missing.

these last eight
almost nine
months
have been a whirlwind.

a whirlwind of diapers
runny noses
spilt milk
stubbed toes
giggles
piles of laundry
dirty dishes
unfinished projects
neglected blogs
dirty fingernails
skeins upon skeins of yarn
piles of paperwork
one dusty treadmill
and lots
i do mean lots
of coffee.

it is a surreal thing
to both lose yourself
and find yourself
within the holds of motherhood.

recently, i looked back
at some pictures
and old blogs
and wondered where that young woman
had gone.

i don't remember her leaving
although i think she may have slipped out
during some sleep-deprived delirium
and was replaced
with this woman i now see in the mirror;
a woman
who it seems
is softer
sleepier
frownier
crankier
and overall
not a very pleasant person to be around.

i don't like this woman who stares back at me in the mornings.
i am fairly certain those around me aren't real taken with her either.

somewhere in the throws of these last nine months
i lost myself.
and it is the fault of no one;
not my guy
or my beautiful girls
my colleagues
or my friends.
the fault lies somewhere within my desire to balance
and in so [constantly] seeking balance
i've lost my balance.

and so
with that.
it is time for a deep breath.
time to wipe the slate.
time to root down.
time to wipe the fog from the mirror.
time to rediscover the woman within
who i have put at the bottom
of the piles of laundry
and diapers
and paperwork.
time to rise up.
time to smile.
time to begin again...