eighteen week musings.

there must be something about chocolate chip cookies that wee one likes - if i weren't with child i would swear i'd just swallowed a gold fish.

at officially 18 weeks pregnant, i have come to a great many revelations and felt obligated to share them with the masses in the void. it should be noted at this time that i didn't much care for people before i was pregnant, and now with the added hormones and Christmas crowds, my distaste for the human race has only intensified.

(i am fully aware that such cynicism is probably not healthy for someone about to add to the world's overall population, however i feel these musings are critical in surviving a pregnancy...or at least in surviving mine.)

• never ask a woman when she is due - not even if you are certain she is dilated 8 centimeters and on her way to labor and delivery.
  
• never ask a pregnant woman if she is certain she is only "that far along" or whether or not it's twins. 9 times out of 10 it is the holiday m&m's that were on sale 2 for $4.00.
• don't ask pregnant women how they feel. they will tell you "fine," or "good" when really they just feel pregnant, tired, swollen, fat, unbalanced, petrified, frazzled or annoyed. or any combination thereof.
  
• do not kiss the belly unless you are related by blood or married to the pregnant woman. in fact, it is a usually safer to avoid the belly altogether. let's clear this up for the record - it is not good luck to touch the belly and rubbing it will not grant you three wishes. it may, however, place you on a shit list for the remainder of the pregnancy. if you must touch the belly, be sure you are well acquainted with the prospective mother and have asked permission.
  
• never never never tell a pregnant woman that she is, "looking awfully pregnant" on any given day. the smile you get in response roughly translates to "fuck you."
• leave your personal horror stories in your pocket. honestly, no one wants to hear about your labor experience/episiotomy/chapped nipples/hemorrhoids/c-section/lack of sleep/bladder issues, pregnant or not.
  
• do not announce someone else's pregnancy to the world unless you are prepared to endure the silent treatment until said child graduates from high school.
• and while the list could go on and on, this one is crucial: you should never use the phrase "just wait..." or anything resembling said phrase. this phrase should never be applied to a pregnancy or the impending parenthood which follows the pregnancy. this includes phrases ranging from the detailed ("you think you're tired now, just wait until that baby's born and keeping you up all hours of the night.") to the broad ("just wait until the baby's born.")

following these guidelines will put you on a fast-track to being my favorite person in the coming months. failing to adhere to the rules will likely put you on the fast-track to being someone i no longer speak to.

and in unrelated news...

they are calling for up to five inches of snow tonight. if you are still looking for a good deed for the day, send up happy thoughts about fluffy snowflakes that will get me out of having to come into work tomorrow. remember - maternity leave falls in may this year which means snow days are not an issue!

i leave you with this:

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw

go well.