one year ago.

one year ago.
almost to the minute.
i didn't cry a year ago
sitting in that truck.

i did a little today.
tears of thanks.
tears of joy.
tears of the enormity of it all.

a lifetime ago.
a minute ago.
it will never be far from me.

'what will you do?' jess asked me last week.

me: i'll drop charlie off. go in my room and cry a little. then go get a starbucks...to replace the one that was lost in the accident. it only seems right.

and that's just where i'll be...in case you need me.

my words will never be enough to express the gratitude i have for each and every one of you who has stood behind me in the last year.

'don't wait for me' by ryan bingham.

to my co-workers and friends - a million times a million thanks for the support you have given, the meals you have served, the laughs you have shared, the cards you have sent. i kept every single one of them and look at them often to remind myself how lucky i am that people cared enough about me despite my anti-social nature. i hope i have made up for that in the last year.

to my family (nanny, pappy, grandma, grandpa, uncie, luke, logan, uncle bob, aunt linda, uncle steve, aunt cindee, leslie) - i love you i love you. this last year has helped me to better appreciate the family God has blessed me with, blessed us with. thank you for the love you have given us be it here or from afar.

to jerry, theresa, carmen, dayton and dalton - thank you for the time you have spent with us and the love you have shown. for helping us make our house a home. but most of all for loving bill and helping him to be the man he is today. thank you for sharing such an amazing person with me.

to troy - thank you for the time you invested on hospital couches and chairs so that katie could be with me. for being the best 'uncle bob' there ever was.

to katie jo - you are my bestest friend. you are an amazing woman who will soon be an amazing nurse and one day an amazing mother. your company your time your smutty magazines and trashy music. i would not have survived without any of it. i love you more than you will ever know and am so very very very proud you are my sister. you are ten times stronger than i could ever be...you just don't know it.

to my parents - thank you will never be enough. i now understand how and why a parent loves their child. thank you for taking us in and caring for us all. thank you for the cinnamon toast and morning coffee. thank you for the peonies. thank you for getting up in the middle of the night to take me to the bathroom. thank you for helping me shower every day. thank you for loving your granddaughter the way that you do. thank you for all the miles you have put on the suburban. thank you for loving me as much as you do and reminding me that no matter what, you can go home again. thank you for allowing me to always be your little girl. i pray that i can be half the parent you have both been to me. i love you to the moon.

to my husband, my best friend, my partner, my bill - i have no words. i don't know many men that would do or could do what you have done in the last year. you are the voice in my head that tells me to keep going, go faster, go longer, be strong. you are the hand i reach for. you are the embrace i seek. you are the rock i lean on. you are my heart. you are the most incredible father. i am lost without you. i love you more than i can say. you're fun. i like you. thank you for sticking it out with me and for loving me past the scars. thank you for keeping a smile on my face. thank you for chess. thank you for seinfeld. thank you for our home. thank you for the most beautiful little girl i have ever known. i know it was a rough road, but i am glad i had you to share it with. looking back, i wouldn't change a minute of it. i love you i love you i love you...forever and always.

to my charlie girl - someday, sweet girl, you will know the tale. you are strong. you don't know it yet, but i think you may be the strongest little girl i know. you overcame a great deal before debuting in our lives. i look at you and i know why i am here. there is no word for the kind of love i feel when i see you, look at you, watch you. you are my sunshine. you are my everything. thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. i promise you i will love you until forever.

go well.