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mommy. wife. teacher. yogini. writer. coffee drinker. aunt. crocheter. reader. dog lover. scattered. methodical. rational. irrational. paranoid. annoyed. lost. found. content. searching. peaceful. i am constantly in search of my story. the one i have never happened. the one i've lived i cannot write.

01 February 2010

bad all over.

there are some things
i just don't discuss
with many people
if anyone at all
(outside of my own home).

i don't care to divulge too much
except that right now
is one of the times
on the road of life
where there are some big-ass potholes.

after a very long
and much needed conversation
i was feeling extremely drained
and a bit void of hope.
i knew (and know)
that there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel
but i was just having trouble finding it.

i set to work doing the laundry
and tidying the house
(i get this from my mother
who cleans every time she gets upset
i think it has something to do
with keeping our hands and minds busy)
but i couldn't push away
all of the emotions that were pulling at my heart.

after a long day of wallowing in self pity
i found this.
my already fragile heart
crumbled into a million pieces
as i stared at the void eyes of a student
who i had made a connection with two years ago.
two years ago
that boy sat in my room
and cried for his mother
that couldn't keep him
cried for his father
who didn't understand him
and cried because i told him
i knew he was bright
and behind the tough exterior

and despite his actions
i still believe that
and i am very conflicted.
i know that he made a very adult decision
and therefore deserves very adult consequences.
i'm not arguing that.
i'm just so sad
and as a teacher i can't help but think
'i should have done more
listened more
practiced more patience
been kinder
reached further.'

such a waste of a young life.

and then
to be bombarded with these stories
makes me feel so small
that i would worry about my problems
when these people have nothing.
no home.
sparse food.
inadequate medical care.
missing children.
missing parents.
and i think,
'how dare i?'

a family friend losing his battle with cancer
another friend facing life without her partner
a sister whose plans got scattered on the ground

it's bad all over.


one of the things i gained after our accident
and through the recovery process
were the lessons i learned
about circumstances.

i still remember a co-worker coming to visit
and complaining about
having to run her children to and from activities
while at the same time having to drop off the car
for an oil change
'i'm just so busy. there's just not enough time in the day.'
and i remember thinking
as i sat immobile in my father's recliner
'i wish those were the only things i had to worry about.'
shortly after that
cedar rapids flooded
and i watched the news and thought
'i'm so thankful that i only have my leg and girl to worry about.'

i have to redirect my perspective from time to time
and remember that no matter what i'm going through
is going through far worse than me
and while it may feel like the walls are caving in
they continue to stand strong
because of the people that surround me
and help hold them up.
i love and thank all of you
that continue to support my walls.

go well.

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