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mommy. wife. teacher. yogini. writer. coffee drinker. aunt. crocheter. reader. dog lover. scattered. methodical. rational. irrational. paranoid. annoyed. lost. found. content. searching. peaceful. i am constantly in search of my story. the one i have never happened. the one i've lived i cannot write.

23 April 2008

taking down the bionic woman.

i've come to a conclusion.
hormones suck.
i have had no problems during this pregnancy regarding emotional outbursts...
no, strike that.
i've allotted one outburst per trimester.
bill missed out on beers with the boys one night to come home and comfort me after being told in the second trimester that i had put on too much weight. he didn't even blink. he just came home, found me sobbing in the laundry room and proceeded to pack me up and take me to target in search of our baby crib. he drove my weepy butt around for hours until he made me laugh. i adore him.

so, here i sit.
the end of my third trimester
and for some reason the bottom is falling out
and it's hard to find your footing when you only have one foot to land on.

i suppose i'm due.

some of it has to do with the pain in my leg, i'm sure. i woke up with pain that i haven't had in a couple of weeks.

some of it has to do with the fact that bill has been in denver for the last 48 hours. i miss his hugs when he is gone. i miss the way he makes me smile. i miss curling up in his chest at the end of the day and listening to him talk to wee one. i miss having someone to watch seinfeld with at 10:00. he comes home today, but he's not home yet.

some of it has to do with the fact that the grass has finally turned green, the sun is shining, the temperature is on the rise and all i can do is sit in this chair. there will be no motorcycle rides this year. there will be no jogging with the stroller. there will be no hiking in palisades. i can't even get out to the deck without someone to push me.

some of it has to do with the realization that my pregnancy and all my expectations for how it would end have completely changed. there will be no walking the halls. there will be no possibility of sitting on a birthing ball and rocking myself and my baby back and forth. there will be pain and half of it will not even be related to the labor experience. someone will have to hold my leg and i will not be able to push my baby girl into this world with as much strength as i want.

i realize that this is all beginning to sound like a pity party and that is the last thing i want.
i continue to be thankful that i have a leg.
i continue to be thankful that baby girl is healthy and safe and moving.
i continue to be thankful that i am going to get to be a mom and bill is going to be a daddy.
i know that a few inches could have altered that possibility for both of us.
i blame the hormones.

as i mentioned in a previous post, everyone has given me an undue amount of credit for being "strong" through this experience. people tell me how amazed they are at my optimism.
i am no match for third trimester hormones.

now where are those peanut butter m&ms...

go well.

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