the year of asanas: the cramped fingers pose.

yesterday, while scanning various facebook updates
i came across one of my friends who had posted the following:

Pay it Forward 2011:
I promise to send something handmade to the people who leave a comment here.  They must, in turn, post this and send something they make to people who comment on their status.  The rules are that it must be handmade by you and it must be sent to your people sometime in 2011.  I'll contact you for an address.

love this.
so
like anyone in search of their creative muse
i commented
and reposted.

and then
i decided to take it a step further...

the cramped fingers pose or looseendsasana.

here

in my corner of the wires

i am paying it forward

and promising that

if you leave me a comment

and a way to contact you

i will

this year

make you something with my own two hands.

it will probably involve yarn...

be you an old friend

a new friend

an estranged friend

or complete stranger

i vow that i will put the same amount of time

attention

love

and prayer

into each item i produce.

the key is

you must 

in your own way

do the same to pay it forward;

post this to twitter

facebook

your blog

or

make a batch of cookies for the widow down the way.

hand draw a card for the co-worker that's had a shit week.

knit booties for that baby that's nearly here.

throw together a basket of items to help get your boss through the week

(be sure to include m&m's!)

no matter how you do it

do it.

cramp your fingers.

go well.

You must give some time to your fellow men. Even if it's a little thing, do something for others - something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it. ~Albert Schweitzer

strings of thankfulness.

i am thankful for yarn.

here's why.

after receiving word
from my dear friend yesterday
that she would be starting a new adventure
and leaving the cornfields behind
i began to think about the ties
that brought us together
and have kept us tethered to the ground
in times of frustration;
those tethers
are made up
of yarn.

this got me thinking
about how my affair with yarn
began.

years
and
years
ago...

my great-aunt liz
who is always a riot to be around
came to visit us out west
and brought with her
crochet hooks
and yarn.

and i was
no pun intended
hooked.

i made several simple bookmarks
and could barely turn a chain
but i enjoyed the activity
and asked for my own hooks
and yarn
which my parents obliged me with.

and then
like kids do
i lost interest.

it wasn't until a few years ago
that i rekindled my relationship
with yarn.

i had decided to pick up crocheting again
as a means of trying to quit
smoking.
at the time
i wasn't very successful
but did manage to turn out several scarves
that year.

following christmas that year
my interest waned again
and the bag of yarn was tucked into a closet
along with a plethora of hooks.

it wasn't until the fall
of 2007
that i rediscovered my stash
purposefully
this time with more of a drive to quit smoking
and with a final project in mind:
my first blanket
a baby blanket
for my best girl.

i remember picking a shade of green
that reminded me of a color i had seen
in the yoga studio where i took classes
and i set to work
busying my hands each night
with the daunting task
of creating something for my girl.

but as first trimester sleepiness set in
the yarn got tucked under the couch
and eventually back in the closet
and then found its way into a box
that was moved to my parents' house
as we prepared to sell our own.

and then...

it was a pain i remember well

and even though time was blurred

by drugs

and sleep

i remember being restless

and stuck.

about a week after the accident

after returning home with my parents

and after several nights of waking up 

and watching the clock

waiting for the second hand to reach the three

so i could take another percocet

my mom

ventured to their basement

to dig through our boxes

and find my yarn.

and my love for yarn

was blown up entirely

as it saved me from the pain.

last year

i decided i wanted to take on 

more

with yarn

and i asked my dear friend 

to show me the way 

of the knitting needles.

and i made my second blanket

for sweet ella mary.

so why

you may ask

am i thankful for yarn today?

because today i am remembering how it has tied me to a dear friend.

because today i am remembering how it pulled me out of bad habits.

because today i am remembering how it saved me from the pain.

because today i started a new scarf...and a new blanket...for my girl.

because today i have hope that someday i will make more than scarves and baby blankets.

because today i am hopeful that i will one day be able to share it with my girl.

today

i am thankful for yarn.

go well.

more stitches for my sweet girl.

my sweet girl.my charlie bug -

as your daddy and i work to prepare for our upcoming honeymoon
i find my mind floating;
do i have enough reading material?
do i have the right knitting needles for the airplane?
did i buy deodorant?
did daddy pay the life insurance?
do i have enough groceries for you?
do i have your duck, your horse, your books, your stoppers, your clothes, your bottles...

