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mommy. wife. teacher. yogini. writer. coffee drinker. aunt. crocheter. reader. dog lover. scattered. methodical. rational. irrational. paranoid. annoyed. lost. found. content. searching. peaceful. i am constantly in search of my story. the one i have never happened. the one i've lived i cannot write.

01 July 2008


i recently read a blog that referenced potholes and speedbumps.
it drew the comparison between potholes and speedbumps to those things in our lives that slow us down or keep us from traveling a smooth road.
i commented on the blog, stating that when faced with potholes we have a choice;
continue to travel that road and inevitably have to service your vehicle
choose a different road.

however, these missives put into my mind another word that i wanted to give some additional thought to.


good ol' mr. webster says...

1. an adjustment to a line; arrangement in a straight line.

i was always more of a thesaurus girl myself. these were the words that stuck out to me as i consider this word...




so let's examine alignment one word at a time.

this is something i feel i am constantly trying to attain. i am capable of focus...i can focus on a good book, painting a room, completing an assignment, listening to bill, watching charlie breathe. there are areas of my life, however, where i need focus more than others.
my job.
my peers.
what lies ahead.
myself. (that's the hardest one of all...i am never sure where to start.)
in the pursuit of peace (remember that? it was something i tried to achieve early in my pregnancy? reference earlier blogs...) i have discovered it is necessary for me to take a time out every day. this is a cliche of myself, but it is necessary. meditation is a wonderful exercise...right now, i have to get past the guilt i feel for taking the time to do it. focus during these meditative moments is difficult when your mind is rolling away from you and the brake lines have been cut.

it's all about perspective really.
i watch charlie when i lay her down. i watch her watch the world around her. and yet she is never as happy as she is when someone picks her up and allows her to look over their shoulder at the world outside. needless to say, being on my own this week, i have not been able to afford her a good stroll around the house to view the world outside. i made due with the stroller, pushing her from room to room and window to window so that she could view the trees and sky and hummingbirds, but the glimmer in her eye was absent. she sees the world completely differently when someone (like daddy) can show her the world from a completely different view.
this is true of us, as grownups.
true of me.
true of you, i'm sure.
we view the world from where we stand (or sit).
we don't always take the time to view the world from another perspective and thus find ourselves bored, losing the glimmer, unable to see the sunshine.
sometimes, when we take the time to view the world from a different perspective we find that what we thought was sunshine was actually the glare of headlights headed straight for us.

i'm a fixer.
at least i always have been.
i want to fix people, fix their problems.
i am one of those people (and i'm working hard on not being one) that would look at a situation - a relationship, an incidence, an encounter - and think, 'i could do that better,' or 'i should step in here'.
in my experience, however, 'stepping in' usually results in 'stepping in a big heaping, smelly pile of shit.' i always wound up with more to fix than i had originally started with.
what i failed to do was try to fix myself.
i work on that a day at a time now.
rather than try to fix everyone else, i have to turn inward and figure out what i need fixed, and what it is that is keeping me from fixing it.

i like this one.
in order to be aligned with yourself, with the people around you and with God (or whatever entity you may believe in) you must be true.
true is at the root of truth.
often at the end of the day, when i find myself feeling frustrated over word that were (or were not) exchanged, i have to ask myself:
was i true to me?
or was it pure impulse?
was my reaction to that person/situation/event indicative of who i am?
if the answer is 'no', i have to back up to the previous synonym and try again.

i'm not sure i'm there.
not sure i ever will be.
i believe i'll always have a few lose screws, a few missing bolts.
but i have the tools i need to help myself stay in a straight line.
(although bill would argue that i never walk in a straight line...
but that's a blog for another time...)

"True freedom is where an individual's thoughts and actions are in alignment with that which is true, correct, and of honor - no matter the personal price." - Bryant H. McGill

go well.

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