best good girl.

my bug.
my love.
my best good girl.

it's true what they say;
having children is an experience one cannot find words for.
somehow
i turned around for a moment
and in that instant
two years have passed.
everyday i love you more and more
than the day before
and everyday you change
and grow.

when i hold you in my arms in the evenings
and look down at your legs dangling over the arm of the chair
i can't quite place in my mind
when you got so big.
when i look at your beautiful face
peaceful and sleepy
after a day of giggles and squeals
i cannot remember what i did
before you changed my life.

i have moments of anxiety
as a mother
as your mother
that i will never be able to teach you all that i want
show you all that i want
give to you all that i want
but i promise you that i will make the most of every opportunity i am given
and this is one.

as you enter toddlerhood
i think it only fair to share with you
all that you do
and say
that make your daddy's life
and mine
the adventure that it has become
since you entered them.

• you are busy.  you run. you walk.  you rarely let us hold you or carry you.  you despise your stroller and make sure i know it.  you keep up with me when i jog stiffly through papa's pasture or down the trail.  you throw your head back and laugh at the sky as you propel yourself forward through life.
• you are in a constant state of chatter.  the things you say each and every day amaze me.  just the other day, driving down the road you shouted, "mama!  daddy!  look!  purple lilacs!"  and sure enough, there by the roadside were rows and rows of purple lilac bushes.  
• we frequent starbucks together.  you get the vanilla milk, i get the vanilla latte.  when we pull into the parking lot, you clap and scream 'MILK!!' (this does not thrill your daddy).
• in addition to your chatter come a few choice phrases: "go way, mama" and "stop it, daddy." are two we hear more than we would like.  however, when you say, "i sorry, mama." or "'scuse me, daddy."  you make up for it.
• you are a great cousin, we have found.  you are so gentle with ella and it is so special to get to watch you kiss her gently on the head and whisper to her as you 'hold' her.
• you love to build things and tear them down.  you head straight for you building blocks when we get home and shout over your shoulder, "come on, mama.  build house."  your daddy is far more creative with lego architecture than me and the two of you produce great skyscrapers made of red, blue, yellow and green.
• you are quite the little artist.  you love to color and paint and i have to keep a stash of paper and colored pencils in my purse at all times...just in case.
• you love to sing.  most mornings it is what i wake up to.  'old macdonald', 'ABCs', 'twinkle, twinkle' and 'row, row' are just a few of your favorites.  i love to lie in bed and listen to the rise and falls in your voice as you serenade your stuffed animals.  you also enjoy listening to music and i make sure you have a good supply of it on the tiny iPod (that once was lost and now is yours).  you especially love jason mraz (and i was secretly thrilled when you picked up a jimi hendrix CD at the store just last week).
• i'm proud to say you've discovered the toilet and how to use it (someday you'll hate me for posting this for all the world to see but i don't care.)  you are not consistent, but every time you succeed, there is great applause!  you manage to use the facilities at least once a day, sometimes more when given the opportunity.  you find flushing to be quite humorous and rewarding.
• you love your dogs, despite your constant scolding them.  and they love you, if even from a safe distance! 
• you are such a reader.  you enjoy books so very much and thrills me to no end to watch you pull book after book out and ask your daddy or me to read it.  you have mastered so many books already and often times will 'read' them to us.  it is the one thing i have no problem buying you more of time and time again.
• you don't mind getting dirty and i have resolved to buy only tee-shirts and jeans for you from now on.
• you are an outdoor kid to be sure.  you love being outside in any way you can be; whether out for a jog on the trail or picking up dog poop...it makes no difference to you.  i love watching you take in the air and the sun and the grass and the sky.  i dread having to pull you away from the playground when i come to retrieve you in the afternoons.  
• you love chocolate milk.  
• you are fiercely independent.  i like to think you got that from me.
• you are fiercely stubborn.  pretty sure you got that from your daddy.
• you know the difference between a motorcycle, car, airplane and helicopter.  we are still working on the fact that not every truck is a 'garbage' truck, though.
• you are and always be, the best thing we ever did.  you are a gentle soul with a fierce spirit and more than either one of us could have ever dreamed of.  i love you to the moon and back, my girl.  

more stitches for my sweet girl.

my sweet girl.my charlie bug -

as your daddy and i work to prepare for our upcoming honeymoon
i find my mind floating;
do i have enough reading material?
do i have the right knitting needles for the airplane?
did i buy deodorant?
did daddy pay the life insurance?
do i have enough groceries for you?
do i have your duck, your horse, your books, your stoppers, your clothes, your bottles...

