me.

My photo
mommy. wife. teacher. yogini. writer. coffee drinker. aunt. crocheter. reader. dog lover. scattered. methodical. rational. irrational. paranoid. annoyed. lost. found. content. searching. peaceful. i am constantly in search of my story. the one i have never happened. the one i've lived i cannot write.

08 December 2008

called out OR no more dead horses OR journal topic for the day.

i've been called out.
by more than one.
i haven't written.

so the time has come.
to buckle down
(in more than one area)
and resume.

i honestly don't know what to write.
it's strange -
i have had more happen to me in the last nine months
than i did in the lifetime that preceded them
but i feel like the ink well has run dry.

i have kicked the dead horse with my bum leg.
i have raved about charlie so much that a new venue was necessary.
i have gushed over the new house.

so.

in an effort to write more and think outside my box
i'm going back to my roots.
i watched this morning as 20-some eighth graders put pencil to lined paper and reflected on a journal topic on the overhead that sat squarely in front of the room and realized -

'this is where writers are born.
this is were passion is fostered.'

so here's the journal topic for today.

"if you could eavesdrop on your 'friends', what would the say about you? who would defend you? who would criticize?"

thanks to jd for pointing this one out.
a good topic.
hard to process.
i've said it many times before -
i'm extremely anti-social.
i can handle a handful of people at a time, but become overwhelmed with more than three close souls in my life. more than that and i tend to get sucked into each individual world completely losing touch with the one i actually live in.
so i'd like to think that if i were to eavesdrop on my 'friends', they would only be those people that know me, stick up for me, love me and are there until just beyond the very end of the dusty road that is this life.

let's define 'friend'.
again with mr. webster...

1. one that is attached to another by affection or esteem

or better yet, from my beloved thesaurus...

1. a person who has a strong like for and trust in another

maybe that's my problem. that word 'trust' gets thrown in there and i lock up.
i have had too many experiences where trust was tossed aside, betrayed or neglected, that making 'friends' is hard for me.
i tend to come off as kind of a bitch as a result.

so those 'friends' the journal topic speaks of...

my husband: i would like to think that if i eavesdropped on bill talking about me it would be honest - both good and bad. i can't imagine him talking about me in a fashion any different than what he speaks true to me. would he defend me? i think so. he knows me best. would he critique me? absolutely - he's my biggest critic and (i hope) my biggest fan. he criticizes me in everything i do, but i know he does it to push me harder. i love proving him wrong, and he's fully aware of it.
my sister: she's my go-to girl. we are attached by affection to be certain, but an affection that runs far deeper than just mutual interests and a love of coffee - in fact, our affection can't even be tied to such things. she is my polar opposite (much like my husband) but the one girl i would run to first for a hug or a swift kick in the ass. i can see her defending me (we have always stood in each others' corners, since we were kids) and i can see her critiquing me (we live very different lives). i would like to think that if i were a fly on her wall, nothing she would say about me would squash me.
my girls: i hope you know who you are. most of you i barely see or talk to, despite living within 30 minutes of one another, some of you further than that. we've been through the shit of life together, from high school drama and sticky summer nights to weddings and babies and while we've flown the coop from time to time, we always return to find the nest feathered and ready for reentry. i have no doubt that there are critiques - we haven't always been there when we needed to be - but i know there are defenses too. besides, if we don't stick up for each other, who will? i love each and every one of you that has stayed in my life when all the others fell away...even if it took us the roundabout way to get back at each other.

there are others...more critics than defenders, i'm sure. there are those dailies...the ones that smile at me every morning when i stroll down the hall. there are those that are thoughtful. those that are selfish. those that i've known years and never talk to. those that i've known for days and talk to all the time. there are those who have bowed out. there are those that have never left. there are those who can't stand me. there are those who love me.
for each smile
for each soul
for each spirit that has somehow touched mine
i am grateful.

i'm not sure how accurate my response was, but the topic did it's job: it got me to write.

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." - George Washington

go well.

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