tapas.

as an active yogini
one of the actions i've come to embrace
during my practices
is the act of setting an intention.

what does this mean to me...
it means finding something
someone
some aspect
to focus my energy on during my yoga practice.
in some ways
it's like physically praying.

last week during my yoga class
my instructor talked a lot about
tapas
and encouraged us to make that our intention for the duration of the practice
eventually leading to one of these...

in laymen's terms
tapas refers to that
fire in your belly
that passion that drives you
to go further
dig deeper
push harder.

my instructor reminded us of this through three rounds of sun salutations
three rounds of core work
and three rounds of inversions.

my tapas
must have been on hiatus that day
because all i could muster was this.

and there i was
facing a wall
(both literally and figuratively)
putting all my strength into planting myself on the floor
rooting my energy through the palms of my hands
and pulling my navel into my spine
but absent of my tapas.

i wasn't going anywhere.

with beads of sweat littering my forehead
and a defeated spirit
i watched as one after another
my fellow yogis and yoginis
floated into handstand
effortlessly.

my defeat was evident
as my instructor came over and gently coaxed me up the wall.

dammit.
where is my fucking passion?
where is my fucking tapas?

* * *

and so
with my tapas MIA
and my soul in knots over my perceived failure
my yoga mat went untouched this week.

i was pissed.

* * *

so today
(one full week later)
i woke up anticipating yoga class
and wondering what it would bring
(or not bring)
and i came across this via facebook
and baron baptiste:

"how amazing you've been in the past holds no power.  

what are you up to in your future?  

THAT holds energy!"

as i reflect on this
even now
i think back to our accident
and how that changed me
internally and externally

and how
at that time
everyone commented on how strong i was
how strong we were
and how that drove me to do the things the doctors said i may never do again

that challenge
became my tapas.
but...

"how amazing you've been in the past holds no power..."


with all of that behind me
behind us
i don't know how or from where to derive my energy
my drive
my tapas.

leaving me with the second part...

"...what are you up to in your future?"

i want to be up to this.

and so much more.
i can't find my tapas in a moment
especially after the last one has left such a void
but at least i know now
that it all begins with unrolling my mat
and finding the energy in what i want
whatever that may be.

go well.