...do i have your blanket?
it may have taken me two years to finish
but it was two years of love
two years of 'just right'
two years full of prayer
two years full of hope
two years full of thanks.
this blanket
my first
is stitched with more love
and more life
than anything else i have ever made
or will ever make again.
much like the way you were made.

there are some things i must tell you
before i walk onto that plane.
things i feel you need to know
just in case.
because i have learned
in this life
that the 'just in cases'
can happen.
do happen.
even when you think they won't happen to you.

first.
know that your daddy and i love you more than anything.
we have loved you
since you danced in my belly
and love you more and more
every day
as you dance around our lives.
your smile
your giggle
your tears
your sleeping breaths.
i love you
we love you
more than words.

secondly.
we have incredible dreams for you
and hope
that as you grow
you will develop and fulfill your own incredible dreams.
learn.
read.
explore.
take risks.
try new things.
play in the dirt.
help things grow.
help people grow.
be passionate about something.
a cause.
a person.
a job.
find passion in everything you do.
exercise your mind.
exercise your body.
always go the extra step.
push yourself just little bit more.
you are the strongest person i know.
find that.
make mistakes.
know god.
know love.
feed your soul.
travel.
but always remember home.
hold tight to those that love you.
grow.
grow.
grow.

lastly.
i hope
you will always keep your daddy and i close.
when i look at you
as i rock you to sleep
night after night
i am painfully aware that there will come a time
when rocking you will be out of the question
when snuggling with you will be faux pas
when holding you will no longer be an option.
and so i savor these moments with you
and hope that someday
you will understand them
and know that no matter what
you will never be too big to fit inside your daddy's nook
or the folds of my arms.

i have no doubt that something will be forgotten on this upcoming journey
but i didn't want to forget this
and i wanted you to know...

...just to know.
i love you forever and always.
more than words.

go well, sweet girl.
count the stitches until we get home.
we'll see you when we land.


my love
my heart.
~mommy~

stitches for my sweet girl.

when your daddy and i found out that i was pregnant, the first thing i wanted to do was run to the bookstore and find the nicest, biggest journal i could find so that could document every moment of this journey.

with your daddy's help, i picked out a large, plain, brown leather, hardback book with the word "JOURNAL" neatly embossed on the cover. it had hundreds of empty pages just waiting to be filled with the details of your growth.

i set to work immediately recording the reactions of your daddy and other family to the news of your impending arrival. i pasted "You're Expecting" cards in the pages and reserved other pages for your first baby pictures.

i was certain that i would document every moment over the course of the next eight months.

i didn't anticipate the lethargy that crept in in week eight of the pregnancy.

my lack of anticipation to the way my body would react to this pregnancy led to many empty pages and before i knew it, it was november and i had missed key moments in your development. the journal quietly got filed into a dresser along with my intentions.

i have thought about that journal often in the last few weeks and months, sitting idly in a dresser in a room in a home that is no longer the house we live in. you see, my sweet girl, despite all our best intentions and efforts, sometimes life steers us down another road. that is exactly what happened on easter morning. when your daddy and i were sent careening down that embankment, our lives - your life - changed course in an instant.

i have had a great deal of time to think in the last three plus weeks. most of my thinking comes between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 in the morning when my leg wakes me up and i can't get back to sleep. i suppose the pain is a means of preparing me for those times when you will wake me to be fed or changed or loved.

lying in bed, i often work on the baby blanket i started for you nearly eight months ago. i started the blanket to assist me in my efforts to quit smoking once i found out you were on your way. fortunately for me, you took care of my cravings and quitting was easy. and so, like the journal, the blanket became neglected. however, the pain in my leg necessitates something that requires minimal thought and lots of attention, so i am hopeful (once again) to have the blanket completed before you arrive.

and with every stitch, i think.
with every stitch, i pray.
with every stitch, i anticipate your arrival.

last night, as i stitched for you, i decided i wanted to make up for all those empty pages. the journal still sits in the dresser, but i have this small window to the world, this little corner in the wires and decided that not only would i use this to whisper to you, but i would share this with all of those people who have been praying for you alongside your daddy and me.

so begins a series of letters for you, my sweet girl.
each one of them has already been stitched into your blanket.