from bean to sprout.

as i snapped a picture this morning
to document what week 39 looks like
i thought it might be fun
to take a look back at the course of the last
270-ish days.

without realizing it...one week into the journey.

7-ish weeks.

12-ish weeks.

15-ish weeks.

18-ish weeks.

20-ish weeks.

31 weeks.

34 weeks.

today.  not my most flattering, but very representative of where i am at at 39 weeks.

it truly is amazing to see
how my body has morphed
even in just the last eight weeks.
and even more laughable
to remember how frustrated i was
snapping that first picture of myself
at seven weeks
and thinking how i was already 'showing'.
oh to have that seven week body back again...

she is definitely growing
and changing
and moving
and
i hope
ready to come out and meet us face to face.
we have spent a lot of time walking
and dancing
and cleaning bathrooms in recent days
and i have given up on being sensible
and given into my flip-flops
(proving once and for all that you can wear flip-flops
in february
in iowa).

come out, come out
sweet sprout...

soundtrack.

just for fun.
and because i didn't have a chance to do this when our bug arrived.
the soundtrack
i hope
will carry me through
sprout's entrance into the world.

very different from the soundtrack i use to 

pound my feet against pavement

or entertain bug in the car

or listen to in the evenings while my guy beats his drums and bug twirls around in our basement.

music has always brought me solace

sometimes more than silence.

i'm only glad sprout has held on long enough for me to get my library arranged

and my iPod ready.

with her blanket nearly finished...

i'm feeling nearly ready.

go well.

38 weeks...on the brink of being four.

i have been putting off posting for awhile
because i had hoped to have updated photos to post
in addition to words
but time keeps slipping away
and i wanted to document
at least one more missive in this journey
that is nearing an end
with or without photos.
pictures will come
lots of them
so for now...

current gestation: 38 weeks today.
weight gain to date: as of this morning, 38 pounds.
complaints: okay, i get it now.  third trimester sucks.  the circumstances surrounding my first pregnancy were very different as i spent the last six weeks of that pregnancy in a seated position under the influence of many pain killers.  this time around, i am having to be a 'normal' pregnant chick, complete with full days of work, followed by chasing around a very independent and busy little girl followed by dinners and baths and bedtime stories.  and while i'm not complaining about any of that, i had no idea just how difficult it would be to juggle day to day business with a watermelon residing inside of me.  i am officially peeing every 30 minutes (and seem to be wasting a great deal of toilet paper in the process) due to sprout's decision to use my bladder as her own personal punching bag.  minor (albeit sporadic) contractions and cramping have only added to the fun.
non-complaints: i still love watching her dance across my abdomen and have recently taken a lot of joy in her choice to curl up in a ball and reside on the right side of my abdomen.  to the onlooker, it is a strange thing to see, but i love resting my hand on top of her backside and feel her respond by rocking back and forth.  i am so anxious to wrap that little backside up in a blanket and breathe it in.
activities: i've slowed down significantly, but am still taking advantage of the mild winter and enjoying trips to the trail with bug and dog in tow.  oz has really learned to love walking since sammy's passing and now sits by the garage door and whines anytime one of us walks out.  bug acquired a new balance bike from daddy over the weekend (a gift, he claims, was because she is to be a big sister) and insists on taking it for a spin daily.  so we have enjoyed the mild days and longer daylight and hit the trail several times in the last few weeks.  i've been mapping out in my mind how these outings will look with the addition of a jogging stroller to our entourage...
cravings:  i've been on a chocolate kick as a result of it being girl scout/valentine season.  this may have been what led to my demise yesterday (as i was sure i must be going into labor only to find that it was more likely extreme indigestion).  beyond that, my appetite is waning again with so little room to fit anything else.

this journey has been very different in comparison to the first;
no broken bones
a home of our own
responsibilities
stress
anxiety

but it has been it's own
and for that i am thankful.
i've been able to take the time to decorate a room
and work on a baby blanket
and enjoy the little gifts we've received from friends
and look forward to the evening show
when i know she will wake and perform internal sommersaults
and respond to her daddy's voice.

i've also gotten to enjoy
the anticipation that comes with being pregnant
but without the fear
since i feel i have a better understanding of what is to come
in the coming weeks.

so
sweet sprout
we are ready.
your bed is made
your clothes are washed
your blanket is nearly finished
with as much love and prayer
as i put into your big sister's stitches.

won't you come out and play?

