

the year of asanas: the cramped fingers pose.

yesterday, while scanning various facebook updates
i came across one of my friends who had posted the following:

Pay it Forward 2011:
I promise to send something handmade to the people who leave a comment here.  They must, in turn, post this and send something they make to people who comment on their status.  The rules are that it must be handmade by you and it must be sent to your people sometime in 2011.  I'll contact you for an address.

love this.
so
like anyone in search of their creative muse
i commented
and reposted.

and then
i decided to take it a step further...

the cramped fingers pose or looseendsasana.

here

in my corner of the wires

i am paying it forward

and promising that

if you leave me a comment

and a way to contact you

i will

this year

make you something with my own two hands.

it will probably involve yarn...

be you an old friend

a new friend

an estranged friend

or complete stranger

i vow that i will put the same amount of time

attention

love

and prayer

into each item i produce.

the key is

you must 

in your own way

do the same to pay it forward;

post this to twitter

facebook

your blog

or

make a batch of cookies for the widow down the way.

hand draw a card for the co-worker that's had a shit week.

knit booties for that baby that's nearly here.

throw together a basket of items to help get your boss through the week

(be sure to include m&m's!)

no matter how you do it

do it.

cramp your fingers.

go well.

You must give some time to your fellow men. Even if it's a little thing, do something for others - something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it. ~Albert Schweitzer

the year of asanas: tighteningyourbeltasana.

this year
as i head full force into what lies ahead
i have decided to approach 2011 in terms of asanas
(asanas, in this instance, referring to yoga poses).

the discipline pose or tighteningyourbeltasana.

i have 

in the past 

talked about my struggles with weight - 

hell, i even started a blog to document all my challenges with weight 

(you'll notice an obvious lack of posting on that blog...)

as i began to think about the coming year

and all i hope to achieve in it

weight

and weight loss

were an obvious 

and recurring

goal

ambition

whatever.

but the more i thought about it

the more i realized that my goal is not necessarily to lose weight

my goal

is to be more disciplined in all areas of my life.

i am a victim of society, the media

and my own lack of discipline.

okay

mostly just my own lack of discipline.

i eat

when i'm not hungry.

i buy

when i need nothing.

i cave 

every time i see that starbucks siren.

and as a result...

i fight with body image

usually following several desserts 

i struggle with chest pains 

every time my account dips below a certain balance

and i combat the hopelessness that consumes me

when i think ahead to my future

physically

financially.

so 

i'm tightening my belt

not only financially but

i hope

physically as well

and i'm doing this for two reasons...

...because i can't wait to get back here...

...and my girl.  because i don't want her grappling with the same insecurities i do.

so i vow...

the next time i'm at the store

i stick to my list.

“People had more than they needed, people didn’t know what was precious and what wasn’t, people threw away things they kill each other for now.” ~ Eli from "The Book of Eli"

go well.

the year of asanas: foot in mouth pose.

last year i approached the new year in terms of skeins
(a skein, in this instance, referring to loosely wound balls of yarn)
i felt i had so many random bits buried within me
that i needed to pull out
and create something whole
(no matter the color or weight)
i worked on it
on all of it
and had some successes
but there were definitely missed stitches as well.

this year
as i head full force into what lies ahead
i have decided to approach 2011 in terms of asanas
(asanas, in this instance, referring to yoga poses).

i decided to use the term
because of something my yoga teacher had challenged us with
a couple of months ago;
she asked us to come up with a goal pose
a pose we wanted to achieve at some point
and to make that our own intention for our practices
both in and out of the studio.

you see
a new year to me is not about resolutions;
that would require resolve
something i rarely have.

however
a new year inevitably brings with it
hope
ambition
determination
a chance to embrace change
and each of these attributes i find in my yoga practice.

so this year
i'm speaking in asanas.

foot in mouth pose or shutupasana.

who takes you seriously when you look like this?

we are all capable of this pose

in fact many if not all of us have practiced this pose on more than one occasion.

you may be familiar with the effects it has on you mentally 

rather than physically (although depending on your depth in the pose

you may have more physical side effects than some).

this is a pose i have found myself on more than one occasion

in the last month

in the last year

times when i have let my mouth

get ahead of my brain

and then at the end of the day

laid in bed

wide awake

stewing over what i had said

what i should have said

and when i should have just shut the hell up.

so my intention

for the new year

is to come out of this pose

to stop talking before i even begin

and instead listen

learn

observe

and then give myself plenty of time to form a response.

"I am burdened with what the Buddhists call the 'monkey mind' -- the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl." ~Elizabeth Gilbert

what asanas are you working on this year?

go well.