bad all over.

there are some things

i just don't discuss

with many people

if anyone at all

(outside of my own home).

i don't care to divulge too much

except that right now

is one of the times

on the road of life

where there are some big-ass potholes.

yesterday

after a very long

and much needed conversation

i was feeling extremely drained

and a bit void of hope.

i knew (and know)

that there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel

but i was just having trouble finding it.

i set to work doing the laundry

and tidying the house

(i get this from my mother

who cleans every time she gets upset

i think it has something to do

with keeping our hands and minds busy)

but i couldn't push away

all of the emotions that were pulling at my heart.

after a long day of wallowing in self pity

i found this.

my already fragile heart

crumbled into a million pieces

as i stared at the void eyes of a student

who i had made a connection with two years ago.

two years ago

that boy sat in my room

and cried for his mother

that couldn't keep him

cried for his father

who didn't understand him

and cried because i told him

i knew he was bright

witty

and behind the tough exterior

good.

and despite his actions

i still believe that

and i am very conflicted.

i know that he made a very adult decision

and therefore deserves very adult consequences.

i'm not arguing that.

i'm just so sad

and as a teacher i can't help but think

'i should have done more

listened more

practiced more patience

been kinder

reached further.'

such a waste of a young life.

and then

to be bombarded with these stories

makes me feel so small

that i would worry about my problems

when these people have nothing.

no home.

sparse food.

inadequate medical care.

missing children.

missing parents.

death.

and i think,

'how dare i?'

a family friend losing his battle with cancer

another friend facing life without her partner

a sister whose plans got scattered on the ground

it's bad all over.

***

one of the things i gained after our accident

and through the recovery process

were the lessons i learned

about circumstances.

i still remember a co-worker coming to visit

and complaining about

having to run her children to and from activities

while at the same time having to drop off the car

for an oil change

'i'm just so busy. there's just not enough time in the day.'

and i remember thinking

as i sat immobile in my father's recliner

'i wish those were the only things i had to worry about.'

shortly after that

cedar rapids flooded

and i watched the news and thought

'i'm so thankful that i only have my leg and girl to worry about.'

i have to redirect my perspective from time to time

and remember that no matter what i'm going through

someone

somewhere

is going through far worse than me

and while it may feel like the walls are caving in

they continue to stand strong

because of the people that surround me

and help hold them up.

i love and thank all of you

that continue to support my walls.

go well.