...do i have your blanket?
it may have taken me two years to finish
but it was two years of love
two years of 'just right'
two years full of prayer
two years full of hope
two years full of thanks.
this blanket
my first
is stitched with more love
and more life
than anything else i have ever made
or will ever make again.
much like the way you were made.

there are some things i must tell you
before i walk onto that plane.
things i feel you need to know
just in case.
because i have learned
in this life
that the 'just in cases'
can happen.
do happen.
even when you think they won't happen to you.

first.
know that your daddy and i love you more than anything.
we have loved you
since you danced in my belly
and love you more and more
every day
as you dance around our lives.
your smile
your giggle
your tears
your sleeping breaths.
i love you
we love you
more than words.

secondly.
we have incredible dreams for you
and hope
that as you grow
you will develop and fulfill your own incredible dreams.
learn.
read.
explore.
take risks.
try new things.
play in the dirt.
help things grow.
help people grow.
be passionate about something.
a cause.
a person.
a job.
find passion in everything you do.
exercise your mind.
exercise your body.
always go the extra step.
push yourself just little bit more.
you are the strongest person i know.
find that.
make mistakes.
know god.
know love.
feed your soul.
travel.
but always remember home.
hold tight to those that love you.
grow.
grow.
grow.

lastly.
i hope
you will always keep your daddy and i close.
when i look at you
as i rock you to sleep
night after night
i am painfully aware that there will come a time
when rocking you will be out of the question
when snuggling with you will be faux pas
when holding you will no longer be an option.
and so i savor these moments with you
and hope that someday
you will understand them
and know that no matter what
you will never be too big to fit inside your daddy's nook
or the folds of my arms.

i have no doubt that something will be forgotten on this upcoming journey
but i didn't want to forget this
and i wanted you to know...

...just to know.
i love you forever and always.
more than words.

go well, sweet girl.
count the stitches until we get home.
we'll see you when we land.


my love
my heart.
~mommy~

stitches for my sweet girl.

when your daddy and i found out that i was pregnant, the first thing i wanted to do was run to the bookstore and find the nicest, biggest journal i could find so that could document every moment of this journey.

with your daddy's help, i picked out a large, plain, brown leather, hardback book with the word "JOURNAL" neatly embossed on the cover. it had hundreds of empty pages just waiting to be filled with the details of your growth.

i set to work immediately recording the reactions of your daddy and other family to the news of your impending arrival. i pasted "You're Expecting" cards in the pages and reserved other pages for your first baby pictures.

i was certain that i would document every moment over the course of the next eight months.

i didn't anticipate the lethargy that crept in in week eight of the pregnancy.

my lack of anticipation to the way my body would react to this pregnancy led to many empty pages and before i knew it, it was november and i had missed key moments in your development. the journal quietly got filed into a dresser along with my intentions.

i have thought about that journal often in the last few weeks and months, sitting idly in a dresser in a room in a home that is no longer the house we live in. you see, my sweet girl, despite all our best intentions and efforts, sometimes life steers us down another road. that is exactly what happened on easter morning. when your daddy and i were sent careening down that embankment, our lives - your life - changed course in an instant.

i have had a great deal of time to think in the last three plus weeks. most of my thinking comes between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 in the morning when my leg wakes me up and i can't get back to sleep. i suppose the pain is a means of preparing me for those times when you will wake me to be fed or changed or loved.

lying in bed, i often work on the baby blanket i started for you nearly eight months ago. i started the blanket to assist me in my efforts to quit smoking once i found out you were on your way. fortunately for me, you took care of my cravings and quitting was easy. and so, like the journal, the blanket became neglected. however, the pain in my leg necessitates something that requires minimal thought and lots of attention, so i am hopeful (once again) to have the blanket completed before you arrive.

and with every stitch, i think.
with every stitch, i pray.
with every stitch, i anticipate your arrival.

last night, as i stitched for you, i decided i wanted to make up for all those empty pages. the journal still sits in the dresser, but i have this small window to the world, this little corner in the wires and decided that not only would i use this to whisper to you, but i would share this with all of those people who have been praying for you alongside your daddy and me.

so begins a series of letters for you, my sweet girl.
each one of them has already been stitched into your blanket.