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mommy. wife. teacher. yogini. writer. coffee drinker. aunt. crocheter. reader. dog lover. scattered. methodical. rational. irrational. paranoid. annoyed. lost. found. content. searching. peaceful. i am constantly in search of my story. the one i have never happened. the one i've lived i cannot write.

25 January 2011

unseen scars.

when people talk about having severe anxiety
it is sometimes very difficult to fully comprehend
unless you have experienced it.

i have had many students who suffer from anxiety
family members who suffer from anxiety
and some of the closest people in my life
have battled anxiety at one time or another.

the thing about anxiety that i never fully comprehended 
was the mind's inability to stop.
with anxiety
the mind tends to wander into very dark areas
and no matter how much you scream
'stop!  enough!'
the mind goes there anyway.

in my life
i have always been able to stop my mind from wandering to dark corners
to shake my brain free of any approaching dread
and say to myself, 'enough; stop thinking that way.  it's just silly.'

last week 
was a different story.

as often as i say that i am fine
i carry the events of march 23, 2008 very close.
in these cold months
old man winter likes to wreak havoc on my leg
and remind me that i am not the same
as i once was.

and sometimes
when i'm alone
i go back to the moments that made up that day
i bury myself deep within it
i allow the hopelessness of it all to overcome me
i have a good cry
and then i turn back toward the light.

the events of that day left a scar
not only on my right leg
but on my perception as well.

anxiety grips my chest when the snow starts to fall.
anxiety plucks my nerves when i go around a bend.
anxiety tugs at my hair when the rear fender swerves to make a turn.
and last week
anxiety stacked up all of its ammunition and took aim for my heart.

my in-laws
charlie's grandma and grandpa
had requested her company in going to visit her aunt and uncle away at school.
i would welcome a day to myself
but this was different.

the factors began to add up in my mind:
bitter cold
light snow
unpredictable conditions
that road
that god-forsaken wall.

and so it was when we lost control of that truck
that i lost control of my mind.

i was convinced that 'that wall' had it out for me.
i was convinced that 'that wall' had it out for my girl.
i was convinced it would take the one thing that means more to me than anything else.
i was prepared to receive the same phone call my own mother had received.
i was prepared to jump in my car and head north.
i was prepared for the phone calls i would need to make.
and then my mind went darker
to places i can't even bear mention
to a life without my girl.

but i knew
if i let my fears debilitate me
and my girl
i was setting us all up for a world full of restrictions and hold backs
a way of life i would never wish to impose on my girl or my guy.

and so
she went
and i watched as she blew me kisses over her grandma's shoulder
and i watched as they drove down the road
and i leaned on the front door and cried.

and i spent the hours awaiting word
and i spent the hours playing with my yarn
and i spent the hours sleeping
just trying to pass the time.


that night
when she came running through the front door
i scooped her up and cherished the weight of her body
and relished in the giggles that came from her mouth
and thanked God quietly for bringing her back to me.


i do not know if my mind will ever recover
i know that my leg will never be the same again
and will forever carry a scar.
but scars sometimes fade
and i am hopeful that with time and exercises such as these
perhaps my mental scar will fade too.

"Courage is fear that has said it's prayers." ~Dorothy Bernard

go well.

1 comment:

Alesha said...

The scars from our past really can pop up and kick our ass without much notice. Dates, places, conditions... all reminders of those painful memories. Anxiety can fog out everything else in our world and leave us feeling powerless to stop it. All we can hope for is that time will continue to heal us. And, try to do and be better everyday.
--much love

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