33 weeks and coming to terms.

i had this epiphany the other day
one that kind of rushed in
and knocked me on my ass
following which i quickly got up
and started making a hundred different lists.

i'm pregnant.

and not only am i pregnant
but little bit is going to be here
quite possibly
in the next 6-8 weeks.

and not only did that get me thinking
about all of the things still left undone
like a lack of clothes in drawers
and misplaced baby furniture
and missing bottles and car seats

but it also turned my mind on to the idea
that we are not to be a trio for very much longer.
soon
very soon
we will be four.

and it has me thinking about all of the opportunities
i need to grab a hold of now
while we are still just three...

but more to come on that.

current gestation: 33 weeks and about a day.
weight gain to date: as of this morning, 32 pounds.  i have rediscovered some form of pre-pregnancy energy and have rekindled my romance with my treadmill.  i'm averaging anywhere between a mile and a half to two miles at a time.  bug has taken up the task of walking/running with me which drives me even more.  i also think that the appearance of snow and necessity to shovel has assisted my workout regimen.  my 'success' story came the other day when a student asked me, 'you know how some women get fat when they get pregnant?'...(pause.) me: 'yes...'  student: 'how come you didn't?'  bless you child.
complaints: i'm not going to lie...there are a few.  my abdomen muscles have completely been replaced by infant toosh which means rolling over in bed and getting up off the couch are feats in themselves.  i am missing my pre-pregnant body; my pre-pregnant clothes; my pre-pregnant yoga; my pre-pregnant coffee; my pre-pregnant energy levels.  i am truly at a point where i'm ready to be done.  and yes, i know it will all be worth it.  and yes, i will miss the internal flutters.  but i won't miss the enormity of it. as i said when i was pregnant with bug; i don't get pregnant because i love being pregnant.  i get pregnant because i love being 'mama'.  i'm ready for sprout to arrive so we can get to know her and her us.  i'm ready for sprout to arrive so i can return to rocking both her and my bug.  i'm ready for sprout to arrive so i can sleep on my back again.  i'm ready to meet our girl.  i'm ready to hold her and breathe her in.
non-complaints: the sudden burst of energy that came from nowhere has been welcome.  i have desperately missed my treadmill and am glad to have found it again.  i have also missed having the energy to come home and play outside with my bug, so having the boost to pack it up and head outside for an afternoon of snow fun has been great for the both of us.  oz has also benefitted from my new found energy and has enjoyed several lengthy walks and some much needed fresh air.  i only wish it were still light when my guy got home so we could all enjoy it together.  all in good time.
activities: as mentioned, much time on the treadmill.  dancing in the basement with bug while daddy plays the drums.  sidewalk chalk when the weather is warm.  shoveling and snow angels when temperatures dip back down.  walks on the trail with my active girl and enthusiastic mutt.  late night crocheting accompanied by reruns of 'big bang theory'.
cravings: diet root beer.  that and i'm back to being hungry all of the time.  perhaps we are on the verge of another growth spurt.  at least its good food; the new year brought with it better eating habits (and thus, better food on hand in our home) so that when i do eat, it's not the sugar cookies of christmas past.    i still manage to sneak a few M&Ms from my mother's desk drawer, though...

thanks to my guy for being an amazing photographer.

all photos courtesy of my guy.

