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mommy. wife. teacher. yogini. writer. coffee drinker. aunt. crocheter. reader. dog lover. scattered. methodical. rational. irrational. paranoid. annoyed. lost. found. content. searching. peaceful. i am constantly in search of my story. the one i have never happened. the one i've lived i cannot write.

09 October 2014


Today marks chapter 34 in this epic called life.
I considered walking through 34 life reflections.
I considered laying down 34 life lessons I have uncovered.
I considered attempting to assign titles to each of my 34 chapters.
Ultimately, I decided to mark this day
By revealing 34 truths
About me
Truths that are true today
The ninth day of October in the year of our Lord, two-thousand fourteen
That may not be the same truths tomorrow
So that some day
Another 34 years from now
I might creep back to the wires
Slither in between the pages
And remember what it was like
When there were only 34 chapters.

In no particular order...

1. At 34, I have come to terms with my mortality.
Two babies and one very gnarly broken leg has left me with fading cartilage in my knees
(I can get down, but getting back up is not nearly as graceful as it used to be);
not to mention the early stages of arthritis,
and now
the newly diagnosed anemia.
There are bags under my eyes that weren't there a year ago.
There are nearly as many silver strands as brunette.
I take supplements three times a day
(and IBProbfen nearly that much).

2. There is a part of me that still believes I can will myself healthy.
But the other part of me
the 'grown-up', 34-year old part of me
knows that it's going to take
extra veggies
lots of water
less coffee
more exercise
and fewer vices
to regain any of my 
mangled leg
low iron
creaky jointed 

3.  Despite my ailments
my whining
my creaking
my crackling
I love my yoga
and I fear a day
when my body no longer
folds with ease. 

4.  I drink way too much coffee. 

5. I love my girls.
I love the way their hair smells
fresh out of a bath.
I love the way they bolt in the door
and head straight for the backyard
instead of the television.
I love the way they fight
over who gets to sit on my lap before bedtime.
I love the way
they love
each other
my guy
our pups
and me.

6. Being a mother
is the most difficult thing
I have ever done.
Every day
is a work in progress
and a lesson.
Every day
I question my ability
to raise two women.
Every day
I question whether or not
I have given it my all.
Every day
I grapple with the guilt
and wondering
if I did not.

7. I still
And on my darkest days
my loneliest days
my angriest days
my happiest days
he always knows
exactly what to say
coming through the driver's side speakers
full bore.

8. I swear.
A fucking lot.

9. I love my job.
This may not always come through
and the circumstances surrounding how it came to be
were not optimal.
But I secretly
(although not so secretly now)
thrive on putting out fires
advocating for kids unseen
digging through paperwork
and unraveling the mystery
that is each child.

10. My yarn
is my art.
I love taking string
and turning it into something beautiful
and purposeful
and long lasting.

11. I hate folding laundry.
I especially hate matching and folding socks.
Matching socks are not important
in the great scheme of life.

12. I hate cooking.
The dishes.
The mess.
The time.
The preparation.
I love food.
It's a conundrum.

13. My favorite foods
are still the ones
my mom makes.
bran muffins
chocolate cake
macaroni salad
even cinnamon toast.
It all tastes better
when it comes out
of Mom's oven.

14. I love driving my guy's Jeep
sans softtop
sans doors.
I love the way the breeze whips through the chassis.
I love Michael Franti pouring over me through the top speakers.
And despite the lack
of all the external protection
I feel untouchable
as I cruise down the road at 70 mph
with nothing but pavement
and scenery
to worry about.

15. I am quickly developing a love
for non-fiction books.
Currently, I have three books on my list;
one of them is all about data.

16. That said,
I am currently reading a book
intended for
fourteen-year old girls.

17. I have diagnosed myself
as having acute, spectrumy disorders.
I hate crowds
talking on the phone
meeting new people
and changes in my routine.
I also have an inability to focus on a task
for more than 30 minutes at any given time.
This would explain why,
at number 17,
I'm already thinking about my unfinished scarf
unfinished book
sink full of dirty dishes
and my pillow.

18.  I'm a grudge holder.
You've been warned.

19. I am affected by the seasons;
it's October
and I love all things pumpkin
pumpkin bagels
pumpkin yogurt
pumpkin lattes
pumpkin colored hats
Smashing Pumpkins.
But come December 1st
it will all lose it's luster
it's flavor
it's allure
and I'll be the biggest candy cane freak
you've ever encountered.

20.  I drink my fountain sodas with two straws.

21. I love my guy
his honesty
his work ethic
his drive
his commitment
his humor
his curiosity
his tenaciousness.
I especially love watching him
being a dad to our girls
and seeing our girls love him
makes me love him even more.

22. My house doesn't feel like a home
unless there's a mess
a candle burning softly
ukulele music floating gently on the air
pups spread across the floor
and the sound of giggles coming from the back room.

23. When there's 'nothing on TV'
my go-to's are reruns of Dr. Who
and Curious George.

24. I love holiday children's specials
quite possibly more
than my own children do.

25. There are thousands of places
I have never seen
places of magic
But given the choice
I'd take Maui every time.

26. Given money
I will consider all the things I need
or want;
new clothes
new shoes
new bags.
every time
I will spend it on yarn
regardless of whether or not
I have a purpose in mind.
Books run a close second
along with trinkets for my girls
and coffee.

27. I have a weakness
for new school supplies.
plastic covers
new binders
fine-tipped pens
Fortunately for me
this year
the Post-it colors
matched up nicely
with the highlighter selection
at the local big box store.

28. I don't watch the news.
I am dependent upon my guy
who streams CNN all day at his shop
for worldly intel.
At times
this 'unknowing' of what is happening
in the world around me
makes me feel silly
But then
after hearing about the most recent
death of a child
I decide maybe
my ignorance
is bliss.

29. I love my tattoos
and like me
I believe they are a work in progress.

30.  I struggle to give things up;
bad habits
because they are
for better or worse
ingrained into my daily order
and to give them up would mean change
and change is hard.

31. Destinations are great
but I relish the journey
both figuratively and literally.
I secretly look forward to long car rides
and airport layovers,
detours and reroutes
because it is in the course of these extended journeys
that we are afforded time.

32. I secretly love that my Mimi
still crawls into my bed every night
or that my Bug will tiptoe in
and request that I snuggle with her
until she falls asleep again.
I will grieve the day
the night
that both of my girls find slumber
without curling up under my arm
and wrapping my hair around their fingers.

33. I really thought
I'd have it all figured out by the time
I hit 30.
At 34
I'm finding
I'm still just beginning
to unravel
this thing called life.

34. My mantra.
It'll be fine.

and it will.

wonder what truths i will uncover
as i make my way to 35
and beyond...

go well.

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