i have a feeling i will be posting on here far more frequently with little else to do these days.
i knew that this blog would evolve itself as i moved along in my pregnancy, but i didn't realize that it would encompass so many different kinds of life experiences - moving, healing, growing life, peace seeking. i had hoped to use this site to serve as a place for updates, but my hope now is that perhaps other people will stumble across it and find a empathetic voice.
that being said.
i'll begin with baby updates, move to leg updates and wrap up with...whatever is left after that!
current gestation: 35 weeks, 3 days.
weight gain to date: i'm not sure at this point. i completely lost my appetite while in the hospital, so it wouldn't surprise me if i lost a couple of pounds (my father-in-law found it hilarious that all i could stomach for a week was grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. i really threw him for a loop the last day when i ordered chicken fingers!) i'm sure i'm growing though - bill says i have gotten bigger (i haven't seen a mirror in nearly two weeks!)
complaints: as 'wee one' grows and i remain stationary, she is finding new places to rest her head. her new favorite place to settle is somewhere in my lower left back region. it would seem there is a nerve that runs down that side of my back that gives one the urge to vomit...or need to rush to the bathroom (and rushing is very much out of the question at this point). needless to say, it has made for some very uncomfortable days and nights. sitting upright in the wheelchair helps.
non-complaints: we have discovered that baby girl likes to be bounced. this was a new discovery as of last night. i am unable to toss and turn or lay on my side, which makes shifting her a near impossibility. and so, visualize if you will, me lying in bed last night, incredibly uncomfortable with baby girl lying on the above mentioned nerve. in a fit of desperation, i grabbed my stomach and began bouncing 'her', just as one would an infant. instantly, she was at peace and i had the best night of sleep i have had in the last two weeks.
activities: walking to the bathroom (64 feet round trip!), transitioning from the recliner to the wheelchair and the occasional leg lifts with my left leg (in an effort to keep up my strength in that leg.)
cravings: my appetite is just now coming back, so i haven't really "craved" anything. we've had some wonderful meals donated to us, and i have very much enjoyed the variety of desserts (shocking, i know!)
baby-related news: only 4 and 1/2 more weeks (give or take)...i'm praying we go to term. my surgeon seemed to think that if i DO go to term, i'll be able to give birth naturally. however, if she were to come in the next week or two, i would have to do a c-section. i'll know more once i see my own OB next week.
non-baby related news: where do we start...?!?
it is amazing how quickly one's day fills up when confined to a recliner. i was up at 6:30 this morning, and by noon i had gone to the bathroom twice and changed the dressing(s) on my leg (which takes nearly an hour between my mom and myself).
it's hard for me to know if things are healing.
i think it still looks like a dead fish and feels like i am carrying 20 extra pounds of dead weight below the knee. i cannot get in or out of bed, the recliner or the toilet without someone there to help levitate my leg. i am still incapable of lifting the leg without help, but am able to bend my knee ever so slightly (if you squint, you can see it), and my ankle and toes have regained some of their mobility as well. hopefully on friday, the doctor will be able to give us a time frame as to when i might be able to function more independently. my mother and father-in-law went ahead and purchased us our baby monitors so that i can let bill know in the middle of the night when i have to go to the bathroom. i hate that i have to disrupt everyone else's sleep patterns due to my shrinking bladder.
where they took skin from my upper thigh is what is currently giving me the most trouble. it is healing, but slowly. it feels like a wicked sunburn (which i have accidentally snapped with the elastic from my underwear a time or two...YEOUCH!!) and still "leaks". it's in such an awkward place - i can't lean over the way i would like or turn certain ways because of the tension it creates between my old and new skin (sorry...ick, i know). i'm anxious for that to heal...it will make everything else a little easier.
i am finding that my biggest frustration stems from two major body changes going on at once - baby girl and gimpy leg. i did not anticipate it requiring so much energy to focus on both at the same time. before the accident, i was able to monitor my pregnancy very carefully and listen to what my body was telling me - watch what i ate, how active i was, what baby girl was telling me with her movements, etc. now, not only do i have to continue to monitor my body for her sake, but i have to monitor it for my sake. the pains in my leg, the nerves flicking on and off, the bleeding, the healing, the itching, the aching. most days it's hard to differentiate whether the pain stems from pregnancy or my leg. while i definitely am not quite ready for her to come and need the time, there are nights (like last night) where i think if could just focus on one or the other and not have accommodate both discomforts...
so where does that leave me?
well, i'm still doing a lot of praying. most of it comes in the middle of the night between purcasets and waiting for someone to come take me to the bathroom. i continue to be grateful, knowing that so much worse could have happened (at one point there was talk in the trauma room of losing my leg all together). i pray for baby girl the most. i pray for those who have surrounded me these last two weeks. i pray for God to take the pain and grant me sleep. i pray that time will move quickly. i pray for strength. i pray my frustration will subside. i remind myself that God never gives us more than we can handle and wonder what i did to make Him think i was this strong. then i pray that i will continue to live up to His expectations.
needless to say, my quest for peace has taken me down some unexpected turns these last few months, but amazingly, the deeper i get in this tunnel, the easier it is to see light at the end.
"Every patient carries her or his own doctor inside." - Albert Schweitzer