bad friend.

i am a bad friend.

this is something
i have given a lot of thought to
in the last year
and have pondered over
balls of yarn
and large iced coffees
and diaper exchanges
with some of my other
bad friends.

i used to be a good friend.
there was a time
when i made daily phone calls
and bought thoughtful gifts
and cooked meals
when babies were born
and grandparents died
and worried about all of the problems
of all of the people
in my life
to the point of obsession at times
and i don't remember if that made me happy
because i was too busy being a good friend.

when i got pregnant
i slowly began to morph
into the bad friend.
i blame some of that
on the lethargy that comes
in the first (and last) trimester
of pregnancy.
i slept constantly
and struggled to make toast
let alone phone calls
or meals.

and the thing i discovered?

i didn't miss it.
not one bit.
i worried about me
and my husband
and the growing soul inside me.

after the accident
i was amazed at the outpouring
of kindness we received
the thoughts
the prayers
the meals
the visits
the quirky gifts
that helped me pass time
and neglect pain.

and they weren't from
the good friends
that had littered my past
they were from co-workers
church patrons
and those women
i fondly refer to as
my bad friends.

and i am content with my bad friendships.
these are the women
whom i don't speak to on a daily basis;
in fact
we sometimes go weeks
months
without any communication.

many of these women
have been my bad friends
for a decade
or more
and i am so thankful for them
and for their acceptance of me
as a bad friend.

so to my bad friends
(and you know who you are)

thank you for the thought provoking moments
over balls of yarn
and for letting me make mistakes
and learn from them
and for helping me be
creative
and seeing things
from a new perspective.

thank you for the iced coffees and frappes
and quiet conversations
that only we know
for letting me be me
and sharing you in the process
and always being my go-to girl
and kindred spirt.

thank you for sharing
the chaos of toddlerhood with me
and finding me after all these years
to watch our babies grow
as we did
and share our frustrations
and successes
and yearnings for early bedtimes.

thank you for always being
my favorite bad friend
and only sister
and being so very different
from me
so that i can understand life
a little bit more
and for giving me a niece
that will be a sister
and bad friend
to my best good girl.

thanks to each of you
for allowing me
to just be me
for never expecting anything
for never demanding anything
and for loving me
for the bad friend i am.

go well.