i just hope he knows.

sometimes i look back and smile at my words and try to remember where they came from.
i have half full notebooks littering drawers and bags all over the house.
i even carry one in my knapsack.
i like to go back and look at them because i feel like i can gauge my growth as an individual.
and remember who i am.
i wrote this several years ago and happened across it again today.
it was written under completely different circumstances, but given all we have been through, seemed applicable once again.

looking across the room now at bill with charlie lying on his chest, i continue to be proud of us as a pair; how far we've come, how much we have overcome, how much is left to come.

i just hope he knows.

right now you're lying in bed
and i'm woozy with love and alcohol
you told me not to settle
told me you didn't want that
and now i need you to know
i am not.

i have made an innumerable amount
of choices in my lifetime
i do my best to live
without regret.
so far i have done a pretty damn good job.

i am happy
and whatever boredom may come
is not derived by you
or this place
it is born of my own wandering soul

am i really all that different
here or there?
this is my mirror, but
the reflection is skewed for you.
i care not to offend and only
want you to see me here
see me there.

i want you to see me
in every corner
dark and lit and long and short
i want you to see and say
"i know you."

i look at you and know
i'm home
the roads are long and at times
seem untravelable but
with you as a guide, home is always
here. there.

look in the mirror and know that
the image you see is still me
unchanged by the light or the dark
or the shadows that creep in
the whole
for better, for worse

and the reflection loves you
just as i do.
and i am home.
i have not settled.
i am settled.

- 16 december 2005 -

go well.