31 weeks...apparently.

i had a doctor's appointment last week.
after listening to bean's heartbeat
the doctor
(not my normal doctor)
took a measurement of my abdomen
(something i hadn't had done)
and reported
'yep, you're right at 30 weeks.'

okay...
shit...
wait...
30?
as in 3-0?
not 28 or 29?

panic
officially set in.

and while a week (or two) may not seem like a big deal
it had
and has
me
completely rethinking everything about work
the nursery
the cleanliness of our home
baby clothes
diapers...

ah
the nesting
has officially begun.

so with that...

current gestation: 31 weeks.
weight gain to date: surprisingly, i'm right at 31 pounds.  surprising given the amount of food consumed at funerals pre-holiday and goodies consumed during the holidays.  we have since gone into holiday detox at our house which has included a lot of vegetables, fruit and lean protein.  and truthfully, we all feel better for it.  there is nothing like the pride i feel from hearing my sweet girl request bananas for a snack and carrots and hummus for lunch.  meatless meals are slowly reentering our world along with sugar free snacking.  even in my additional 31 pounds, i feel less sluggish.
complaints: i miss bending over (comfortably).  i miss giving my girl piggy back rides.  i miss yoga (back bends, in particular).  i have officially popped to the point of discomfort in what used to be normal, everyday actions.  i am also missing my energy and my drive.  i have very much wanted to run for the last couple of weeks, but the thought of it alone wears me out.  i'm ready to reclaim my body and meet my bean.
non-complaints: the daily jazzercise going on inside my abdomen.  i love love love feeling our girl rolling around and doing handstands on my pelvis.  it is, by far (and as i've mentioned before) my favorite part of being pregnant.  
activities: i'm making a lot of afghans these days...therefore my fingers are getting a great workout...
cravings: none.  just normal, regular food.  i find i am eating smaller meals more often, as baby girl is slowly taking over cavity within and beneath my rib cage, but the food itself has been healthy, something i think both bean and i have been missing over the last month.

another lame attempt at a self-portrait in the bathroom mirror at 30 weeks.  hoping for some fun maternity pictures soon...

go well.

santa baby...2011.

2008.

2009.

2010.

2011.

it goes so fast...

but it is more fun with every passing year.

is heaven in that box?

there's more to this
more that i haven't had a chance
or the words
to sit down
and put in order.

and i will
because i want to
for me
for bug.

but for now
the words we chose
my sister and i
for my pappy
on the day we said 'good-bye'...

We have spent a great deal of time this week explaining to three year old Charlie Jo, one of Jim’s great-granddaughters, that Pappy is now in heaven.  Up until yesterday she seemed to grasp this pretty well, but upon seeing Pappy laid out in his casket, she got a bewildered look on her face and whispered to her mother, Amy, “Mommy…is heaven in that box?”  And in some ways, she was so very right because Pappy was a little piece of heaven in our lives, a blessing beyond words in the lives of his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren.

To try and condense the last 31 years of Pappy being a Pappy is an impossible task.  The memories and lessons he left us with are innumerable; memories of dancing in the kitchen without music, running through the paint store stealing dozens upon dozens of paint swatches, making runs to the local DQ for hot fudge sundaes, cheering on the Panthers as they dribbled down the court, creating headpieces out of meaningless newspaper articles, watching Pappy demonstrate his talent of riding a bicycle backwards down the street and topping it off with walks to the frog pond and evenings spent catching lightening bugs.  The lessons he taught us are even greater; lessons like how to hoe a garden, the proper way to paint a room, the best method to use when refinishing furniture, how to engage anyone in a conversation about anything (including the brick wall), tricks for completing your math homework without a calculator, how to operate a 3-shift Chevy panel truck (up a hill…without cursing) and which plastic cups make the best tools for tracing circles.  In recent years, we have had the unspeakable joy of watching as our daughters, Charlie Jo and Ella Mary, have created new memories with our old Pappy, from coloring at the kitchen table to snuggling on the couch.

More importantly, Pappy taught us how to hug with purpose, how to honor our country, how to treat those people that come into our lives and most of all, how to love our families, a legacy we will not only remember but will instill in our own children and grandchildren.

So yes, Charlie Jo, in so many ways heaven is in that box with your Pappy.  But it is also in your heart and in the hearts of those he loved for that is where he will always be along with the memories and lessons he left us with.  Pappy always ended a visit with, “Glad you got to see me!”  So are we, Pappy.  Thank you for all of it.  We are SO glad we got to see you.  

 go well.